Rough Draft #5 (Its almost to the good parttt in the story)? - Mustang Evolution

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Old 03-01-2010, 05:45 AM   #1
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Rough Draft #5 (Its almost to the good parttt in the story)?

I waited in the cold I should have brought a jacket; I could be such an idiot sometimes. Snow began to fall softly as the sky clouded over. Great, just great, I ducked under the overhang of the theater. I thought about buying a ticket so I could go inside but I didn’t have any money. Just then his recognizable old, beat up 57’ mustang pulled up. I loved that car, it was perfect, and although it was beat up it just made the car more perfect. I was day dreaming off into space thinking about his car when his voice shattered my thoughts.
“Get in the car.” He ordered.
“Listen I have my board I’ll just skate back, no biggie.”
“Dammit Haily get in the car!” He grabbed my arm so tight my arm started to go numb.
I was scared to get in. I had never seen Kyle this mad before it was like he wanted to kill me himself before the cold did. I could run off, he could chase me and probably catch me he was fast. I could throw him off swerve through some trees or try and shake him in a crowd but he would just plow through them to get to me. I had my hand frozen on the car door. I could skate off, or I could refuse. Would he hit me? There was a possibility but I didn’t know, all my thoughts were jumbled. I was cold and shivering, I was scared and I couldn’t think right. I felt faint and almost sick, I was about to collapse over. The car was keeping me steady but not for long, suddenly it all went black everything.
Chapter 7
I woke up in the car it felt as if we were going a hundred miles per hour. I looked out the window at the trees speeding by, and the slow that was still falling. I was warm now, I looked down to find myself in Kyle’s big coat, it was really warm. There was no music and as I looked over at Kyle. He just stared at the road so I turned back to the window.
“You do that again and I swear…” he said bringing his fist down on the dashboard.
“I'm sorry.” I was scared and shrunk into the door.
“Your sorry, geez Haily, do you even think anymore?!”
“No. No you don’t,” I opened my mouth to speak, “you try and get run over by a car, jump off a cliff, jump out a window, go snowboarding in the snow in your pjs, faint in the middle of the street… what else are you going to try? Jump in shark infested waters in California?!”
“None of that was life threatening.”
“But you could have gotten hurt Haily!”
“But I didn’t”
“How long have you known about moving?”
Now was my chance. I wanted to tell Kyle but I needed to get away. He was speeding so I was ready to get hurt badly, but I had his jacket. I carefully and slowly pulled up the lock on the door. I waited a second for him to notice.
“I flung open the door and jumped out. I rolled a little bit. I could feel all the bruises forming. How had I not broken a bone yet? I heard the car come to a screeching stop. I got to my feet as fast as I could. Wincing in pain I ran into the thick mass of evergreens beside the road.
“Jesus Christ Haily! Get back here!”
He yelled as I heard him charge after me. I swerved through the trees, jumping over rocks and branches in my way, I made left and right turns rapidly. I heard him snapping through the forest.
“Why are you running away?!”
I didn’t answer, not like I had the courage to anyways and just kept running. I didn’t know how long I could go like this, what if he caught up. What if an animal got me? I was thinking too much again and tripped and fell.
“Haily! What’s going on?”
“I-I don’t k-know. I-I just… UGH! I'm scared.”
“Of what? California?!”
“Yes, and you, and not being with you, and y-yes California.”
“Don’t worry about California, as for me,” he grinned, “Don’t worry about that either.”
Chapter 8
New School
I was so nervous about everything. My hair, my outfit, my makeup, my shoes! I was wearing a denim mini, with a white tank, amazingly cute green empire waist, almost Mayan style shirt. And of course matching green converse. I straightened my hair, and parted it to the side; I had let it grow out a little bit more and gotten softer layers. I had a smudged thin line of eyeliner, and pink lip gloss. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I was tan, not white, and I looked good. My hair had also naturally lightened and highlights came out. I believed I was ready, hopefully.
I walked up the front steps about an hour later and it looked like I was late. Great typical new kid move. I walked to my classroom took a deep breath and stepped in. Every eye in the room stared at me; there were some definite cute new guys. I and Kyle had left off on uneven terms. We were in a fight about something that I can’t even remember now and I wasn’t sure if we were official but we lived states away now. I could have some fun, and then I spotted the popular girls. Probably their ex’s or their “property”. Then I spotted the kids I used to hang with, before I moved, the skaters, the nerdy kids, the rather scary kids, and the jocks, people who I would never fit in with.

Kenrik is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2010, 06:24 AM   #2
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Rough Draft #5 (Its almost to the good parttt in the story)?

Okay, I'm going to stop being nice.

Your writing is stilted, you are clogging Y!A with your repeated postings of this, and you should really learn what life is like outside high school before you write about being in it. Your grammar is often off-kilter, and you are trying too hard to make this "intense". There are too many details on, for example, what your narrator is wearing. Learn what certain words mean in their exact sense. Stop using the newness to garner pity. That will make your character a target for accusations of being a Mary Sue and also make her annoying even if those don't come.

Please, there are plenty of places that will review your writing for you. Y!A is (as far as I read in the ToS and rules) not a place to beg everyone to proofread for you.

EDIT: Kind of hard to ignore it when I am trying to see if people have real questions to ask and "HEY LOOK PART 5!" and the four preceding messages are all I can see without going to the mainpage for Books and Authors.

If you can't handle criticism, don't post here. Simple as that.

lorren is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2010, 06:46 AM   #3
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Rough Draft #5 (Its almost to the good parttt in the story)?

Your story should be published by Vantage Press.
Zachaios is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2010, 07:43 AM   #4
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Rough Draft #5 (Its almost to the good parttt in the story)?

its good, but try and make the chapter names more imaginative.
milward is offline   Reply With Quote

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