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Old 07-31-2005, 01:27 AM   #1
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Official Joke Thread

One and only Rule:
Only respond with a Joke...



A young mother, paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife, made no attempt to
restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say,
"I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly,
"He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
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Old 07-31-2005, 01:28 AM   #2
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A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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Old 07-31-2005, 01:30 AM   #3
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Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere :whistle:
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Old 07-31-2005, 01:33 AM   #4
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What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the
Bull**** and *** kissing that will put you over
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Old 07-31-2005, 01:36 AM   #5
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Jake was dying.

His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She heldhis fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, .. go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .. I slept with your sister, and your best friend, ... and her best friend, .. . and your mother!"

"I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work.
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Old 07-31-2005, 01:41 AM   #6
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There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set up an appointment to meet with him.
When the contractor came to her house, they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They arrived to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, "Green side up."

The lady was a little confused, but didn't say anything, and they continued on to the dining room, where she told him, "I would like a nice, warm white in here, nothing stark." The contractor wrote something down on his pad, and then walked to the window and again yelled, "Green side up!"

The lady was really confused at this point but still didn't say anything. They continued on to her bedroom and she said, "I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here." The contractor wrote something on his pad and again walked to the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

The woman was now totally perplexed and said to the contractor, "Three times I have told you what color I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window, and yell green side up. What is going on?"

The contractor replied, "You see, I have four blondes laying grass across the street."
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Old 07-31-2005, 01:43 AM   #7
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During a long cross country flight, the plane began to fly through a bout of strong turbulence which seemed to last forever. A young woman seated at the front of the plane couldn't take it much longer as the fear of imminent death took over all thought. She jumped out of her seat shouting I'm too young to die, please somebody make me feel like a woman, and began to remove her clothes!!
As all the passengers became distracted by the actions of the young woman, a handsom young man seated at the rear of the plane got out of his seat and slowly walked toward her, he bagan to take off his shirt one button at a time staring at her eye to eye.

When he got to her he handed her the shirt and said,, "Here, iron this and get me a beer!"
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Old 07-31-2005, 11:47 AM   #8
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Two guys walked into a bar...








the third one ducked
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I could say nothing for my complete awe. He then. confidantly, purchased the gallon.
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Old 07-31-2005, 12:04 PM   #9
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A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, I can’t come in today, I’m sick. He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, I can’t come in today, I’m sick.The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?”

The guy replies, “No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright.
She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another,
and the next thing you know I’m ****ing her.”

The boss says, “You **** your sister?”

The guy replies, “Hey, I told you I was sick.”
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Old 07-31-2005, 12:05 PM   #10
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A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Mary put her hand up and said "Moooo!"

"Very good" replied the teacher, "what sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa" answered Johnny. She continued this for a while.
Then she asked "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose the shy little boy at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mother****er! "
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Old 07-31-2005, 12:06 PM   #11
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A man is walking through the mall with his teen-age son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat.

As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panicks and starts yelling for help. Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the balls and squeezes the **** out of them.

The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee. The amazed father runs over and says “Thank You Sir, you saved my son’s life, are you a Doctor?”

“No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”
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Old 07-31-2005, 12:07 PM   #12
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It was a rainy afternoon and Billy wanted to go out and play, But his mother said "NO Billy it's pouring out!" An hour later Billy comes back and asks "Mommy it's not raining anymore may I go out now?" His Mom looks out the window and says "I guess so"

So little Billy runs into the kitchen and grabs a bag of M+M's of the counter and goes outside, He sits down on the curb, takes an M+M throws it up in the air catches it in his mouth bites his cat Mittens and moves over on the curb. Billy's mom looks out the window and see's this going on and she just ignores it.

Ten minutes later Billy takes an M+M throws it up in the air catches it in his mouth bites his cat and moves down the curb more. So his mom seeing this going on again goes outside and says "Billy what on earth are you doing?"

Billy says "just playing Trucker! Popping Pills, Eatin *****, and Moving on down the road"
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Old 07-31-2005, 12:09 PM   #13
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A couple are celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary, that evening the husband says, "honey, all these years and you've never given me a blow job, could you do that for just tonight?", the wife is repulsed and replies, "no, you will think me dirty and not respect me if I do that!" Years go by and the otherwise happy couple celebrate their 25th anniversary, again the husband asks for a blowjob and is again met with the same lack of respect and the issue of him thinking her to be dirty if she does this for him. On the occasion of their 50th anniversary their kids send them to Hawaii as a gift, the first night there the old man decides to once again ask his dear wife for oral pleasure. The mans wife finally decides to give in as long as he will respect her afterwards and not think her to be dirty later, agreeing upon the terms, finally the act commences, just as she finishes the phone rings, it is the kids wanting to know how things are going, the wife asks "who is it?", he replies..."It's for you, you filthy cocksucker!"
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Old 07-31-2005, 12:09 PM   #14
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Billy is a kindergartner. He comes home from school one day and says to his mom "Guess what happened to me in school today!" and before she can answer he says "I had sex with my teacher!" His mom goes ape**** and screams "Go to your room and tell your father what you did when he gets home." So his father comes home around seven and goes to Billy's room and says "What did you do this time Billy." Billy replies "I had sex with my teacher!" "Good boy!" Says his father, "Let's go buy you a new bicycle." When they get out of the bike shop with his brand new shiny red bike with training wheels and a cute little bell his father says "Do you want to ride your new bicycle home Billy?" and Billy says, "No, my *** still hurts."
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Old 07-31-2005, 12:10 PM   #15
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A 12 year old boy was doing his homework when he was puzzled by an English question. So he asked his father, Dad whats the difference between potentially and realistically? Well his father said, Go ask your mom if she would have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then ask your sister the same question, then ask your older brother the same question... So off he went, he asked his mom first Mom would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? his mom replied I would have sex with any man for a million dollars Brad Pitt would just be a bonus. Then he asked his sister the same question her response was also that she also would have sex with Brad Pitt or any man for a lot less than a million dollars. He then asked his brother Big Bro would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? Yes I would his brother replied as a matter of fact I would have sex with any man for a million dollars. The boy returned to his father. his father said "well"? the boy replied and then the father says -- "well from what I gather Potentially were sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically were living with 2 sluts and a queer!!"
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Old 07-31-2005, 05:41 PM   #16
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Hold
On
Not
Done
Accelerating
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Old 07-31-2005, 06:16 PM   #17
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okay my last post in here citing a huge joke thread was deleted so i will respond with a joke:

