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Old 05-25-2006, 09:23 AM   #36
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Re: woot for road trips

"Ahhh", said The Red. "We must go this way to reach the summit, the other left-left-left-left centermost path is for the tourists." The Black agreed and rangled up the group to head toward the summit.
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Old 05-25-2006, 02:41 PM   #37
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Re: woot for road trips

The walk up the summit was a very peaceful and serene one. It turned out to not be as craggy as it looked. They even met a couple Swedish babes. One was grief-stricken and the other was about 5'9". After conversing with the Swedish girls, they made much adieu about nothing and continued up the mountain.

A short ways after, they came to a mountain spring which was said to be the fabled Spring of Life. Well, except for Log who had already came twice. The goat-heads had worshipped this sacred Spring for two whole days now. They would probably even write a book about it eventually. After The Black finished pissing, everyone decided they should bathe in the spring in order to receive the blessings of Shiva. It was a great and wonderful experience and Shiva even gave The Blue some apples. The Blue thanked her fiercely saying, "Dem's sum good apples."

After the caramel ran out, everyone shook hands with the goddess and also told her a joke. The joke told by Cundus was especially funny, simply because it was a half lamp, half monkey thing telling a joke. I believe it involved balloon animals, hookers, and something about rotting fish sticks. Shiva was also kind of enough to tell them where the bird lived and how to get there.

"It's easy enough," she said. "Just close your eyes and look to the west. You will see a great train with two steam engines and one leprechaun engine. Then look to the east. You will see a field of mushrooms. Through the field there shall slice a winding stream of goat milk. After also looking both south and north, although I'm really not sure what you'll see there, open your eyes and continue up the mountain path. At the fork, take either a left or right. It's a loop, so you'll get there either way unless you die of tuberculosis along your journey. Good luck and good liqour!"

The Black twitched incessantly at these directions which gave The Green plenty of time to swipe his Playstation. After a round of Madden '02, the group played with Slinkies. The Red actually got one to go all the way back down the mountain. The daisies of the field and the fish of the stream were all ecstatic.
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Old 05-25-2006, 04:33 PM   #38
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Re: woot for road trips

Joundus began to set in since it had been days. The group had apprehended and domesticated two wild bears. One they named Buttercup and the other they didnt name since they knew they would wind up eating it.

Log lead the group toward the bird's nest. Only 300 yards shy of the nest they were ambushed by angry business men. They quickly dodged the throwing stars and dove behind a cluster of rocks. The Red said, "User your magic on them!" The Green chanted a spell, "Ye rocks jumble bumble and rumble. Stumble thy whom approaches firglesnap!" The angry businessmen fell as the ground began to shake. Cundus jumped on two of the businessmen and killed them with kindness. Log did a classic A-Team manuver some how not killing but taking down three of the businessmen whom were shooting at him with AK-47s.

They were still out numbered and knew they only had a matter of minutes. Just then The Black and The Blue joined hands and used their mighty morphers to turn into ninja fighters with bike like helmets on their heads. Even though they were wearing tight spandex they still managed to make quick work of all but two angry businessmen. Urgle and Hamburgler, the two businessmen left, ran towards the woods. Log threw his favorite boomerang and took down Urgle but Hamburgler escaped and has only been heard of a few time since.

The boomerang did not come back so Log lost his right arm, we do not know why. The group reformed looking for wounds they may have missed. They knew someone had to be watching over them for they should have all died due to the fact that they are all losers who collect Picachu cards feriously, and are skinny white boys. The Blue, The Green, The Red, and The Black were not human really so that probably doesnt make much since.

The Red said, "Thou shalt be light in the cave of id, where thou shalt go no one will know." "We know better The Red, we shalt get the stick and use the stick for good, not evil," said the Blue. "How can we control it, its made of wet stick(s)," said The Green. The Black stood with a sinister look and said, "One day this world will boil over and run into the sea much like to much butter in a bowl, a bowl from long ago as fortold in the great book, you will see. We can only use the stick for one single purpose, if we do not destroy The Wet Stick it will use us for its evil will. Possibly even make us go to lord of the dance concerts."

They are at the entrance to the cave, they light torches and began the decent into the darkness, not quite as dark due to the torches. They see bones, and strewn about random red and black checker peices. Just then Cundus triped over something, "Oh My Godness I have falled over something slimy." What Cundus did not know as he did not fall into anything he was picked up by a huge mountian cave worm.

"Blind it with your torch!" screamed The Red. "It doesnt have eyes!" said The Black. The worm disappeared into the earth leaving no trace oddly enough. They dig for Cundus but can not find him, they have no choice but to go on ito the cave, a cave of which they may never return out of. Must like a cheap hooker they didnt want to go in to deep, but they had no choice.
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Old 05-25-2006, 05:42 PM   #39
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Re: woot for road trips

As they proceeded further into the dark, dank, stankity stankity stank cave, they begin to hear an odd noise. "That sounds kinda like a bird trying to play a tuba," said The Green. The Red obviously disagreed with any talk of that sort. "No," said the Red. "It is the sound of a bird trying to play a trombone." The Blue laughed inside his mind and soul. "Nope. It is a bird trying to a play a slightly-larger-than-normal wooden flute," replied the Blue, but only after he was done laughing horrendously.

Everyone thought it was kinda cool, kinda funny, and at least partially hippie-ish that a bird would try to play a wooden flute that may have been a little oversized. The group shared a moment of silence, joy and peace at the thought of it.
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Old 05-31-2006, 10:19 AM   #40
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Re: woot for road trips

They neared the evil bird, Sodoku. He raised and snarled a snarl equal to many snarls of more lesser birds. He began to glow red/green/and blue in random paterns.

Log rushed in to attack the beast. The Blue used his magic to summon elf gypsies. The Red grabed a handful of cave dirt and chanted a spell turning the dirt into a powerwheels jeep. The Green used a changing potion to morph into Tony Danza. Finally, Cundus and the Black ran to the side just out of sight of the evil bird and began to construct an endless bottomless pit.

Log jumped onto the breast of the beast and jabed his short sword as deep as he could. The Bird yelped and slung log aginst some hard rocks. The Bird let out a yell the likes of which would make even Ronald McDonald cringe in his big red shoes. All the lights went out, it was dark and wierdly silent. They heard water running and small rocks tumbling down crevases it was so quiet.
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Old 06-01-2006, 01:27 PM   #41
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Re: woot for road trips

Suddenly, with a great yelp, Ronald McDonald burst onto the scene. He looked kind of suspicious, despite the darkness, and smelled of burnt tuna and dead feces.

"Thou shalt not have the moist stick!" cried the clown guy with the red 'fro.

The cave lights suddenly flashed back on. Ronald rushed for the pedestal holding the stick. Everyone was too busy masturbating and spreading peanut butter to care. The bird was deadish. That crazy mad burger flippin' mofo grabbed the stick and made out the cave like you wouldn't believe.

"Uhh... oh yeah......... AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" said The Black. "Now that's done... hey, what happened to the stick?"

"I think that Big Mac dude took it," said The Blue, but only after a couple of minutes of smacking his mouth to clear out the traces of peanut butter first. Cundus was enthusiastically challenged.

"Word," replied The Green.

Out of no where, the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man burst out of the lava pit. He quickly turned black and then melted.

"Well, let's be on our way," exclaimed The Blue in a slightly inflammatory way. "We gotta catch Ronald before it's too late."

At this point, ten thousand kittens shed a tear of remorse.
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Old 06-01-2006, 02:28 PM   #42
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Re: woot for road trips

They ran for what seemed like days, whilst it was only minutes. They could hear Ronald ahead kicking up rocks and debris as he hurried out of the cave. Hey heard a horrible noise eminating from Ronald, "Ba da ba da pa, I'm love'in it!" They turned a corner near to the exit and finally caught up with him. Ronald was wearing short pants so he was pretty hard to catch.

The Blue yelled, "Stop where you stand or else!" Ronald did care for that and took his right shoe off and threw it at the group. Log took the full blow of the big red show to his right temple. There was little they could do for him. The Green picked up Log and threw him over his shoulder. The Red shreeked in horror at such a site and fainted a little. There may have been a litte pee come out of him as well.

The Red quickly chanted a chant, "Wiggle bee fly from me green tea alfa insurance!" A bluish black crow with a greatful dead t-shirt arose from some nearby ashes and darted toward Ronald. Ronald swated at the bird and triped. He began rolling down the mountian picking up more and more speed as he tumbled into the mountian side. He was rather mad due to it hurt to tumble on mountian sides generally speaking.

