I am writing and novel, will you tell me what you think? Don't water it down.? - Mustang Evolution

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Old 03-03-2010, 11:00 PM   #1
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I am writing and novel, will you tell me what you think? Don't water it down.?

you don't have to read all of it but please read at least the firts 3 paragraphs.This is the beggining of my first chapter...

As I woke up on that first day of sun in the bitter cold of Alaska, I sensed that today would be abnormal. I had a gift of being able to predict things correctly. One giveaway was it was light outside opposed to the six months of darkness I had recently experienced for the umpteenth time. That put me in a great mood, something that rarely happened.
Secondly, I looked around and my room was clean. That was disturbing. My room had been so messy you couldn’t see the floor when I went to sleep. Now, my desk was cleaned off, my floor was vacuumed (I’m a very deep sleeper), and I realized that all my laundry was done.
I went to the bathroom to take a shower. I looked at myself in the mirror, ugh, I wish I hadn’t. I had dark, dark shadows under my eyes, an indication of not sleeping for more than three hours a day. I was glad that it wasn’t going to be dark for six months, I could sleep more now on the weekends. I got into the shower and quickly washed my hair and body, which delayed me going downstairs to see what was going on for about five minutes. I brushed my teeth and hair then stalked off to my room. I got dressed in a tee-shirt and jeans as usual.
I heard breakfast being cooked, which was strange because my mom hadn’t cooked since that dreadful divorce. I was seriously starting to get worried. I decided to go downstairs to see what exactly was going on here; I regretted that when I remembered. Ugh! I forgot my own birthday! I’d been so distracted with the divorce and hunting I totally forgot about it. Great. Now I had to deal with calls from dad, gifts from mom and all the dangers of sweet 16’s.
“Katie! You ‘wake hon? I hope so; I have a surprise for you!” my mom yelled. “Jeez she’s loud!” I thought. I replied,
“Yes, mom I’m awake! You know I hate surprises! How could you? It better not be big and expensive!” I slowly went down the stairs,
“Please don’t be a car, please don’t be a car!” I thought. I jumped the last stair and walked to the kitchen.
I looked in the kitchen and gasped. There on the table was a pile of presents, a huge cake, and standing around my table was my mom; Fred, my mom’s fiancé; Caroline, the head cheerleader that I hated; and, as a slight relief, my best friend, Sam.
“What is she doing here?” I asked as I glared at Caroline.
“Well I know that you two were friends in middle school and I wasn’t sure who to invite because, well, Sam is your only friend…” my mom sped up as she said the last part.
“Awwwwwwwww…Katie’s only friend is Sam? I wonder why?” Caroline said.
“Well, uh… let’s open presents or something girls….” Fred looked like he was about to witness a murder. I opened my gifts and luckily they were all pretty cheap; a couple of shirts, some jeans, and a CD.
“Thanks mom, Fred.” I said then started to grab Sam’s hand and go upstairs when my mom exclaimed,
“Oh, no, hon, those were from Sam and Caroline, Fred’s and my gift is outside.”
“No, you didn’t…I told you not to!” I gasped.
“Hon, this is your sweet sixteen so yes, we did. Please go outside and look at it.”
I went outside and grimaced, there; bold and red, in the driveway was a brand new 2009 Mustang.
“Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom. Why?” I whispered, she didn’t hear me; she was listening for something else, I heard it too. I glanced at Sam, she was staring at Caroline…we had to get her away so we could talk. I thought for a minute than I looked at my mom, she nodded. I collapsed and my eyes rolled into the back of my head I hoped that this would be believable. Caroline screamed, she was such a baby. My mom understood, she told Caroline she had to get home. Once Caroline was out of earshot, I jumped up and looked at my mom, she looked confused and so did Sam.
“Why is there a werewolf here, I thought we cleaned the last of them out last night,” I wondered aloud.
“I don’t know, I hear its heart beat and, mmmmm, I’d recognize that smell anywhere,” Sam replied, “it must be in human form, do we attack or wait six more months?”
“Let’s wait and see if we are mistaken, besides, we only change if we see a werewolf in its wolf form,” My mom said.
“That is true, besides we only attack if it is doing harm to the town…and it really can’t unless it’s in wolf form.” Sam replied.
“Okay so we wait six months while it gets better in its training? Oh yeah that’s a great idea!” I said angrily. Why did they want to sit there and wait? That was stupid! Isn’t that why Sam was parentless, because her parents waited too long and the werewolf got to strong? Why am I the only one with a brain, here?
“Oh, I think you’re right, Katie,” Sam said in a quiet voice, she knows what I’m referring to, “What do we do, Ms. Heather?”
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Old 03-03-2010, 11:24 PM   #2
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I am writing and novel, will you tell me what you think? Don't water it down.?

Not bad, and I agree with Jujubee, the whole werewolf thing came on too quick. Maybe build some kind of suspense or mystery;work with that.
And I don't know whether it's just me or something, but it seems like you're trying too hard? Then again what do I know? Lol, I've tried my own at writing (surprisingly my friends liked it), but then again I'm only 13.
The only thing is the werewolf thing is odd, you should probably gradually work in that...instead of bluntly saying it.
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Old 03-03-2010, 11:43 PM   #3
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I am writing and novel, will you tell me what you think? Don't water it down.?

Couple of grammatical errors.
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Old 03-04-2010, 12:18 AM   #4
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I am writing and novel, will you tell me what you think? Don't water it down.?

Woah, woah. You lost me with the werewolf thing! It's all of the sudden talking about werewolves. Too fast. Also, just the whole thing is happening too fast. Take your time. You can introduce this slower, you're overwhelming me. You need to let the story move fluidly.
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Old 03-04-2010, 12:27 AM   #5
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I am writing and novel, will you tell me what you think? Don't water it down.?

I like it . And no your not going to fast the thing is that some other people don't get it as fast. But i see how it goes . i like it it's different
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Old 03-04-2010, 01:07 AM   #6
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I am writing and novel, will you tell me what you think? Don't water it down.?

why are there so many people trying to copy Twilight, well STOP trying because no one will ever beat Stephenie Meyer!
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