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Old 06-27-2006, 09:42 AM   #71
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Re: woot for road trips

Once they mastercated their devilish deserts they worked out a plan of attack to once and for all destroy the stick that shalt remain namless, the Wet Stick. They knew of only two ways to enter the Lands of Nomad. This area is filled with evil, and evil that picks on other evil, BULLY EVIL! They had two choices and neither was very likable, hugable, or inconjacationable.

They could enter from the north over the Chester Opossum Mountians. These mountians were very cold, way below freezing. There were many an avalanche and evil non-farmable mountain trolls whom lived in the verious caves. Not only this but flying faries that spit steel posioned darts fly around the mountian pass and opossums sprang from tree to tree in a very scary manor as well. Once over the mountians they would have to go though the Wicked Wango Forest. This forest was all black and burnt. Evil Hob Goblins lived here whom feasted on the flesh of intruders. There were also very large elephants that roamed around, much taller than the trees yet very hard to find for some reason. The ground lay stroon with craters from battles of many years ago. Hot lava also flowed across this land. As you can see this way was very trecherous and very dangersous. There were bound to be evils not even mentioned as well.

The only other option they had was to go though The Pass Of Alberterstone. This pass started simple enough with a brisk hike up to the border of calcanous. Once there they would have to sneak past hords of gypsy raiders and circus folk. After some how managing to sneak though undetected they would have to enter the caves of degors. These endless caves reached down deep into the earth. They were forged many years ago by huge worms that were called Humpkins for some reason. These ancient worms are though to be extinct, but they may very well be living deep down waiting, maybe even knitting stuff. Even if they survived the caves they would have to find a way to pass the Nomad River. This river was filled with evil spirits that absorb magic. If anyone is touched by one of these evil spirits they are pulled into the river and become traped forever!

Both passes are filled with many a non anounced obstacles and evil beings that only want to take the stick for their own evil uses. Either way they go their final destination will fork together at the Tyranical layer of ********. Inside these walls NO one knows what goes on. It is also a no fly zone so you can fly over anything which blows.

They delegate the discussion very carefully deciding which way is their best bet for survival. They adorned camels with ivory tusks and battle damage dragon scale armor and rode/other off toward Nomads Land. Here they must pick their path carefully. They knew they had best stock up on magic crap and all that special stuff you see in the movie so they could do wicked awsome stuff. Once again Log learned to fly.
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Old 06-27-2006, 09:37 PM   #72
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Re: woot for road trips

The trip to Nomad Land proved to be a long (even tediously long) one. A couple of bananas were eaten along the way. A fish or two was caught and a sea bass was released back into the wild. About 7/15ths of the way there, the group decided to stop and rest in the small town of Townington. It was here that our heroish types began to realize that this journey would require a little more planning than their previous trip. As they sat in the town tavern (Big Ol' Titty Bar & Grill), the group began to discuss their trip in a most informative and decidedly tricky manner. The ale flowed freely, and the asses did shake. It was at this time that a great and wonderful decision was made.

"I'm drunk," said Log. This fact was proven quickly as he tried to fly to the pisser and accidentally hit one of the stripper poles head on.

"I told you not to eat so damn many carrots, you foolish flying thing," said The Red wisely. A stripper quickly realized that she was nothing more than a cheap whore and ran out of the tavern in tears. The laughter was horrendous.

"Now," said The Black in all his wiseness (for "Now" is a very wise thing to say). "We need to choose a path."

"Well," said Cundus (yeah, The Orange was back to that **** again, fruity leotard and all). Also, it is important to note that "Well" is also a fairly wise thing to say, but obviously not quite on the same level as "Now". "I think we should consult our physician."

"I agree wholeliverdly," whispered The Green condescendingly. No one knew if he was actually being serious or if his comment was dripping in sarcasm. The Green was funny like that sometimes. Still, he continued, "But do we even have one?"

"Good point," said The Blue as he sipped his Tom Collins. "Maybe we should go see Dr. Quinn. She always knows the 4-1-1."

"That's foolish," replied The Black. "Everyone knows she died of pancreatic cancer last summer."

"Yes," replied The Blue. "But perhaps we could travel through time!"

"No... we don't have time for that," snapped The Red. "We must act quickly."

Log finally came back from the bathroom and had pissed all over the front of his pantaloons. This made the situation even more grave.

"What we need is someone who is equally wise, yet still living," said The Red.

"HA! Who could claim to be an equal of Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman? That's preposterous!" laughed The Blue.

"I know of someone," said The Black. "Let's ask the bartender!"

