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Old 05-12-2006, 09:43 AM   #1
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More Jokes

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.

***********************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

***********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

************************* **********************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy!"

************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL. I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving."

**************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his pretty blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'."

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"Some people are like Slinkies; useless, but fun to push down the stairs."
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Old 05-14-2006, 06:18 AM   #2
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Re: More Jokes

Quote:
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL. I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving."
OMFG that's the best one!
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Old 05-14-2006, 08:58 PM   #3
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Re: More Jokes

haha nice
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Old 05-14-2006, 09:55 PM   #4
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Re: More Jokes

*racial jokes* -- if racial words offend you... well don't read the jokes.








why do blacks never take pain pills?
cuz they refuse to pick the cotton out of the bottle.

why do black women never wear panties to picnics?
to keep the flys off of the chicken.

what is longer, smellier, and darker than a piece of poo?
welfare line.

what is different then a paper bag with **** in it and a black man?
the bag.

what is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead black man in the road?
the dog has skid marks in front of it.

what is the difference between a snow tire and a black man?
the tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.

what do you call a black priest?
holy ****.

what do you say to a black man in uniform?
ill take a big mac and coke.

why don't sharks attack blacks in water?
they think its whale ****.

what do you call a black man in a tree with a briefcase?
branch manager.

whats the difference b/w a pizza and a jew?
the pizza doesnt scream in the oven.

how was copper wire invented?
2 jews fighting over a penny.

what do you call a bus full of blacks going off a cliff?
a good start.

what do you call 10 buses full of blacks going off a cliff?
a better start.

what do you get when you cross a black and a beaner?
someone to lazy to steal.

what does a black boy get for christmas?
your bike.

how many jews can you fit in a volkswagon?
2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 6 million more in the ashtray.

what is relative humidity?
its the sweat dripping off your balls while banging your sister.

ouch!

have fun with these!
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Old 05-14-2006, 10:18 PM   #5
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Re: More Jokes

Haha, those are bad but funny
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Old 05-15-2006, 07:40 AM   #6
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Re: More Jokes

:rofl:
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"Some people are like Slinkies; useless, but fun to push down the stairs."
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Old 05-15-2006, 07:41 AM   #7
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Re: More Jokes

You know why you never hit a blackman on a bike ----- It might be yours
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"Some people are like Slinkies; useless, but fun to push down the stairs."
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Old 05-15-2006, 04:45 PM   #8
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Re: More Jokes

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Old 05-15-2006, 06:58 PM   #9
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Re: More Jokes

some good ones there
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Old 05-16-2006, 10:10 AM   #10
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Re: More Jokes

oh god so bad but i definately laughed lol
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Old 05-16-2006, 12:52 PM   #11
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Re: More Jokes

soo bad..

so bad.

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Old 05-16-2006, 12:58 PM   #12
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Re: More Jokes

these joke are old yall are just now reading them... lol
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