The Black jumped ahead of The Blue and threw a magic purplish marble looking thing. The marble hit Ronald and time with in a 10 foot by 10 foot zone slowed down to a crawl. They caught up with Ronald and just as they started to stab him in the heart (the only way you can kill a clown) Ronald Quantum Leaped to 1954 taking over the body of blues singer WC Handy. Apparently Ronald had to right something that once went wrong... but thats another story.

Cundus rushed in and grabed the stick. "NO," yelled The Green. "No mere mortal can handle such a wet stick, the power is to great!" Cundus began to turn dark green and swell. He then started floating away. The Blue said, "Not on my watch!" and threw a magic flying elf ball into the sky. The magic flying elf ball turned into a magic flying elf who used a pointed stave to pop Cundus.

As Cundus began to lose air pressure he droped the Wet Stick. They all dove for it since apparantly it was very fragile, which is odd since it is so powerful.

The Green droped a magic go back in time marble, the bright back in time glow encapsulated the group. Time creatures came forth and tossed the New York times down on the ground. They were being teleported back in time. They all cussed a little bit. They returend to just before they delved deeper into the cave and now they had to do it all over again. They felt this would be easy as they knew what was going to happen... but it may not have been.
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Old 06-01-2006, 03:20 PM   #43
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Re: woot for road trips

Feeling suddenly very confused/soggy, the group decided the best way to figure out what to do is play a hearty game of Old Maid, as this is long held by tradition to be the best way to solve tonic related issues.

After much card playing, The now freshly inflated Cundus won the Old Maid Tournament and much joy was had by all as the prize was a pair of new fluffy sneakers emblazoned with the inscription "Pots are for eating!". All the cave creatures rejoyced, but The Red was always a little jealous of Cundus from that point on.

They now realized after much unrealization, that the only thing to do was to use the "Get out Cave free card" that The Blue had been saving for just such an occassion, since all eye browless emo kids have one of these.

After much poofing of smoke and a little farting, or maybe the smoke came from Log also, no one to this day knows for sure, but they all got just a little constipated and sat down waiting for the atmosphere to clear. To their unrealization, they realized that, to their astonishment/constipation they were still in the cave. Apparently, The Blue had not been paying his monthly dues and the card had run out of free minutes.

After having laid out a very undetailed plan of action, The Blue mumbled something concerning his corns and the entire group suddenly became very crestfallen, but not for long because The Green told a very funny joke concerning cabbage and whores.

The Black was the best person of the group at Crossword puzzles, but he was too busy having his Sunday toast, which was even more unusual considering it was Thursday at 12:37 which is called the time of The Great Blimpy Fish. That, however was totally unrelated to Sunday Toast, but still very peculiar none the less. Logically, they decided to let him decide what to do, which is irronic because Log was the best at Yacthzee, but in any event, with New York Times in hand, they decided to take the comfortablly wooded path around the cave.

Apparently 5.8 minutes later, or 1 furlong, whichever comes first, they found themselves on the otherside of the cave where the mysterious/smelly Clown person had vanished. They took a moment of silence to remember the sacrifice that had been made by Log just a few moments ago at this location. In the middle of this silence, Cundus let out a helacious fart, and The Red became so embarrassed at this, he wore a paper bag over left foot for the rest of the journey. This is what he said, but in reality it was fuzzy little boggin that he wore for like 3 minutes. He most likely stretched the truth a little becasue he likes to tip the umbrella you know.

Presently, The Green looked down at his kicks and said "Oh Snap that's the little dragon/dog that I had punted ever so long ago!" The little dragon suddenly looked up with a look a unhappy happiness and the indiginous fungus started a chorus of "Halelujah!". The Tiny Dragon said (because small dragons can talk of course) "Thanks much for that joyous punt you gave me! It loosened some of my hacki sacks and I realized that I can come to terms with my Skittles addiction. Thank you so much!". After having said these things that The Green said he did, although I am not sure because he does like to tip the umbrella sometimes you know, the dragon flew, or actually sort of duck hopped away, or maybe neither, leaving behind a grey pile of poo. Cundus gleefully accepted this offering from the gentle dragon as thanks and smeered it in everyones faces for good luck on the rest of the journey. Shortly thereafter, Burl Ives came Limping/prancing by saying "You know what your uncle said!", which is an ancient saying for "Rock are actually pretty smart". Log, seizing the day, picked up the nearest rock and put it in his pocket for safe keeping. The rock struggled a little, but was otherwise unharmed.

After The Black got done wringing out his Brazilian Soccer T shirt exclaiming "WTF, I just had my glands realigned last week!", they pressed on with the singular goal of going to Mcdonald Land to once and for all confront the evil clown. It was well advised by Cundus to invest in some woolen muffs to protect their ears from the obestiy inflicting "Ba da ba ba baaaa, I'm lovin' it!" battle cry of the clown.

After much ignoring and a small table tennis tournament, they decided that they would just sew the governement if this happened and pressed on. But not after Cundus realized that the bottomless pit he/it had constructed in the event of the bird fight, had not been defuzzed. As anyone knows, this is a very silly thing to do as no effective bottomless pit can be dually used as a chandalier at Holiday Inns unlees they are defuzzed. Laughing a little to himself, he pondered these things for hours/milliseconds and decided it was a good day to go to Hardees for pancakes.

All the wooded creatures rejoyced. The non wooded creatures did not for obvious reasons.
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Old 06-01-2006, 03:21 PM   #44
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Re: woot for road trips

This is the best thread ever
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Old 06-01-2006, 03:57 PM   #45
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Re: woot for road trips

I wish I could take credit.
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:20 PM   #46
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Re: woot for road trips

They entered Hardees and proceeded to the counter to place their order. Three old men sit in the designated eating arena. They whispered to one another about the odd group that had just entered the resturant.

They placed their order and proceeded to sit down. The old men bolted up out of their seats and pulled on a magic rope. "No you don't" said The Blue. This was quite ironic since he just did. A magic hippi rainbow appeared from Allegros Castle (a TV show that was on Nick Jr.) and they all felt a force sucking them into the rainbow. The Black said, "Hold on to something we must not be pulled in until I eat my damn pancakes!"

Log lost his grip and went flying into the Rainbow. "Aaaheeeeeee please dont let me die im still a virgin," said Log. The group laughed so hard a few of them threw up in their mouths a little bit. They lost their concentration and were sucked into the whirling vortex before mentioned as a rainbow. The Blue landed first, which was ironic since he did not go though the rainbow first. He stood and helped to brake The Red and The Green's fall. The others were strewn about in trees in the surrounding areas.

They used mapquest to determine they were 237.3 miles away from Hardees. After an hour or getting everyone rounded up and engaging in a break dancing contest they decided to take the path less traveled, as denoted by the sign pointing left of their current location.

Only two miles down the road Anna Cornicova jumped out of the bush. "Give me all your gold or I will..." Just then The Black interupted her very rudly and laughed, "Ha you doest know you ye ar dealting with young lady." She agreed and they all huged it out like little *****es.

Remarkably they were only 10 miles away from clown college, the first and last entrance into clown town. They knew they had to go there they knew they had to. They tamed some wild tonkeys and a turkey for Log. They rode the animals into the sunset.

The next day they woke up inspired and ready to do good, good like it had never been done before. Dirty good. The Blue gave a speech to inspire them all. "Now is the time, today is the day, we must rise up and understand how fragile this mission is and how frugal it can be under the right circumstances. Never trust a one legged pirate for they will surly use horse rub on you, and we all know what that does."

The Red feeling very cocky said, "HA I am not scared, I am a color." The Blue tossed his cookies, "What are you losers bickering about. You should know better. Get on your donkey and lets get going. Log hold The Wet Stick for now and ride that turkey."

It was an odd equation, them all riding donkeys and one turkey bringing up the rear. Once they reach the Clown College, chuckles university, they would have to fight their way though to gain entrance to a place they may never return from. They were not to scared though, since if they had not retuned then no one would have known how to tell this story.

Only 100 yards out a Clown sniper took down Cundus with a fatal clown shoe to the chest. How a Clown sniper can not be seen in a green bush is unknown to The Red. The Black retaliates, "Take this." The Black threw an evil marble toward the sniper, it only made it 10 feet and killed a donkey. The other donkeys now realizing what they signed up for took off into the woods. The Red in cleshea matrix move took out the sniper.

The peasents rejoiced but we do not know how. They purchsed tickets at the clown train station after a battle of epic proportions took place. They were now to far in to turn back.
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:25 PM   #47
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Re: woot for road trips

this is absurd

i think you guys should make an ME children's book out of the posts in this thread...or maybe a novel
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:37 PM   #48
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Re: woot for road trips

They now took the road less traveled onward toward clown town.