Once again The Black had proven that he was wise beyond something, but no one has figured out exactly what. So the group made their way to the bar and everyone ordered a Dannon's Lite Strawberry Yogurt. With only 100 calories, it was definitely some healthy stuff. Unfortunately, the bar tender died of a strange and lethal combination of tuberculosis and malaria before they could get around to ask him anything. He obviously hadn't been eating enough yogurt.

"Oh well..." sighed Log. "I'm getting a lap dance."

This sort of frustrated the rest of the group. This was no time for tom-foolery and big ol' titties. Still, Log found a 70-year old hooker from southern South Carolina and went back to a private room. While he was gone, the group continued to brainstorm... unfortunately, with very little luck.

When Log came back to the table, he was incredibly giddy. At first, everyone had just assumed he got a nothing-but-gums blow job from the elderly stripper. Fortunately for them, he got that and more.

You see, the old stripper was once a great Seer of Things Unseen. She had told Log that she could help them, and that they should meet her when she got off work.

"A Seer of Things Unseen? Here? What luck we have! This is perfect!" exclaimed The Black.

"Yes! Perhaps she can gum us all!" roared the slightly drunken Cundus. He had been dreaming of this opportunity all of his life (except for that time at the ice cream parlor, but that's a whole other story all together).

"Well, I guess we'll just have to wait on her," said The Green. "In the meantime, let's tip these *****es!"

Everyone had a great time for the next couple of hours. Much chubbery was had by all. Log learned to fly even better than before, while The Red peeled potatoes in the corner with a great sense of self-esteem and dignity. The Blue even had a good time. He carved a bar of soap into a perfect representation of a lion devouring a wounded elk. It was probably one of the greatest things to ever happen to him.

The Black, however, was slightly worried. For you see, the Wet Stick had became increasing wet in his pocket. He was almost afraid to think of what this could mean. He decided that nothing could be done at the moment though and continued to enjoy the bouncing breasts and thong-covered womanly areas before him.
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Old 06-28-2006, 02:54 AM   #73
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Re: woot for road trips

Gravish looking eyes were watching them from inside the inside of The Big Ol' Titty Bar. The eyes could sense the wetness of The Wet Stick increasing. Well that, and he could see the wet stain growing in the front of The Blue's trouser(s). He then quickly realized that it was The Black that carried The Stick of Dampness and diverted his attention to The Black's crotchinal area. This gave him some slight satisfaction/sleepiness. These eyes were shiffty eyes, these eyes were thirsting for the wetness that only the Stick could provide. Yeah verily, a thunderously booming ocean of moistish liquid was beginning to overcome his fevered mind. He watched, and secretly wished that, inspite of all the frivolity going on around him, that he too could have a Dannon Light Yogurt....but no...he must be ever vigilant as he hides behind the stipper's clothing rack. Which as you might guess is very difficult to do....

The owner of these eyes, these eyes that thirst everlastingly, has a name......Widget. (so said in small print so as not to offend the innocent)

"....*toot*...." said Log joyously still remembering the fun time he had with the dime a hour woman of pleasurability. He was frowned upon greatly by The Red and as a result Log flew off to another table and ordered a slice of cheese with his whine before he could be told to get back in the kitchen and make everyone more sandwiches.

The others decided to take a break from brainstorming, as it were, because the table they were sitting at was, in general, getting rather wet from all the insuing rain. Well, except for The Blue's area, it was dry as a dead turd in the desert. To there disjointed amusement, the titty bar had a new guest act in town that day...The Great Lord Xenu!

Lord Xenu made great and frivolous entertainment for everyone in attendance. He first, passed out 3D sunglasses so that everyone, young and odd, could enjoy the act in marvelous Panavision 3D. He then started out with his ventriloquism act in which he used a life sized replica of a amoeba as a dummy. This was odd because amoebas are not public speakers, but this is a generality. Log said he couldn't see the amoeba, but was rapidly snafued and told that only smart people could see the amoeba. Log became sorrowful and sniffled a little. He and The Blue hugged it out for a bit. The Green was picking a booger out of his nose and then he flicked him/it (after eating half) up onto the stage where Xenu was performing ad hoc.

Lord Xenu happened to step on this fragmented mucoid leaving, and slipped a little causing him to drop the amoeba and cuss. He became greatly enraged and distressed at this and said "I am greatly enraged and distressed at this! I'm gonna throw all your sorry little ***** asses in the volcanoe and nuke you to a golden purple!!!"

The Black gave a knowing rubbing back and forth gesticulation and everyone chuckled a little but knew what they had to do. The Red donned his Blues Brothers sunglasses, The Green turned into a decrepit looking Lance Armstrong, The Black momentarily turned into Donna Reed and then changed back for reasons so astounding and misunderstandable that I cannot tell, Log flew to the Quickie Mart for some Sobe because he was thirsty, Cundus sucked on another "long one" (not cigarette), and The Blue turned into a snowman and melted.