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," replied Little Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
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Old 07-31-2005, 06:17 PM   #18
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Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again"
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Old 07-31-2005, 06:17 PM   #19
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i like this one:

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so ****ing fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a ***!"
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Old 07-31-2005, 06:18 PM   #20
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Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go **** herself!"
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Old 07-31-2005, 06:18 PM   #21
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owned joke:

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
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Old 07-31-2005, 06:26 PM   #22
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Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!
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Old 07-31-2005, 07:00 PM   #23
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my joke:


Brent's sex life

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Old 07-31-2005, 07:02 PM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Monkey
my joke:


Brent's sex life


ooooooooooohhhhhhh



A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"
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Old 08-04-2005, 02:03 PM   #25
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiteStang99
A 12 year old boy was doing his homework when he was puzzled by an English question. So he asked his father, Dad whats the difference between potentially and realistically? Well his father said, Go ask your mom if she would have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then ask your sister the same question, then ask your older brother the same question... So off he went, he asked his mom first Mom would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? his mom replied I would have sex with any man for a million dollars Brad Pitt would just be a bonus. Then he asked his sister the same question her response was also that she also would have sex with Brad Pitt or any man for a lot less than a million dollars. He then asked his brother Big Bro would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? Yes I would his brother replied as a matter of fact I would have sex with any man for a million dollars. The boy returned to his father. his father said "well"? the boy replied and then the father says -- "well from what I gather Potentially were sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically were living with 2 sluts and a queer!!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by 04stang
i like this one:

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so ****ing fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a ***!"


Joke:
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Cop. Being a typical lawyer, he thinks he is smarter than the Cop so he decides to have some fun at the Cop’s expense.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "Exactly! License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is the law says you have to come to a full and complete stop. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "I’ll make you a deal. If you can show me the legal difference between slowdown and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not you let me go and no ticket."

Cop says, "Certainly. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the Cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer. All the while, the Cop kept saying...

"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
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Old 08-04-2005, 06:17 PM   #26
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Re: Official Joke Thread

to quote blue collar comedy tour..... u know what tulsa backwards is ? aslut,, u know what aslut backwards is...100 bucks
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Quote:
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Ford Motor Company = FoMoCo..
what does that make Honda Motor Company????
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicole
Mineral Gray is such a hott color. Much better then orange
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Old 08-04-2005, 10:21 PM   #27
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Haha..nice one nick.

The other day I was standing in the park wondering why
Frisbees get bigger and bigger the closer they get.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Then it hit me.
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Old 08-04-2005, 10:22 PM   #28
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Pulled from holyrollerz.org

You know, I just was sitting there having random thought moments... I'm sure you all have those.... anyway way, my mind drifted to thinking about Honda Motorsports... and I thought what if you combined the two words... (MOPAR= Motor Parts, NISMO= Nissan Motors)... well, the final result would be, consequently, HOMO.... ROTFL

Train Tickets & the Engineers

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are
traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three
Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three
Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
a Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple
engineer. They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take
their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a
rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says,
"Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The
Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever
idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy
the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money. When
they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return
trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a
ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?"
asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see,"
answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram
into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another
one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the
Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest
room where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".
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Old 08-04-2005, 10:24 PM   #29
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Another one from hr.org

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
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Old 08-04-2005, 10:35 PM   #30
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Re: Official Joke Thread

This one is for those 18 and up:

What does a woman and a condom have in common? They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

True story
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Old 08-04-2005, 10:57 PM   #31
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiteStang99

sonofa*****, i didnt read every single joke

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
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Old 08-05-2005, 12:17 AM   #32
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Marital(sp) sex is like ordering a chess set through the mail. you get 1 peice every 6-8 weeks. you dont know what condition that peice is going to be in. but you still have to pay the handling charges
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Old 08-08-2005, 03:00 PM   #33
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Re: Official Joke Thread

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.
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Old 10-05-2005, 03:34 PM   #34
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Wow, this died out pretty quick. Well, let's try some CPR. Snagged from another site.
------------------------------------

Their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $ 20, for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state Over the next few minutes, he explained That his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $ 2million, and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank.

She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

There will be no memorial service. The bullet-ridden body was cremated.
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Old 10-05-2005, 03:35 PM   #35
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Breathe dammit breathe....CLEAR!!!!
-------------------------------------
Angry Wife
A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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