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Old 03-14-2005, 04:36 PM   #1
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A joke topic...

Lets post some jokes.. I'm goin to post some that I have saved on my computer...

45 Fun Elevator Activities

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

5. On a long ride, sway side-to-side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

6. Shave.

7.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

8. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.

9. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

10. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

11. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

12. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

13. Do Tai Chi exercises.

14. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

15. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

16. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

17. Meow, occasionally.

18. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

19. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go!" then sigh and say "Oops!"

20. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

21. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

22.Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

23. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

24. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

25. Leave a box between the doors.

26. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

27. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers, with it.

28. Start a sing-along.

29. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

30. Play the harmonica.

31. Shadow box.

32. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

33. Lean against the button panel.

34. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

35. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

36. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space"

37. Bring a chair along.

38. Blow spit bubbles.

39. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

40. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

41. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

42. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

43. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.

44. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."

45. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
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Old 03-14-2005, 04:37 PM   #2
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Microsoft Engineering

There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work?"
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Old 03-14-2005, 04:37 PM   #3
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Who Designed the Human Body?

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who might've designed the human body.

The first one said, "It must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that."

The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an electrical engineer."

Then the third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?"
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Old 03-14-2005, 04:39 PM   #4
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A police officer. who was "sitting" at a stop sign, watched a man roll through the intersection without stopping. He pulled the driver over and requested to see the driver's license and registration.

The driver asked, "But officer, why'd you stop me?"

"Didn't you see the stop sign back there?" the officer answered.

"You didn't come to a full stop."

"But I DID slow down," replied the driver.

"But you didn't STOP -- it's a stop sign," the officer insisted.

"But I DID slow down," the driver stubbornly argued.

"But it's not a 'slow down' sign ... it's a STOP sign," argued back the officer.

After going back and forth with this several times, the officer became agitated, grabbed the driver by the neck and dragged him out through the open window. He then began to kick him and beat him with his night stick.

After several kicks and whacks, and the driver's panic-stricken screaming, the officer politely asked, "So do you want me to stop, or do you want me to slow down?"
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Old 03-14-2005, 05:14 PM   #5
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What did the mother on the beach say to Michael Jackson.....


Get outta my sun.

Cheasy I know. I'm all about the cheasy ones.
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Old 03-14-2005, 05:15 PM   #6
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Why are pirates so angry.....


Cuz they Arrrggghhhh!
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Old 03-14-2005, 05:15 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoover
Why are pirates so angry.....


Cuz they Arrrggghhhh!

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Old 03-14-2005, 05:17 PM   #8
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^ I told you I like the cheasy ones.
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Old 03-14-2005, 05:17 PM   #9
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LITTLE TONY ON MATH

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the Fu*king difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"


LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"


LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just Fu*king beautiful!'"


LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat"

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own Fu*king business.
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