The Black said "Surely this must be a vile henchman of the great evil that has befallen us and poisoned all the world's bleach thusly causing death upon consumption! Swicher's Sweets!". (it is believed that this phraseology was used in different contexts at this time. We are fairly certain/not that it is a direct reference to the colore of the locally indiginous inhabitant's stipper G string. For more information on early 12th century B.H. slang, please see Dr. Mellman Lipschitzz's "Urban Encyclopedia of Old Crap and How to Use it in Today's Pre-Modern World v.89")

Their attack was relentless and furious! Yeah nearly as furious as Mormon Man on Mother's Day. The Blue began shaking his genitalia at Xenu which hypnotized him into remembering his Mom back on planet *(^%$##*//{]PU. Big Bubba sitting on the front row said "That's the most amazing titty shaking I've ever seen from a hairless chipmunk!". After a quick hat change, The Green performed a Tour de France winning maneuver that not only left a tread mark on Xenu's left little toe, but also mesmerized the entire audience in the titty bar. The Black called down lightning. This really didn't do anything but looked cool nevertheless.

Xenu ATTACKED! He began dropping Jewberries out of his shirt pocket! Yes Jewberries oh my God!! These are so foul smelling that they are just two horrible to describe using Portuguese!

Luckily after his "run in" with the 70 year old Lady of the Evening, Log's olfactory senses had been depleted. Seizing the day, and a little lip gloss, he dodged the Jewberry attacks like a well trained underwater basket weaver and thrusted, yes thrusted, a grapefruit into the maw of the vile creature. That sucker puckered up like a city boy eating a Persimon. He puckered so badly that his entire face began to implode and turn into a black hole. Cundus said "Oh snap, not that vortex **** again!"

Actually Xenu did not pucker quite so badly. That last part was just added for effect and advertising space.

Just then The Great Al Sharpton ironically "busted" into the titty bar in *gasp* The Fricken Mothership!! "I have come to take my people home" he said powerfully without really saying anything at all. If you have seen Al Sharpton, you understand this. The Black, being the topless well of knowledge that he was, said defiantly "Xenu isn't Black! He's high yellow! And I ain't goin' no where when I can collect wellfare right here!" The Red fainted a little at the awe inspiring usage of the rare double negative. Just then, The Blue feeling rather inspired by the tequilla flashed his titties right there on the stage. Consequently, a few cows in a hermitage in Boston lost their eyesite.

Al Sharpton beamed Xenu aboard, still looking a little implosive, and made like Michael Jordan and flew like a fricking eagle attaining supersonic speeds of 47 mph through the ghetto dropping wellfare stubbs behind in his "wake".

Widget, having been made witness to such a vomit inducing victory, began to plan his bowel movements for the next day. He must have that Stick at all price of goods sold. He knew that the moment was nearing for his plan to come into fruition, and he had to be home before Mrs. Widget got home from her Bingo tournament at church. He spit a little on himself in anticipation, much like ketchup spits a little on your hamburger bun before excretion.

As a result of this victory, everyone can now summon Zords. Cundus was pleased at this because his Zord was a platypus.
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Old 06-28-2006, 03:38 PM   #74
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Re: woot for road trips

A murder of ravens busted into the town in a hellatious event causing near molten fire to follow them they moved so fast. The group gathered their gear and their spoils. They ran out of the tavern sad yet happy it was over, they managed to purchase one of those this is you on some odd ride picture screaming/looking funny pictures so they always had memories.
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Old 06-28-2006, 07:35 PM   #75
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Re: woot for road trips

Since the old Seer of the Unseen stripper-type lady died in the lava, they were once again ****ed. So with nothing better to do, they decided to consult with Dr. Phil. Afterall, the fish were tasty.

So the group left Townington and headed toward Santo Palo, New Zealand (or something New Zealandish). They had heard that this is where Dr. Phil had been excommunicated to during the Great Squirrel Invasion of A34 DC. The Blue complained about his eyebrows hurting the entire trip, which was quite stupid for obvious reasons.

Upon their arrival, they immediately teleported to Dr. Phil's new office. The walls were covered in feces and brail writing. Log tried to make some of the writing out (he used to be blind and could read brail), however, he had either forgotten how to read brail or the feces was caked on too thick to be able to make it out. Dr. Phil began having laughing fits and convulsions at the site.

After he quit laughing, he spoketh in a clear and mighty voice. "I understand you fellars are here to axe me bout dem der paths to da Land of da Nomads."

"THAT'S RIGHT!" said The Red. He sounded mysteriously like the guy that worked in the procurement department at the nucluear plant.