Unfortunately for them... the path less traveled wasn't just less traveled. It was really less traveled. I'm talkin' briars and ****... and lots of vines. One of the vines, however, was pretty cool and offered the group a beer. The Black got pissed about the absurdity of offering the entire group a single beer and ravaged the countryside.

Further down the path, they came to a great fountain of learning and hope. They were told the meaning of life and other cool things that everyone wants to know, but is afraid to ask about. The Green even found a bucket of fried chicken. The Black once again got pissed because there were no potatoes and gravy.

After hiking 307.3 miles (Mapquest is full of ****), the group finally saw a Hardee's sign sticking above the trees. They also smelled the smell of freshly warmed biscuits and tea. Not so much tea though, mainly just biscuits.
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:55 PM   #49
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Re: woot for road trips

Log was in deep sh** he took them the wrong way, they were supposed to go on into clown town but... instead they are not at Hardees again. The same three men were there this time they snuck up on them to teach them a lesson. The Blue summoned a gypsy monster and it ate them whole. This really wasnt a lesson since they are now dead but man was it funny to watch.

Logs mother appeared to him as an aberition and told him of a great evil that was comming to the world, and how he was the only one that could stop it. The Red got super ****ed cuz he wanted to be the only one that could stop such a thing. The Blue was kind of ****ed but thought it was cool at the same time.

The Black and The Green were in the bathroom so they missed out and were sad. They began eating pancakes and filling up. A salt shaker came to life and started to sing the group a song. Since salt really didnt know much about singing it turned out to be a super high pitched sound that made their ears bleed their own blood. They ran from Hardees and caught a ride on a fairy going down stream, and by fairy I mean a gay.
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Old 06-01-2006, 09:11 PM   #50
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Re: woot for road trips

As they held on to the curls of Richard Simmons hair, they began to question the reality of the moment. How could a group of mystical and powerful beings ride on the back of a queer celebrity work-out leader?

The Black spoke sternly of the matter at hand, "DMT," whispered The Black. Everyone laughed hysterically, yet equally sternly.

As they neared clown town, they were approached by a group of flying, and also singing, trees. I believe they were singing "Billy Jean" by Michael Jackson. Either that or some Meatloaf song. While the trees seemed peaceful enough from a distance, the group quickly realized that they were surrounded by armored monkeys wielding water balloons filled with caramel (deadly caramel). The Green's under-pantaloons suddenly had a run.

"Richard! Stop! We must confront these wilin' forms of plant life!" exclaimed The Red defiantly.

As soon as The Red opened his mouth... then closed it... then opened/closed it a couple of times, and finally let it hang open (as if he were slightly mentally challenged), the trees formed in to one large tree (quite large, actually) with a monkey for a head. This was very obviously a quite evil being, with a quite evil plan. Richard's head asplode feverishly and with great angst, seemingly slightly to the left. His last word was "Poonani," which was said with a magnificent sense of wisdom and regret.

The great leafy beast spoke, "I AM DROGNAR, KEEPER OF THE BUMBLE BEES, TERMITES AND MAPLE SYRUP. DOEST MY TALKING IN ALL CAPS ANNOY THEE???"

The Blue shook his testicles in a mutinous response. The Red looked on carefully. He was probably a little gay. They all knew it in their deepest of blood-pumping regions, yet never admitted it openly and un-closetly.

Drognar was infuriated (INFURIATED even). He bellowed back in reply, "HOW DARE THEE SHAKE THY BLUE BALLS IN THE PRESENCE OF ONE AS GREAT AS MYSELF. I SHALL NOW TALK TO YOU... IN CAPS AND BOLD!!! *****!!!"

This obviously made The Black flip his wig, which was sort of ironic, considering his hairlessness. This was obviously going to be an epic battle of mammoth and greatly, amazingly, enormously, gigantic proportions.

The photosynthesis-loving beast screamed out, "YOU CANNOT STOP MY EVIL PLAN. THE CURSE HAS ALREADY BEEN PLACED. yYES.... yYES MY CHILDREN... FROM NOW ON... yYES WILL ONLY HAVE ONE 'Y'!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed The Group (because sometimes it's okay to capitalize the name of the group as a whole as well, but only in times of dire need). However, it was too late... The Green confirmed their worst fears, well... except for the whole deal with the penguins and strippers.

"Yes. Yes. DAMMIT!!! The bastard did it!" yelled The Green.

"He must DIE!!!" growled The Blue.

"Indeed," said the Log in a very calculative manner. Cundus ate a slice of pineapple while agreeing whole-heartedly and shaking his fist at the heavens, which were currently blocked by many leaf-covered branches and twigs and other words for small pieces of organisms in the Plant kingdom (remember this is truely an immensely large evil being we are talking about).
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Old 06-01-2006, 11:03 PM   #51
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Re: woot for road trips

The great evil tree made the first silent but deadly move on the group effectively castrating The Blue for his ball shaking deffiance earlier. Laughing strenuously at the irony of the situation, considering The Blue was a eyebrow less eunich, everyone tossed their Hardee's pancakes collectively.

The sheer grossness of this incident caused the earth beneath them to split wide open swallowing up a large protion of the great tree. This actually did no good because the tree was already partly underground anyway.

The Red, The Black, The Green, and Log were left to fight the world consuming menace alone because The Blue was on his hands and knees looking for his lost balls and Cundus was off in the corner masturbating feverishly.

After trying many inneffective and sordid spells, the group quickly became dispared. The Black angrily yelled out 'I wanted Burger King! But no we always have to do what Cundus wants because he supplies us with rubbing oil everynight! You know what!? I'm tired of this! from now on, I'm only using flax seed for my inflamed uterus". The group looked rather puzzled, which was rather curious considering no one had thought to bring any puzzles for the journey and it must be rather difficult to look like a puzzle indeed. The great menacing but dazed looking tree belowed, or in reality spoke rather loudly because I for one have never heard a tree below "MUWAHAHAHAHA! WHAT ONCE WAS yYES, WILL FOREVER BE YES!!!! NOW I WILL CONTINUE MY HAVOK REAKING QUEST BY DELETING A WORD COMPLETELY! THE WORD I CHOOSE TO DELETE IS "FRUCTOSE"! MUWAHAHAHA!

Realizing with great angst and a little ear wax at the same time, The Black knew what he had to do. It was drastic, yes, it was unheard of, yes, it was alltruisitc...maybe/or not, but it had to be done. Serenely and with great care/lust he looked at the innocent group around him. The Green, with pee stained kilt. The Blue with his second failed attempt at eye brow enhancements. The Red who had just eaten a small mushroom on the near by embankment was wishing the clouds really tasted like the fabled Baskin Robbins ice cream that they looked like (in reality the looked like fiercely bloated elephant bladders). Log with his little snub of an arm that had just started to grow back curiously. And lastly Cundus, off in corner approaching his climax while listening to his iPod filled with Shania Twain music.

Tearing up at the sight of his friends at their greatest moments and accidentally spitting on himself, he cast the Great Life Lemon at the great chlorophyll producing behemoth. The Great Life Lemon, more commonly referred to as the "G to the double L", takes the life of the caster. Ironically, this was actually The Green's "G to the double L" but the Great Lemon, not knowing what to do and becoming greatly confused and squishy at the same time as The Green had been fondling it when no one was looking, decided it was best to just turn into an aardvark instead and fly away, which was actually a very logical thing for The Great Life Lemon to do since aardvark's are well renknown for their butter churning abilities.

Having totally lost all hope, and being a little lame in the head, The Black turned himself inside out, sideways, inverted, flared, cross dimensional, cross dressional, circumfornicational, and did a little jig. Half the group was blinded by sheer amazement that he could do all this AND still be able to sing Blue Berry Hill like he could long before any of them had been weined. The blindness lasted for so long, that everyone had lost track of time all together. Yeah, it was as though they had been blind for a millenia of millenias. The years seemd to just merge together like one of those kaleidoscopes that you get out of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Eons pass,,,,comma,,,,,......dot.......

Then Log realized that they had all just blinked at the same time and that peach schnops colored plaid was still in style. Sadly even this was not enough encouragement for the group as the the great evil tree began to finish it's lugubrious chant.

Verily, it appeared to be almost likely that Fructose would be forever lost in time and memory or that peach schnops plaid might actually go out of style agin before they got to finish the journey.
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Old 06-01-2006, 11:54 PM   #52
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Re: woot for road trips

Log got a a little feverish from all the pollen emanating from the great tree of vile evilness and began humming to The Summer of `69 by Brian Adams.

