How does my story sound so far? - Mustang Evolution

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Old 03-14-2010, 09:00 AM   #1
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How does my story sound so far?

"Taryn, it's time to get up before your late for your first day of school!" My dad practically screamed in my ear, as he shook the whole bed. I didn't even move an inch. Then I felt him get off the matress and I went back to sleep. I heard him creep around to the other side of the bed where my head was turned. He opened up the blind and let the bright sun reflect off the newly cleaned windows. I groaned loudly, and pulled my tangled hair out from my face. I don't understand why he gets so excited, I am a Junior. It isn't like this is my freshman year. I have gone through this every year, the same way. Except this year my mom isn't here to watch me. I shook my head to get the thought of her out of my already- crowded mind, and pushed it all aside. I walked slowly into the hallway and opened up the pantry. I had to find all my stuff in the closet, which shouldn't be to hard since I do it everyday. I got out my favorite towel. It was my favorite because it was warm and fuzzy. It was also my favorite color, green. I got out the rest of my stuff; a hairbrush, comb, hair straightner, shampoo, conditioner, soap, and a razor. I dropped my blue silk pajama's from Victoria's Secret- which is my favorite store, but my dad doesnt know about- and took off my panties, and bra. It made me feel like I could breathe when I unstrapped the last clip on my bra. I turned the shower on the right temperature, and felt it with my big toe to see if it was right. I jumped in, and immediatly my tense shoulders relaxed. When I was done, I got my towel and wrapped it around. I got another towel and folded my hair in it. I walked into my room with my dirty clothes in hand, and tossed them lightly in my hamper. I got the blow dryer out of my closet and unwrapped my hair. The heat from the blowdryer felt good against my skin, and it soon became to hot. After I was done with that, I parted my hair and started straigtening the pieces. After I was done that, I brushed through the hair again and again to get out all the tangles. My hair is dark brown, and I have brown eyes. I am only about 5 "4 and if you ask me I am not pretty, nor ugly. I am average. There is nothing really interesting going on in my life, ever. I have never had a boy friend or anything like that. I have a best friend, her name is Kayla. She moved three months ago, so we wont be seeing eachother anymore. After I was done brushing my hair until it was tangle free, I slipped on black laced underwear and a bra. I wrapped my towel around me, and went down stairs, and into the basement. I got my basket of clothes, and took them upstairs so I could put them away when I came home from school. The first day of school, we always have a half day. I picked out my outfit. It was nothing really that great, I don't like being the center of attention. I slid on a pair of black skinny leg jeans that were super tight- it's what everyone was wearing- and then a close- fitted pink polo from Abercrombie & Fitch. I put on some make- up, just some eyeliner, mascara, and a little eyeshadow. I grabbed my cell phone, slipped on my black flats and headed to the door. On my way I picked up my book bag- which was heavy because I had every single thing I need for school inside of it- and car keys and headed for the door. I got into my all white Mustang Converitable, and put down the top. Here in California, it was always hot so I always had the top down. I rode the three blocks down to school, only to be greated by people staring at my car- mostly freshmans. We were supposed to be getting a lot of ne kids in our class, because St. Josephs closed down, and all the Catholic School kids were forced to switch to Public School. I parked into the spot I usually have all my life, that was called "Taryn's Spot." I think it is stupid, but whatever floats their boat. I put the top back up because it looked like it might rain, and went to the trunk where I kept my books. I slammed the lid down a little too hard, but I wanted everyone to get away. This would be my first year without my best friend, Kayla. Of course, the new people didn't back away and take in my mood, stupid new comers. I turned around and stared at each of them. "Go away will you? There is nothing left to see here. Just a car. Bye!" One by one, they all disapeared as I stood there staring at them. It probably wansn't a way to greet new people, but they were annoying, and I wasn't in the mood. I turned around and bent over to get my bag from off the ground. Thats when I heard two or three obnoxious new comers- they had to be because all the other boys from this school new better then to do that- shouting and making all this noises in a very perverted way. I continued to bend over and get my book bag, and they didn't stop until I rose up and turned around. There were four of them. One was shorter then me, probably a freshman. The one next to him was average height, with brown hair, and it was kind of long. The other one was my height, blonde hair,
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Old 03-14-2010, 09:36 AM   #2
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How does my story sound so far?

Before I say anything, I just want to warn you that I might come off as a little harsh in my critique and that I really don't mean any offense. I'm a tutor for creative writing so you can say I'm a little experienced.

Well, the whole process of the morning routine, like dressing and washing up, is completely unnecessary and can cause the reader to be bored quite quickly since no one really wants to know whether you have a "warm and fuzzy towel" or not, nor do they want to know what brand of underwear the character wears.

Also, I don't think you're allowed to put in well-known labels like Victoria Secrets otherwise it'll be false advertising. Well, I don't read a lot of "high-school" themed books, so I'm not too sure about that.

The way you go from one topic to another is rather disjointed as well. It's like, one moment you're brushing your hair and the next you're talking about your friend whom you won't be seeing anymore. Not really that tragic, unless the main character (of whom you only mentioned the name twice, the first time in the first word) only has that one friend.

Also, the story's a little messed up. I kind of doubt that a school body that suddenly had its population doubled would pay attention to only one girl just because she was in a bad mood. A bit far-fetched.

Overall in terms of story, I'd have to say it's a bit too much like a "girl's ideal life" theme which is basically: Girl has everything from nice house to nice car. Girl is pretty but modest about her looks. Girl meets a bump in her past (in this case her mum died and friend left) and tries to cope with it. Meets hot guy(s). Guy can either be a "Prince" or mysterious. Drama occurs. Ends up hooked up with (one of the) hot guy(s) in the process. Drama ends thanks to "girl power".

Sorry, it's just that I've seen these type of stories so many times it starts to get a little predictable.

Also, since you put so much detail in the last guy, I'll have to say, "hmm, so he's the heartthrob ... I see ...".

Really, I am sorry (ironically, the song I'm listening to is titled "Sorry Sorry"). I'm a little sleepy at the moment so I'll try to wrap it up.

Since I haven't seen the rest of your story I can't say to much, but a story needs a strong and unique orientation. Try using techniques like sentence structure (long or short, how the words should be arranged to create an effect) and the use of transitions (going from one scene to the next smoothly).

Hope I helped (somehow)!
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Old 03-14-2010, 10:26 AM   #3
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How does my story sound so far?

The way you transition is Lacked..And its hard to tell wether this is a children's story or adults.."Pante's and Bra's" Then you talk abotut he father coming out of the bed?...And the best friend thing..It sounds all too mixed up...I dont mean to be harsh but i dont liek to beat around the bush when people are serious about writing..For i myself write

Sorry about the spelling errors I have to answer more Q's
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