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Old 04-05-2005, 11:20 PM   #1
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A tribute to Mitch

Here's a bunch of his bits, enjoy

Mitch, would you like a frozen banana?
No. But maybe I'd like a regular banana later...so, yeah!


'Potatoes take so long to microwave. Sometimes, I just put one in the micro, even if I don't feel like one, because by the time it's finished cooking, who knows?....'


"I'm in a casino, I'm standing by the door, the security guy came over and said: 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking the fire exit'. He thought if there was a fire, I wans't gonna run. If you flamable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit."



"I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, and stand by the lunch meat section for too long you start to get pissed off by the turkeys. You see like, turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey baloni. Somebody needs to tell the turkeys: "Man, just be yourself! You don't have to emmulate the other animals. You got your own thing going."


"I hate turtle necks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtle neck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy... all day. And if you wear a turtle neck and a back pack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down."


"Says, 'You can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95'. I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one *beep* complicated payment. 'We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a b**ch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, *beep*


You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".


"Acid was my favorite drug. When me and my friends would trip on acid, we used to go into the woods, cause there was less chance we'd run into an authority figure, but we ran into a bear, that was even more of a buzz-kill. My friend Duane's goin up, raisin his right hand, swearin to help prevent Forrest Fires. We got away from the bear, he puts his arm around me and says 'Mitchel, Smokey is way more intense in person.'In England, Smokey the Bear is not the official forrest fire prevention representative, they have Smaquis the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. It's a good system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. There never has been a frog hoppin towards me and I thought 'Man, I better play dead! Here comes that frog!' I never have said 'Here comes that frog' in a horrifying manner. It's always been optimistic. Like 'Hey, here comes that frog! FANTASTIC! Maybe he will settle near me, and let me pet him. And put him in a mayonase jar; with a stick, and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. I better poke some holes in that jar cause he's damn sure used to air! And I can observe him, but he won't be doin much, in his 16oz world.'"



" I love escalators man, escalators can never break....they only turn into stairs..........sorry for the convenience."


"i had a neighbor and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted to turn my music down. And that made me angry cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head and I'd say 'go around, i cannot open the wall'."

"it's really not an emergency break, it's an emergency 'make the car smell funny lever'."

"I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
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Old 04-05-2005, 11:23 PM   #2
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Old 04-05-2005, 11:25 PM   #3
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hahaha...
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Old 04-05-2005, 11:26 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brent
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Old 04-05-2005, 11:28 PM   #5
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"Sometimes, I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to somebody you don't know, because, what if they don't have a hand? They might think you are cocky! 'Look what I got. This thing is useful. I'm going to pick something up.'"
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Old 04-05-2005, 11:29 PM   #6
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"i wanted to get my teeth whitened...but f*** that i'll get a tan instead"

"i went to the doctor. all the did was suck blood from my neck. do not go see Dr. Acula."

"theres six ducks outside...and they wall want......SUNCHIPS!"


my friends and i are doing a mitch tribute at one of my organizations "variety night"...the three of us are gonna dress up like mitch and tell his jokes...it will be awesome
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Old 04-05-2005, 11:29 PM   #7
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Wow...such great humor...and it's all gone.
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Old 04-05-2005, 11:35 PM   #8
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Wow...such great humor...and it's all gone.
it sucks so bad.


"Its time to embrace contractions!"

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Old 04-05-2005, 11:36 PM   #9
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Anyone got some vid clips?
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Old 04-05-2005, 11:52 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lowflyn
Wow...such great humor...and it's all gone.
No. The humor is not gone! It will live on. There just won't be any new material.



"I have this new girlfriend, and she's so nice. She's so nice to me. Which makes me think I should probably stop stealing money out of her purse."

That was new, and about 3 weeks old from when I saw him...
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Old 04-06-2005, 01:03 AM   #11
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"Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree"

"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said "**** it. Cut em up."

"I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, "**** that, I'll just make a copy."

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

"I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
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