Everyone, of course became very ill at this.

Finally, the moment had come and the group felt totally, incomprehesibly, erroneously, egregiously, helpless/itchy. In fact, they felt so helpless/itchy, that they became helpless/itchy at their own helplessness/itchyness. Their helplessness and itchynessness became greater and greater, yeah, even reaching up to the stars as doth a unicorn prance about wild fairy trees of Oakland California in the winterish spring. The great helplessnesslessness/icthynessalufalous began to be so great, that the entire world began to feel a little helpless/itchy. It has since been proven that this caused about 3 deaths due to suicidal scratching.

Log hopelessly/itchily said "Sometimes you just have give it up for those koala wrestlers, they really know their stuff." Looking a little confused and by and large rather drunk, the group agreed. I agree as well, though a little less itchily.

"RUMPLEFORESKIN! RUMPLECHODESKIN, UVULAUVULAUVULAUVULAUVULAUVULA!" yelled the vile member of the phylm Plantae. But then his caps lock broke just as he was about to utter the last part of the curse that would forever change the world, or at least the local KFC. This left the tree wanting and a little vulnerable to being tickled by the local forest mimes. The Mimes began flooding in from all over. They literally made flood motions to confirm this. I saw it. Anyway, in their own little mime way, they distracted the tree just long enough for Cundus to put a new lithium neutron battery in his iPod. This did not help his play ability but it did cause the great good Godessness of Shania Twain to emanate from the diminuaitve iPod, this was just sort of ironic considering he had bought the iPod from a local fleamarket 2 hours ago.

The Micheline Man suddenly appeared as a glowing specter shouting ominous sounding words that have since been lost in time. He then dissapeared as though it were a dream. This reminded The Red that he needed a new battery for his Rolex. As a result, he went back in time only to return again on tomorrow's yesterday and no one understood why.

The now greatly distracted tree was having great fun bashing poor little mimes across the face of the earth. Even the Great Goodness of Shania Twain chuckled a little at the sight. The whole time the little mimes were signing out death screams and blood spurts of agony.

It was time. With a great poof or splooge or neither actually of smoke the Great Twain became Single and she began to sing. Her singing was so grand that the entire world cried a little as they sat on the toilet and prayed that our heros would defeat the great evil tree. A few pandas actually made cute little panda noises which were extensively covered by every local news station across the world. Actually, her singing wasn't that great, but she did show her midriff so that made it much better. Consequently Cundus finally reached his climax.

Encourageably overpowered by her singing/midriff showing abilities, the tree began to wither and fade. It tried to shout, but it's caps lock was broken and of course everyone knows it is useless to scream in lower case so he gave up trying. Exorbidantly the tree began to shrink and shrink. Finaly, when the moment was right, The Great Goodness of Shania was Twain but now Single's belly button ring leaped out and strucked, yes strucked, the now not so great evil tree in the forehead. This was ironic for 2 reasons. One was that the now not so great evil tree does not have a forehead to speak of. The other is that, in all of The Great Goodness of Shania was Twain but now is Single's career, she has never had a belly buttom ring.

Far too extatic and now much less itchy, but still a little because they all pooped a little in their pants and now had hemorrhoids, to care, they all celebrated with an invigorating Scotts/Irish dance. This angered The Black because he was not scottish or Irish. But he was already mad because the local Kwickie Mart was out of We Man Condoms and this hole ordeal had caused him to go out of season as it were.

With the great battle over, the group was left wondering what to do now.

The Blue, now called The Blue ball less one sometimes for obvious reasons, suggested that they go to IHOP for another batch of pancakes or maybe the big and tall store for whiskey and a quick elephant ride.

Log lost his ability to fly but has now learned how to make a mean cheese sammich as a direct result.
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Old 06-02-2006, 10:54 PM   #53
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Re: woot for road trips

By now the world of the log king has received the warning signs. Preparing for the worst, they prep the blue ball preventative program. The initiation of this program calls for every available log to be sawed, therefore preventing the blue ball from entering the world.
Just then, the blue, previously known as the blue ball less one, jumps from the trees onto log, causing log to get the worst case of blue balls ever. The result of this, or perhaps just chance, causes log to turn completely gay and attack the blue, previously known as the blue ball less one.

The result of this attack is still unknown, eventhough the results have been shown to be as far reaching as planet oooobascoobadoooba.
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Old 06-02-2006, 10:57 PM   #54
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Re: woot for road trips

As they rode on the back of a great tusked mammoth, The Black had an epiphany. "No one likes cauliflower," he protested.

The Blue, however, had a different idea. "I personally enjoy it with a little dijon mustard."

This was a very relative and convincing anagram. Some where in this vast universe, a space creature watched the Weather Channel and sighed.

Meanwhile, back at the petting zoo, the goats were getting a little bit out of hand.

"These stupid things keep wanting to chew on my knockers!" exclaimed Cundus gracefully.

"I wouldn't let them near my maple syrup if I were you..." whispered The Blue in warning.

With this being said, the group left the petting zoo. After a couple mile drive or hitch-hike/jog, they sat down to roll a fatty. This stuff was clearly the most bubonic of all the chronic. The Green felt right at home, almost as if he was back in his loft in Swzhicstan.

"****!" exclaimed the reddish being (who by the way, most likely was on crack and masturbating simultaneously). "We were supposed to be going to clown town (uncapitalized for effect)." And yes, he even said that. Without another word, the group hopped on to the back of a great, flying sheep dog and were on the way. The Black thought that The Blue had summoned it, but no one was really certain and the subject remained un-talked about for centuries of evolution.
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Old 06-03-2006, 10:43 PM   #55
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Re: woot for road trips

Suddenly a great calm fell over the group. But they that knew that this was about to change... forever.



And if not, at least for some time very close to being foreverish.
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Old 06-05-2006, 02:54 PM   #56
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Re: woot for road trips

The Red awoke from a midest dream. "There, there it is just over the crest of the center most left mountian ahead of us!" It was Newfoundandlandchurchingtonville. The group could not believe their own eyes, or they other body parts. They had only heard fables of such a place existing. This was an omen put forth by something more powerful than any of them, even Log imagined. The Blue peared around his back at Cundus ever suspicous. They decided to take a closer look at what could happen... they all laughed at such a notion of an ere nasty dank looking place possessing evil. The Green shot some milk out of his nose even.

The Black began to spoke (past tense for realz) "In the days before man a town was built by non-men. This town was special it was to be a place for special people to come and live in harmony and Andes chocolate mints. The mysterious city was cursed by the evil Count Kragenzong the third." The Black paused for a moment then continued, "The city was forever then set to disappear at sunset and reappear at sunrise in differing locations across the universe or ping pong table." The word as it is translated is a bit misreppresented to say the least from Ye Old Text Version 7.1.

The Green snickered, "snicker snicker... I have heard of such a horrific amazon of gargantuan gaurdians that gaurd the gates of this city. They are called The Kate Keepers."

The Blue stood aloud, which was bad due to they were flying very fast on the back of something. "If we are to enter this palace of wealth we must leave before sunset for anyone caught after sunset is doomed to never leave again ever!"

Log fainted a little and everyone could see his angst to now go near such a cursed place. The Green comforted him greatly, "STFU wussy learn your place in the kitchen!" Log agreed and made some sandwhiches.

Just then as they decended to 20,000 feet and put on their seatbelts along with placing their seats in the upright position Cundus began to shake and exclaimed. "I am not who I seem to be ya'll. I am not who I am." Cundus reached forward and pulled his face clean off!"

To the horror of the group it revealed something scary, yet it kind of turned The Blue on a bit. It was The Orange! The Orange is a master of disguise as well as answering you with answers that make absolutly no since ever to anyone but they are so far fetched that everyone agrees as to not seem lesser smart.

The Red yelled, "I knew it was you this whole time you bag wearing leotard fruit!" They all laughed and The Orange agreed. "Thou shalt know me, the sun sets. There can be only the color of it all. The green pasture arose to a great side ways elf magnet."

They all agreed and felt a little more dead inside. They landed just outside of the evil temple that was before mentioned. They was scared to go inside, who knew what would happen. There were stone gaurdians abound just itching to come alive and taste blood once more. They were not really itching as to my knowledge stones to not itch, that part was just added to put more flavor into the story.

They all wondered inside acting all cool and like they belonged. They entered the main ball room hall and could not believe their eyes. Everyone was frozen in stone, or at least was in stone and not moving. The Blue tried to unstone them but he could not even unstone himself. Which was sad. The Black exclaimed, "This turning to stone is above any of us to remove, it is of a very powerful spell." Log began to cry and shook so bad he fell to his knees which The Blue was quite attentative for.

