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Old 04-03-2010, 09:45 AM   #1
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Story i have written, is it good...?

this is the first chapter though i have continued, should i keep going with it???? (keep in mind, there are probably miss spelling's in here, but i am only 13, sorry.)



“Hello?” I asked into the telephone.
“Hi, Kacy, I was just calling about later tonight. Are you coming?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be there, but I gotta go Melissa, see you tonight.”
“Okay bye.” I hung up the phone as my mom walked in. She had just gotten home from work. She worked the day shift at our family’s ice cream parlor. “Hi, Kac, what are you up to?” she looked at me with anxious eyes. They were light sapphire, the kind of eyes that you couldn’t look extensively in or you would go into a daze. “I’m going to the movies with some friends later in Santa Cruz, is that okay?” she smiled and nodded.
Her blonde hair was blowing as she stepped in front of the fan. She slipped her shoes off and sank into the couch. I looked nothing like my mother; I had wavy auburn hair with light hazel eyes. She closed her as and sighed heavily. I took the opportunity to climb the stairs to my room. I slipped into a scruffy looking denim skirt and a white tank top. I reached for the radio as a slipped on some white rubber flip flops. “Looks like another stuffy day in Sunasis today,” boomed the radio, I sighed and grabbed my wallet.
I slowly marched down the stairs and stepped in front the fan. “Honey, what are you doing?” my mother’s voice asked confused but still able to giggle at me. “I’m hot, this is my solution.” She and I both laughed then I walked over to her in on the couch. “Mom, I’m gonna run, I’ll be back soon, call me, okay?”
“Yeah, okay, be back at least 12:30, unless you’re going to sleep over somewhere.” I kissed her on the forehead and dashed for the door. I climbed in my all expensive paid 1969 Mustang Convertible; it was yellow and had a black racing stripe. My mom said it was my dad’s before he moved away. It worked like a charm, I turned the key and the engine purred as I pulled out of the driveway.
First stop, Casper’s house. Casper and I had known each other since we were little kids. The thing that drew me towards him were his eyes, a grayish blue color, I loved them. His dirty blonde, curly hair covered his forehead. I honked my horn and the front door flung open. He hopped in the back; I knew he recovered a seat for my best friend in the world and his girlfriend, Melissa Anderson.
I pulled up to Christy’s house next and she plopped herself down next to Casper. Her black with red tinted hair and “Goth” look she pulled off very well definitely surprised me tonight. She had a skin tight pair of bright pink jeans, a black shirt with a skull on it and a cute jacket. Her black dyed hair was pulled up into a pony tail. She smiled, her favorite thing to do, when she sat down next Casper. We chatted for the next five minutes as we tried to reach the greatest person I have ever met, Johnathan.
I pulled into his driveway and stepped out from the driver’s side and climbed into the passenger’s side. The engine hummed as we waited for him. He smiled his breathtaking smile and sat down in the seat. His black hair shown through his darkly colored navy eyes, he looked at me and smiled more extensively. I could only smile and blush. He pulled out and went to our last stop Melissa and Creep.
We got Creep quickly, because Casper “couldn’t wait to see Melissa!” We all were getting annoyed by it so we made Creep jump in as quickly as possible. His bleach blonde hair was stuck up nicely and his brown eyes dulled under the sun rays. Finally Melissa’s house was in view and Casper finally shut up. She placed her delicate body next to Casper. Her blonde hair waved in the wind of the convertible. We were squeezed in tight, so Creep decided to hop on his motorcycle with Christy. So we turned around to his house and sped down the freeway.
“Kacy?” Johnathan asked.
“Yeah, Johnathan?” I grinned and blush as he said my name.
“I can’t wait for this movie.” He said soothingly, I closed my eyes as he reached for my hand. I held on to it tightly and his eyes stayed on the road.
“So what movie is this?” Melissa asked from the back. The sun was setting and we were an half an hour late.
“Umm I think Rebel.” I answered. She stared on into the window and so did Casper. I could see their hands locked together. I looked down to my feet then back up to Johnathan. His hair tenderly blew across his face, he looked like a model. His dark eyes shone in the sun’s rays.
He looked up to me and noticed me staring at his beauty. He smirked and pushed the gas pedal further down. When we finally arrived at the movie theater everyone was relieved. Creep and Christy pulled up about two minutes after we did. Little kids were staring at them like monsters. The cars radio was still on the station that Christy liked and rock/punk music blared out of the speakers.
It was like a grand entrance on their part. I laughed seeing them together, Creeps arm hung around Chr
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Old 04-03-2010, 09:48 AM   #2
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Story i have written, is it good...?