They knew there was an evil at work here so evil it didnt even have a name. I dont care who you are thats down right evil right there.

Just then the temple began to shake. "Oh ****!" screamed Log who is scared of shaking. The Blue said, "This can not be the temple can not disappear yet its not dark!"

The Green became yellow faced..."Its....its impossible.." The Orange grabed the green. "Bend over let me see it. If there is there will not see it!" The Green come out of his shaken up state, "Its five oclock somewhere!"

The group knew exactly what this ment while simultanously not. They ran for the door with every step the temple was all upons them. They faded away into the night! Day light savings time had once again reared its ugly head and nearly destroyed the entire group.

They looked at each other and they all began to fade away into a place where faded stuff goes. Where all left socks are and they were scared. They were terrified of what had befallen them. They had to survive and break this evil curse. They heared a loud evil laughter just as they reached entire fadedness.

With a poof the temple disappeared and a large rush of air came in to fill its void.
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Old 06-05-2006, 03:05 PM   #57
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Re: woot for road trips

wow i avoided this thread, and now that i'm looking at it, i'm like wtf did i miss?? i have a lot of reading to do...
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Old 06-06-2006, 09:54 PM   #58
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Re: woot for road trips

After the air got all done rushing in (which sounded very much like a cactus being milked), there was...well...only air. The temple had vanished.

Everyone made curse thoughts because they could not cuss aloud for there was nothing to curse to, nothing to curse with, on, inside, outside, about, without, pineapple, or eventuality. There was only nothing....which made cursing very trying, yeah almost like a rogue planet trying to fill a tea cup...simply, completely, impossible nearly. However, with all this nothingness around, The Green now had the time to invent carpet. All the nonexistant flower children and Bumble bees (singular) rejoyced.

They waited in eerie silence, which doesn't make a whole lot of since because there is no time in nothingness or silence for that matter. From personal experience, nothing is actually quite noisy and obnoxious like those upstairs neighbors....hmmm...the upstairs neighbors...?

The Orange had an idea. Those noisy upstairs neighbors might be their dont pull under penalty of trial tag out of this nothingness. Fabricating a corkscrew from the nonexistant Log's nonexistant knee cap, to which Log exclaimed "....safety cone....!" (it is believed that the noise of the silence drowned out what Log was saying, it is widely accepted by scholars and plumbers alike that the only thing that would possibly have made sense for him to say was "Oh Snap I hate it when the Lacrosse team tries to pack light"), he managed to bore a tiny hole into the ceiling of the nothingness. Keep all arms and legs inside the ride at all times, If you are prone to seizures or extreme dimentia, the flashing smells and blinding sounds experienced in this ride may cause you to pee a little in your pants. If you are not subject to seizures or dementia you may still pee a little in your pants if you would like to, but remember, if you sprinkle while you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie. And Sure enough, there the neighbors were using the bowling alley again in their room.

The Black pushed The Orange to the side (if a side existed in nothingness) and peered through the hole. Little did he know that The Orange had been expecting this and had left a black paint ring around the hole. The Black now looked rather amusing with his black ring around his black eye. Nevertheless, The Black turned around to exclaim "THEY HAVE GIANT CRABS IN THERE! THEY ARE (because he doesn't like to use contractions) USING THEM AS COASTERS!!" (The Black had to shout in order to be heard over the nothingness). Log was too busy with The Red playing shadow puppets in the great white nothingness to care, but a largish rocking horse fell through the hole in the ceiling effectively poking The Green in the eye. He successfully became the first "Eye casualty" in the group and now wairs an oddly placed band aid with the inscription: "This is for all my nigs" as a continuing reminder of his days growing up in the hood.

Having come up with a subliminal plan, they decided it was now or never. They had to go copy the jo...............................................................................................................................................................................


.........................dot...................................................................................

......dot..............dot............................................

kely he had left his free rental card at Blockbuster like a doofus. But the great Kumquat of lonliness was now so exuberant that he was happy to let them leave the bathroom and be on their merry way. The Blue was very thankful for the time he was able to experience the wonder of eye brows. Unfortunately they looked better on the Mr. Potato Head anyway.

(incase you are wondering what happened, The Blue had a severe case of the trots. He took the page that Log was writing on to cleanse himself. As an indirect yet unreliable/smelly result, the events that happened in between have been lost to memory. It is believed that Log the Mediocre [descendant of Lewis Longskirt] may still have the actual events hidden in his glove box, but no one has seen him since he went to that day spa in Atlanta. In case you don't care what happened in between, go back and don't read everything you have just read, as it is not relevant to the rest of the story).

So, the group clumb/climbed onto their new set of scrubbing bubbles and sped away towards clown town (uncapitalized as it first appeared in Edgar Blowzo's - The Founding of clown town and Other Unreadable Events vol. 6).

Log got tired of being "The Kitchen *****" so he decided to quit making cheese sandwiches for everyone and his experience points have now allowed him to purchase the Growth Medallion. This grants him the ability to grow any part of his body not already shorter than 6' 3".
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Old 06-06-2006, 10:22 PM   #59
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Re: woot for road trips

In addition, The Orange just remembered that he was supposed to be dead from when that bush enshrouded clown sniper took him out. He is now dead until the rest of the group can find 5 consecutive tree sloths who like Barney Rubble Burger King watches to play leap frog with.
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Old 06-07-2006, 10:41 AM   #60
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Re: woot for road trips

The Blue knew what laid ahead, they picked the back entrance though the Vanilla Bean Forest for their decent into Clown Town... now renamed to Corbon San Town by popular vote. On a side note Mr. Sandbar won govornor in the recent elections.

They drew ever closer to the pearing gates of Corban San. The Red fired a grappling gun over the gate door and shimmyed up it taking out two gaurds and a pet tiger with what could only be described from the ground as a very odd looking lunch spin attack.

Once he had cleared the area he snuck the others though the gate. The Black said, "We must be very careful now and that shop has great triscuit treats."

Log grabed a tourch and lite houses on fire because he could. The Blue tried to flash some people but was shunned by The Red.

They ventured though the town staying to their own self(s). They neared the entrance to the Cave Of Agrabada. Into the cave they purged after an amazing battle that is to boring to talk about really. The Red told of an old story envolving this cave. "Back when I was little this cave was a myth said to not exist. A group of archeologists found this cave nearly 50 years ago. No one that has entered has ever left, accept a few people that was losers. They even made a TV movie out the cave on Lifetime."

They traveled for what seemed like days nearing weeks. They sweat the sweat of the Lord of the Dance himself it was so hot and humid in the cave. The purged so deep down in the cave they had to start walking on the cave's roof. It got hot, so hot they seen two dead rats in what appeared to be a wool sock. Thats how hot it was.

The Blue used his last potion to create water and they knew they had came far past the final point of no return. They decided to eat Log first (with out telling him) if it came to that.

They finally, sometime later, found the door of entrance to Remembroil. They pealed the hand funk from The Wet Stick and placed it in the seath made to fit it so perfectly. The Black growned a little, "Whats that enchantment I must say... what is is..."

Just then Just to the left they found 5 consecutive tree sloths who like Barney Rubble Burger King watches to play leap frog with. They rejoiced and made new friends. They then killed them and ate them alive. The Orange came to life, did a disco dance and put on some cloths.

The Orange took the lead, "When there are four there must be more. Throw it down the stairs and let it sort itself out. I always say to put it on. Dogs like it pikled. Have you seen tape, I may get some trotts."
The Orange reached for his book, "Phone bills taste green in the moonlight. Eggs roll catch them if you can." Log tried to get the groups attention as to a lever he had so cleaverly (its a word) found. "Hey I found this lever." He could not get their attention so he said, "screw it" and pulled it anyway.

The Orange had said near nothing while speaking a lot, due to he had been dead. When the lever was pulled the ground began to shake. They had triggered a boobie trap! The Blue shouted, "The walls are closing in like many a woman I speak to for courtingship."

The Red said, "It Hit me!" refering to a rock. The Black found the chant and started, "Open The Door Wet Stick!" And so it was.

They rushed in the door just in the nick of time. Once inside the door the way back slamed shut in an overboard theatrical manor. They had entered another realm. One that would not take as kindly to their passage. The dank new world was very green and vegatative. Near by springs were found with fresh water they feasted upons. Log urinated in the water and got a laugh out of it as The Red noted how yellow the water was in this realm and how it tasted funny. The Blue did something a little south of urination as well. Log was then gotten back for his prank when asking why the new world had corn chunks in its water and was tick and stinky as he wiped the mire from his lips.

The Black gathered everyone and gave them some information on their new home. "We can NEVER go back.... this new realm is called Canada. We havnt far to go now... to our destiny!" They rejoiced that they had come so far. They knew they had to destroy The Wet Stick or the universe would explode.

All this time the Evil Master Jumofetabegjalegtogawellingsworth, Really Rediculously Evil Guy for short, had been watching over them with a Sear stone. "They will never know how perfectly they have played into my plan and have done my bidding HAHAHA with out them I could have never regained control of The Wet Stick. With its power I will RULE THE UNIVERSE."

Many a evil demon danced and ate bricks (they like bricks) at this news. They began plans to lure them into their evil clutches. But even the Evil Genious himself could not have comprehended how utterly stupid this group can be. His Manolta copier broke down and he had to call for service.
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Old 06-07-2006, 03:34 PM   #61
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Re: woot for road trips

Having only been in this new realm for a few minutes, they decided to name something nearby to ratify their impending conquest of Canada. The only thing they found was a stump. They decided to name it "The Stump of Sireptitiousness" (yes, it's a word), and gave a burnt offering of socks and their old undergarments.

They decided to continue their spelunking further.

Really Ridiculously Evil Guy was watching them all from the comfort of his Picture in Picture 94" Plasma Projection TV. He decided he would send them a "Welcome" party after he went to the kitchen to grab some more Fritos scoops and salsa.....

The group was walking solemly along a very well paved road, except for all the dirt and gravel on top of it. Everyone's corns were hurting so they decided to take a break. The Black started playing playstation while everyone else looked for something else to name as this had become their favorite wlaking game and The Green began to play with the rock that he had picked up at the exit of that cave long a go. *footnote* "wlaking" is how this word was originally spelled in the 14th century BH (Behind Hopkins).

Just then, or maybe a little before or after, everyone began to hear scary/uncomforting screeches! Log shouted "MEEP!", and everyone knew instantly and exactly what was coming.....something not good maybe.

They made their battle plans separately as a single unit and became almost ready when the attack begun. The Black belted out a rousing and unifying battle cry "I do it for the drugs! And if any of you meat sticks die out there, I call dibs on your M&M's Minis!" and the fighting ensued.

IT WAS Muppets!.

The fighting was gruesome. Big Bird was there and he didn't like The Orange (from a previous encounter) so they "went at it" immediately. The Red would have fought Bert but he run away. Log fought Oscar The Grouch (also so called Windmaker) while The Green began to be tickled to death by Elmo and The Black was let to fight........Snuffleuppagus! The Blue didn't have to fight because they had heard tales of him and new they didn't want to fight him because he PIITB.

Big Bird was bested rather quickly because The Orange knew his fighting style. Well that and he pulled his pants down so Bird ran away in embarassment.

Log lost his fight because he didn't have any powers except for that growth medalion that he sold for smokes at the entrance to Canada.

The Green was vigorously/intrubidantly fighting Elmo back but unperturbed Elmo just kept saying "It's tickle me Elmo". The Green's pet rock jumped out at Elmo and began tickling Elmo (this was ironic because the rock had just molted). It looked like the rock might actually have won except that Elmo picked him/it up and ATE HIM/IT! Just before he/it went down Elmo's gullet, the poor little rock yelled out "!" because The Green had taught him/it how to
speek, sort of.

Feeling a little prideful at his accomplishemnt The Green began to rip at Elmo. Eventually his stuffing fell out, but then the stuffing started fighting. The Green was Lossing badly to stuffing like when your mom tries to put stuffing inside of a turkey at Thanksgiving.

Snuffleuppagus kept "trunking" The Black. He tried to dodge but kept getting "Trunked". His HP was getting low so he inserted another spare toner cartridge, but still lost.

The now defeated group was together, back to back, surrounded by the devious machinations of Jim Henson. Finally Really Ridiculously Evil Guy found his remote and put it on channel "KILL". He saw that the little rag tag bunch was about to be bested by the Muppets. He knew he still needed them for what was impending so he made a call, collect, to Henson who called the muppets off.

To this day, The Orange claims he traveled back in time to Neptune to bring back fabled Neptune's wash mit, and that this is what defeated the Muppets. For the most part everyone agreed, except for The Black who had been to Neptune before, and they all toasted The Orange for his heroic deeds.

Log was unhappy because Oscar had stole his pack of smokes and was now going through Nicotine withdrawal. He tried to OD on dirt, but that only helped a little.

In unison, they got up sepparately to look for dropped change and press on to the brightly shining dim light at the center of the path many miles to the centerish.
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Old 06-07-2006, 05:12 PM   #62
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Re: woot for road trips

As they continued on the centerishly stricken path, a thought occurred to The Black. It was quite interesting.

The Orange spoke of it erectly. "That is a wonderful and most excellent theory. If only we had enough nachos..."

"Shut up CUNDI~! For why shall we use nachos, when we haveth a wet stick???" asked The Red in a halting manner.

"No!" implied The Black by wiggling his hips and throwing his arms in the air repeatedly, almost as if he just didn't care.

"We musn't use the Stick of Expertly Placed Moisture!!!!!" he mumbled under his breath with many points of exclamation.

"Then nachos it shall be," replied The Green.

"Yes," said The Red. "But we are in Canada? How are we going to get nachos?"

"We'll just keep following this path. Something tells me it holds many weird, strange, and wonderful things, possibly even nachos in Canada." said The Black in all his great wisdom. So great was his wisdom, in fact, that he had over 1000 Mana. Energy conservation was definitely not going to be a problem for him... Hahaha, no siiir.

So along the path, they did continue. Shortly thereafter, they saw a purple rabbit-monkey ****ing a turtle-fish in the *** while a polar bear filmed it. This further lightened the mood and raised their hopes.
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Old 06-08-2006, 12:08 AM   #63
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Re: woot for road trips

So along they journey'd.

Pretty soon, or a few minutes later, they stumbled (literally) across a giant Bird Bath encircled with freolas, ariolas, coca colas, and other made up flower names, but no birds. Feeling a little curious, The Black rushed up to the edge of the Bird Bath. He searched high and low, on, around, inside, magazine, under, and above. He could't figure out why the hell there was a The Giant Bird Bath right there in the middle of nowhere and why it didn't have a vending machine.

Then suddenly, if a little slow, Log pointed out that there was a sign at the edge of the road denoting a Giant Wishing Bird Bath. He said, "There is a sign at the edge of the road that denoting a Giant Wishing Bird Bath"*.
*as taken from the unabridged version.

Log also noticed that the sign said "Read Directions On Usage". "What does Yoo-saagee" mean?" he said. The Black angrily punted Log out of the way to read the "Instructions On Usage". He said it said "In order to use the mystical Giant Wishing Bird Bath, one who doth be full of worth, or one who doth be full of unworth, either one, must place his feet firmly upon yee great blue fuzzy toilet matt in front of aforementioned Bath. Then thou look deep into the Bath (but not too deep because it's only 2 inches), and think that which you wish to come into fruition, wait 5 minutes, and it shall be so.".

The Orange was already firmly planted onto the great fuzzy toilet matt. Looking deeply, but not too deeply into the Bath. "Ugh! This thing is covered in bird ****! And it stinks", he said. Log trembled a little at this, he had had a great fear of bird seed since he was a little twig. The Orange thought vigorously about what he wished for, and slowly, for effect or possibly a very slow server, the Bath reflected his heart's desire: Nachos! Made by an authentic Mexican no less. Greatly comforted, he left the Bath to wait his 5 minutes.

Next up to bat was The Blue. He thought hard and the Bath materialized an image of him being a vegetable, more specifically a carrot. "Sweet, I'm tired of being blueish/yellow".

Next was The Black, he wished that he had tickets to the next Twins World series, the Bath rejected this as an impossibilty and gave him a gum drop instead for which he was greatly appreciative.

Next was The Red, he wished that he would be further more known as The Purple. And sure enough, the Bath materialized, this his greatest desire. At this, everyone exchanged knowing glances, and The Red gave The Blue that sheepish/timid look. Everyone else placed their hands over their backsides after this.

Next was The Green. While walking up to the Bath, he tripped because he did not notice the step up sign, knocked himself out, and thusly never got to wish in the The Great Giant Bird Bath but did get covered in the sacred bird droppings at the foot of the Bath.

Lastly was little Log. He waddled up to the Bath as the others dragged/drugged the now unconscious The Green away. He silently/hopefully made his wish into the Bath. Sure enough, the Bath refelcted his greatest wish: to become the official mascot for a minor league hockey team!
Always the high achiever of his family, he knew this would make him much appreciated back at home in Fortloyolacoddingtonwellingsworthingtonford.