I liked it, I think that it sounds good, a little boring here and there but overall I enjoyed it. The whole cheating thing should make a big boom later Good luck with it!
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Old 04-03-2010, 10:30 AM   #3
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Story i have written, is it good...?

I didn't finish it because I got bored. Also, having to backtrack to mentally correct misspellings was annoying. There's no need not to spell correctly when you have spell check already on the computer! It's as if you're saying you don't care about the mechanics of the story, just the plot. Sorry, but they're all one and the same.

Do keep trying, however. The adage hard work pays off is true--especially in writing.
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Old 04-03-2010, 11:17 AM   #4
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Story i have written, is it good...?

it's good, e-mail me the end product, i'll send you my email address if you, want, i'm really interested it reading this story, your very descriptive

byeeeeeeeeeeeeee

xox
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Old 04-03-2010, 11:19 AM   #5
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Story i have written, is it good...?

That was pretty good. I am 12 and is writing like 6 books at once! Don't be like me!! Lol, jk. Anyway, if you're really passionate about writing then write. If you know you're going to finish this book then finish it. It reminds me of Twilight, have you read it? It rocks! "Keep writing, don't let anyone stop you."
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Old 04-03-2010, 12:03 PM   #6
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Story i have written, is it good...?

I didn't read all of it (I started to lose focus after she got into her van). But from what I have read I'll give a few pointers, and then let you finish your story. But do finish it, otherwise you'll get caught up in the habit of starting but never finishing stories (and it is a nightmare and a half to break).
First off, when Kacy answered the phone, who was she talking too. Never assume that the reader just knows, because we don't always.
Second her Mom seems a little uncaring. As in "just be back at such and such a time unless your sleeping over somewhere." A mother would have her kid call regularly to make sure she's okay, and would have a specific time of when to call if they are staying the night somewhere.
You also said you are only thirteen. Which is good, however you should write about your age group and lower. Because it's easier to make people younger then you believable, and your own age group believable, but when an author (especially young authors) try to write a main character that is older then them, the character because immature, unbelievable, and would be more believable if they were younger.

However have a blast writing.
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Old 04-03-2010, 12:10 PM   #7
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Story i have written, is it good...?

I didn't read your story.

If you are passionate about writing, then keep writing. If you are passionate about THIS story, then keep writing THIS story. If you are writing to impress the people on yahoo answers or elsewhere, then don't bother continuing.

Write for yourself and nobody else. Write because you love writing!
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Old 04-03-2010, 12:30 PM   #8
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Story i have written, is it good...?

I think youve got talent, but just a pointer, you dont have to tell use everyones hair and eye color right when you introduce the character. You can add it in later and more subtly.....like "he said, his green eyes glinting dangerously" (maybe not the best example but you get it). I also think its a lot easier to write a character thats your age, I mean thats the age you know the best right? Try to stray away from making it like twilight, im not saying your copying but if people at least think your trying to do a twilight story than its going to turn your readers off. I think for 13 you've got a great start.

"Don't call me an imposter :]" also makes a good point.
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Old 04-03-2010, 12:54 PM   #9
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Story i have written, is it good...?

no offense, but this sounds really similar to twilight.

have you read it? because after some people read it they unconsiously get ideas similar to twilight.

i suggest changing a few things so it doesn't sounds 90& like Twilight- instead maybe everyone in the city is a vampire but her and 6 people? and she falls in love with one of the vampires and later finds out she's one herself?
and is heartbreak a good enough motive to try and kill people?
other than that, i read a bit. it was good but some times i'm left off and don't understand what's happening and would have to re read- which makes me get tired and not wanting to continue being confused.
but this is just a draft, right? you can fix it.
and if you love writing, don't take these personally but use them to your advantage
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Old 04-03-2010, 01:04 PM   #10
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Story i have written, is it good...?

Hey, i just read your story but sorry the first part was kind of hard to understand. You don't know who your are talking to . Is it a boy or girl? no one really knows so fix that. Also, i am 13 and im writing a story but the main character is 14 and im almost fourteen so it usually has t be an age you passed or you are because then you know what goes on in life during your age and you be confused into what is going to happen with 15-16 olds. Also, i liked it but you should sort of explain these are a bunch of friends, they love to hang out and dadadada and don't just jump to oh lets go to the movies. But you should keep writing!11! GOOD LUCK AND BEST WISHES!!!! :]
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