They now loitered around like trouble making teenagers waiting for the magical 5 minutes (or poonannie) to pass.

5 minutes later...

"I wonder if it's in the central or eastern timezone?" said The Red.

"Maybe daylight savings time has doth strucketh again?" said The Orange.

"Maybe your face!" said The Black.

"You guys are a bunch of doofus(es)!" said the convenently located coffee machine.

"...*toot*..." said Log.

"Maybe it was terrorists!" said The Blue.

"Unnn...." said The Green.

Finally, very dejected looking and somewhat soggily, Log read the fine print on the back of the "How to Usage" sign...it said "To achieve desired effectplease insert a/an(s) usable brain cell or 50 cents".

Everyone immediately began searching their pocketses for the 50 cents. The Red came up with 19 and a half cents and that was all the money they had between them. They thought about pawning The Green's nice new Rolex, but decided against that because they didn't have enough vaseline.

So dejected and lonley/hungry, they left the Bath.
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Old 06-10-2006, 04:54 PM   #64
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Re: woot for road trips

Through the course of human and not-so-human events, there come certain times in which we must all reflect on exactly who we are and why we are here. Such a time had fallen upon our group of weary explorers. After their failed attempt at scrounging up 50 cents, the group felt wearisome and dejected. Their wearisomeness was quite exponentiated.

For you see, the group had lost sight of their original objective and their minds had began to wonder to other things. For example, The Blue was thinking of some day opening a used car lot somewhere around Pensacola, Florida. The Red had begun to consider a career as a fruit cocktail salesman. The Orange had invented paper clips. The Black wanted to become either a Knight of the Round Table or a stereotypical Asian mathematician. The possibilities were quite endless. The Log even wanted to open up an antique barber shop.

The events that followed were quite unfortunate. With the lack of focus, came the lack of motivation. With the lack of motivation, came the lack of purpose. And with the lack of purpose, came the lack of action. It got to the point where the entire group sat around all day, playing Tetris and smoking marijuana cigarettes. A true tragedy was about to occur...

"I think I'm gonna head on back to the house," said The Blue.

"Yeah... me too," replied The Red.

"Indeed," growled The Black in a way that only a dark demi-God can growl. The batch fire stand-alone was heartbroken. The Log sniffled a little.

And so it was with this that the group began to head its separate ways, each member feeling useless and lost. A time of great mourning had fallen upon the land. For who would now protect the ancient magicks? Who now could ward off the evil beings who would attempt to rape and pillage the land? Doest thy peasant burn? Doest thou burn as well?

A cloud of depression seemed to cover the once sunny fields, and all hope seemed to be lost.



But somewhere...... amidst the gray... amidst the shadow... amidst the fear........... was a light. A light, a hope, and a dream...



Because desipte the darkness, despite the gloom, and despite the despair... The Fuchsia refused to give in quite so easily.
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Old 06-22-2006, 02:52 PM   #65
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Re: woot for road trips

Three years passed, with three of each season as well. The wet stick nearly fogotten at the bottom of a black dank swap bog lay waiting. On that day three years to the day it was abandoned an old grumpy elf named Widget stumbled upon it. "Snap, Ive stumbled all upons something wet and stick-like" he said.

Reaching into the slimy offensivly smelly dark swap bog Widget picked up the stick and nearly instantly had a severe case of Montasumas Revenge right there in the Bog. Thankfully Widget does not wear pants and it really didnt make it smell any worse in the bog, perhaps even better.

After this unfortunate accident Widget set off to the market place to pawn is newly found Wet Stick for some smokes/lap dances. Upon reaching the Lucky Duck Pawn Shop he placed the stick on the counter. The Stick began to glow a color that is so evil no one knows the name of it. Who of all else, an else with the most convincing show of fait youve ever seen, picks up the stick at the counter.

The Black! Now known as Mr. Alfredo by the local township, could NOT believe his own eyes. He nearly fainted/pee'd a little! He did not know how such a thing could come to him and him alone or why and how green tastes so good yet is so bad for your bowels. He knew an ancient evil was a-foot.

"Where did you find this!" said The Black. "I found it on an ancient indian burial mound next to some nuclear waste in a bog." said Widget. Man I **** all over that stick when I picked it up.

"Dear lord the destiny of the stick was abandoned this can not be!" The Black felt compelted to grab the stick and run very oddly, and to the side, out of the pawn shop and out of town. He knew that this day was to shape not only his life but all of mankinds life's destiny perhaps.

A month past and The Black, now sure of what he had to do, reached the ancient city of Funlingonton. He knew the ancient books kept in their old *** library would help him to unravel the riddle inscribed on the stick that only urine can show. He pissed all over the stick and scribed the message on a peice of parchment.

"Thou shalt abandon all hope, separate, and then upon a day there after reunite together and finish thou journey or burst into flame, an unending flame, and then you will begin to fly uncontrolably forever. This is thou word of thou stick. It is forseen by ancient powerful magick and can not be undone ever regardless, ever! Thanks, Stick Creator"

Astute by such scary words (that were typed in all caps but left in only italics to not scare you as much) The Black knew what curse he had entered into by accepting this evil Wet Stick.

He ran out of the temple though the garden under two gates around a bridge down a valley and to his horse/other. He galoped/other as posessed. He rode hard, very hard, for two weeks. He was headed for Templeton, NJ. He knew who he would find there and he was ready to get this evil curse over with!

He ran upon Log chopping wood having fogotten of his pledge to the Stick. The Black unmounted his steed and proceeded to walk to ward Log. The Black knew that if even one of them would not go with the group to complete the journey the world could be doomed!
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Old 06-22-2006, 03:04 PM   #66
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Re: woot for road trips

Log looked up and seemed to awake from a slumber that was great, perhaps even with magic monkeys. He was speechless but managed to say something perhaps, perhaps not.

They talked and huged it out a while. They both gathered up their gear as possessed (as before mentioned) and rode off to ralley up the rest, it was time. Time for The Wet Stick to be done.
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Old 06-22-2006, 04:50 PM   #67
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Re: woot for road trips

As the two neared Templeton (New Jersey, not West Virginia), they began to notice something strange. People had began to gather around the road, watching as they passed by. Although/other was riduculously fast (like Mach .78), The Black began to make out the fact that they were cheering...

"WHOA/other!" yelled The Black./other came to a screeching halt.

All the people began to gather around the two, chanting their names and throwing apple sauce. A few of them even had signs. One of them said: "I likd it." The Black was puzzled/amused.

"Oh people of nearth Templeton, what is thy bidding? Why have you cometh to cheereth us oneth?"

"Because!" screamed out a middlish-aged (40ish or 30ish) man. "The Grandmasters have told us of your arrival!"

"You are the ones who will fulfill the prophecy!", shouted an old mute *****.

"Hmm..." mused Log. "Who are these 'Grandmasters'?

At this all the people began laughing deliriously, drenched in peasantrydom.

"Why you *****es gotta hate?" demanded The Black.

A little girl walked up to Log and kicked him in the groin. Luckily for Log, he had previously smeared it with grape jelly, which absorbed most of the shock.

"You guys know the Grandmasters. You travelled with them all over the world/universe/time & space/planes that are not even Euclidean!" said the little girl.

Finally, it clicked with The Black. In fact, it was a double click from the right. Despite the years of depression that had clouded his vision since his adventures had last come to a halt, he began to realize what was happening. He had heard the stories since he was a Dark Gray, but never had he believed them to be true. And now, he was to help fulfill the prophecy? "Sure," he thought. "I have some pretty badass kicks, but this? I am to journey again (or burst into flame)?"

But the memories of his comrades quickly cleared up any apprehensions he had (not to mention the roasted marshmallow that had melted all over his knee cap).

"Onward Log! Onward/other! There is no time to waste! The Blue, The Red, The Green and The Orange await!"

They both mounted/other ferociously.

"Actually, wait a second," said The Black. "Why do you call them the Grandmasters?"

"Because they make some killer breakfast foods," replied some possum.

"Ah, I understand," moaned The Black. "Ok, for realz this time. Onward!"

"HOOOOOOORRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAYYYY" yelled everyone, except the mute ('cause she's a freakin' mute, what'd you expect?). A ninja popped out of nowhere with a huge boner and played air guitar while everyone cheered the two on toward Templeton. It was friggin' sweet.
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Old 06-24-2006, 11:17 PM   #68
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Re: woot for road trips

Onwardly they quested/other.

They had heard rumors of a great red faced clam looking person that kept telling stupid stories about some great adventure he had bailed on once 3 years ago. Separately and in unison, The Black and Log both agreed that this must be The Red that they had been talking about or maybe Dan Rather. They pressed onwardlyish towards where the rumors said he lived/other.

Well dear, when a young man likes a young woman very much, they play Chutes and Ladders all day until they get married. Then they have kids and walruses and small garden gnomes that watch the daffodils in the swimming sink on top of the chandalier in the den of thieves of New Zealand a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away tomorrow while troloping around like a bunch of sandwich legged math nazis..

They arrived at a Chuckie Cheese where The Red was outside blowing up baloon animals. Literally. He was like, hitting baloon animals with rocket launchers. The Black, tripping a little, cartwheeled up to The Red proclaiming "WTF! I want you to make me a friggin baloon animal! Oh woops, I think we are supposed to bring you along on our quest to dead evil and stuff or something like that. Or maybe that was the koala... Yada, yada fire yada....splooge!"

The Red suddenly looked very perplexed, or as perplexed as one can appear looking much like a clam as he did, made a motion much like an egg beater, and said "Whoa *****, get out da way! I don't know you, you're talking a whole lotta **** that I ain't tryin' ta hear!". Then he broke for the hills, which was ironic considering the hills were already broken. So instead he ran for the nearest bathroom and locked himself inside one of the stalls crying something about being too scared to go back, banana peels, and the lack of toilet paper in the stall he picked so hurriedly. He started peeing his pants because he had lost his pants button when he was getting dressed that morning and thusly had no way of removing his pants. So he just let if go as it were. He then began to read some of the scholarly writings on the bathroom walls

Log, hoping to arrouse, possibly not the best word, some feelings within The Red thought of a stirring speech: "Spam sucks at life because it dosen't know what it is or wants to be, but that doesn't mean you don't also neither! Think of that poor steer that lost it's...er...manhood for our quest 3 years ago...woops that was yesterday. And the great sacrifice The Black made in giving up his hash that one time...wait a minute, that was my portion he sacrificed....er....so many things depend on us to do this mission! Think of the cheese logs, quakers, Manhattan ice skaters, pineapples, carpet, Ireland, sea scallops, Nabisco! They are all depending on us! And M. Night Shyamalan needs to make another movie" The feelings were just pouring out of Log now. The Black was trying to catch a few with his butterfly net, but not fairing too well. Most of them were going down the drain in the middle of the bathroom floor.

The Red, standing in a yellow puddle in his stall of refuge, slowly, unlocked the door, and pushed it open. Or rather he tried to. It was stuck. They had to call the fire department to get him out, but in the end The Red agreed to go, but only because The Black said he would tell everyone that he had been pretending to be Michael Jackson at Chuckie Cheese's.

So they remounted/other their beasts/other and rode/other off.
Little did they suspect though that they were being watched by 3 beings. 2 were using seeing stones. One was was viewed by a pair of vile sinister eyes, while the other was viewed by strangely familiar eyes.....eyes that had been watching them for quite some time....approximately 3 years time in fact......or quite possibly only since 5 minutes ago and then changed the channel....perhaps not though...neither or possibly both/other....and the third set of eyes was watching from just a few yards away, eyes that had physically held and touched The Wet Stick just days ago.....
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Old 06-26-2006, 02:12 PM   #69
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Re: woot for road trips

They finally made it to Onratch where they knew The Orange had been seen. As they entered the town it appeared as though a tornado, or many lesser tomatoes, had detroyed everything. They felt an evil presence and noticed a Starbucks. They knew they had best make haste. They finally found The Orange's refuge and busted down the door with one swift paray of kicking motions. Log busted in and did a triple front roll nearly a complete 580. The Black was rather shocked and became slightly mesmerized. If you know about The Blacks you would understand this more.

They could find no sign of The Orange. They searched for what seemed to be at least thirty seconds before giving up. The Red decided to take a leak right on the floor as he was odd like that. The Black who was obviously checking out The Red's plumbing noticed the rather fragrent liquid was draining into a hidden door on the floor. Log threw it open splattering many days old urine over everyone, even in their mouths. The passage way was very dank and dark, there were many a stair that were in circles and seemed to go down out of sight. They read text etched into the door to warn intruders that there were evil dragons with horns and Billy Joel T-Shirts who make you listen to Michael Bolton down there. They were very scared, a kind of scared that is much more regular that non Michael Bolton related scarynesses.

They decided to give it a go and traversed the darkness. What seemed like hours of walking down steps was finally over as they reached the bottom. The floor was marbled tile with little designes of fat men drinking cola. Up ahead Log shouted, "Hey I have found a door, It is locked by magic!" Still very frightened by the though of the dragons they proceeded very carefully. They found piles of dung but after tasting it turned out to be regular dung. They also noticed flashes of shadows around them that perhaps was in the shape of dragon wings. It made no noises really other than the quick displacment of air. Log also mentioned seeing glowing eyes, no one cared about Logs opinions though as usual and made him get back in the kitchen.

They finally reached the door. The Black knew of this wicked wonder and used his handy Magic For Dummies volumne 5 to determine the best method of attack. While The Black and The Red were contemplating a plan of action Log decided to simply knock. To their disbelief The Orange opened the door. He had a very long orange beard and orange hair. He had been in this cave for many a months. He shouted, "LEAVE NOW OR THE BOLTON WILL START!" Log ran a little bit before noticing no one cared. The Black raised apart his cloak and the cave began to tremble. The Red did the same but only to mock how retarded he looked.

The Orange who had not seen another color in so long took a bit of time to catch on to what was going down. "I knew this day would come, I had only to believe that if I stayed hidden deep enough in the ground and behind a big enough magicly locked door hidden inside a bag of potatos I perhaps could escape such a thing. Why did I open the door, I will never know." said The Orange.

At this time the ground began to shake and an evil figure faded from the darkness into the light. This was so freaking creapy he just faded right out of the darkness with glowing nasty eyes. The figure was tall and lanky with a black robe on, and he has one freaking huge head. They all was shocked and so scared they could not move!. "I have been following you, me and my two companions, whom the group assumed life partners, have a little suprise for you."

At that time a whirling vortex of pure evil, yes thats what vortexes are, opened up. In amazment The Blue and The Green were spit out of the vortex. This was a very amazing sight as you can imagine. As fast as the evil broad backed figure appeared it jumped into the vortex and everything went black, even The Black.

The ground began to shake and the stairs began to crumble they knew they were all doomed. They quickly said hello to the newly arrived party members and spent their newly found experience points and level upgrades accordingly.
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Old 06-26-2006, 06:36 PM   #70
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Re: woot for road trips

After spending a couple minutes arguing over whether The Blue should spend the remainder of his points towards Swordmastery or Bluishness, the group once again realized they were falling into a swirling, dark vortex.

"Oh yeah," said The Green, "We're falling into a swirling, dark vortex."

Everyone look perplexed, bewildered and disheveled. Something began to reek of tuna that had been shat upon by Bigfoot himself and left in the desert to liquify. Log realized it was just a fly and swatted it with expertise.

"You're one helluva fly swatter," said The Orange as he threw up on his shoe. The Black giggledly. The Blue began to applaud. As his applause began, the room suddenly began shifting back and forth. One moment it was a swirling vortex, the next it was back to normal. Unfortunately, he stopped his applause just after it had turned back to a swirling vortex.

"Alright... I have an idea." said The Red. "Let's douse our heads in pickle juice and scream loudly. Surely someone will hear us."

This enraged The Black, so much so that he played tennis with the vortex and won. He then spoke: "Come now mysterious coloredish beings! We musn't let this howling vortex (spiraling also) be our demise! We must find a way out of here!"

At this, the entire group (except for the little guy with pink shirt, he was stunned/deadish) began to get teary-eyed at The Black's stirring rendition of "Faith No More". They all began clapping, wooting, hollering and making great karaoke tapes. As they did, the room once again began to flash back and forth between a strange Orangey basement to a whirling (and spiraling) vortex of doom and despair and evil and gloom and unpleasantness. This time, luckily for the group and the Pixi-Stix they wielded, the room stopped back to normal this time.

"Hmm..." said The Green. "How strange."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot. That's my Clap On-Clap Off Swirling Vortex of Badstuff. I ordered it off QVC last Nilensday," said The Orange bearishly.

"Sweet!" said The Black. "Aye," said the roast.

After much discussion on the importance of QVC on today's society, the group decided to leave The Orange's basement/lair/vortex and get a banana split from Dairy Queen. What they didn't realize, however, is that someone was following them... well kinda. Following them, but actually ahead of them. So much so, that this being's banana split had already begun to melt.......
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