"Well, I've got some of dat der bad news fer ya. Da king of dem der Nomad Lands jes put dem lands under a curse. Ya can't git in der no more. He's done blocked oft both o' dem der passes."

"That musn't be!" said The Black. Fortunately, the serious mood was lightened a little when The Red let out a horrendous/happy-meal of a fart.

"Well, I reckon der is one way up in dat der place he's done got der. Dey say de only way you can git up in der is if two people try to git in both o' dem der entrances rite at de same goddamn time."

"Hmm..." hmm'd The Black. "We would need a way to communicate with each other as to the exact moment we would need to attempt our entry."

"Yup. We need some of dem der cell phones," said Cundus with his best Dr. Phil impersonation. Really though, it ended up sounding more George Michael/Prince-ish. A couple of ogres burst in through the window and stole all the Milky Ways, but no one really seemed to notice.

"Well. You know what this means. We'll have to go to the only wireless provider that gets service in both the Chester Opossum Mountians and the Nomad River...," said The Black.

"Oh snap. Anything but that," said The Green with a quivering lip and forefinger.

"Yes..................... Verizon Wireless."

"You fellars must be out yer goddamn noggins. Nobody goes up in dat der place down der wit' dem cell phones and dang ol' **** and comes outta dat sum***** a'still breathin'."

"It is our only choice!" said Log happily. "I've always wanted a Pink Razor!"

With that said, everyone took a **** and flung their feces all over the wall (Such was a common show of respect before leaving a room in New Zealand in those times, according to "The History of the Land That Can't: Vol NZ"). On the way out, The Blue boned the hell out of Dr. Phil's secretary while The Red filmed it. She was a freak. She even took off her shoes. Cundus was too busy chasing flies to watch, but everyone else loved it. After that, the group headed off to the nearest Verizon Wireless dealer, unaware of the perils that awaited them (well, slightly unaware at least, maybe even two).
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Old 06-29-2006, 04:42 PM   #76
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Re: woot for road trips

After exiting the town they made their way though the jungle located on the out skirts of the town. They heard many an odd animal yelping at one another. The first few days as they passed though the jungle went normal but over the last couple of days they have all been restless. They feel they are being watched. To their unknownness flesh eating jungle tribes have been staking them on their journey.

As they went though a small pass they were ambushed with many a spears and medium sized rocks flailing about. The Red used a magic spell to incircle the group in a deflector shield type thing while The Green summoned two huge garothytes to battle the leftest most battalion of jungle folk. This seemed to spook the tribes as they have never seen magic, or gay. The Blue then decided to make a run for it after creating a large ball of very intense light to blind them for a bit. This plan failed miserably when Cundus fell over the orb as it went off and subsequently The Green got 42 spears stuck in him from the back.

They managed to stay ahead of them, but their advantage was short lived. They ran into a dead end, the edge of a water fall. They all knew if they didnt risk the jump they would be eaten that night for dinner. The Red shoved Log into the water, as he didnt like him and though it was funny, then the rest jumped in after seeing Log tumble every so graciously down the water fall. Once at the bottom they floated down the stream for a bit to flea their attackers. Not long after The Green was killed by a water Hippo that he got to friendly with. Hippos dont like for you to stab them apparantly. The Green was swallowed whole and then the massivly overweight Hippo swam off into the sunset. By killed we mean swallowed while still alive, and by killed we mean not dead but taken away by a hug Hippo whom The Blue knicked named the GT500. The Black had a thought, one he did not disclose with the group, that the Hippo was really an evil hippo with more of a flowerdy name that worked for the evil that was aginst them. He probably should have said something but he is funny like that.

That night Log killed a wild pig and they feasted. The Red broke out his supply of PGA and they all puked blood. It was a happy occasion. They were now on the far side of the jungle, only a days walk from the port of DubiDubi. They made it into the port gates and decided to desguise their appearances as to not draw attention to them or their journey. The Black dressed up like Dolly parton, and Log decided to be James Dean. The rest simply adorned black pands with hoods and Baby Got Back T-Shirts. They made their way to the captians hangout in hopes of booking a boat for their journey.

They finally managed to book a ship for a lap dance from Log along with a case of old cigars The Orange had been whoring up. They also invented Campbell soup in a can that night. The next day they gathered all their regalia and boarded the ship. They had a long voyage ahead of them and Cundus had to puke like every three minutes, it was very annoying.
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Old 07-01-2006, 11:53 AM   #77
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Re: woot for road trips

The journey on the ship was very fatiguing and the lack of guacamole-based Mexican meals was astounding. All they had to eat the entire way were Scurry Dogs and and stale bread. Of course, the staled bread was cut up into cube shapes and enriched with various spices and such, sprinkled over bits of lettuce, cherry tomatoes, carrot slices and other fine vegetables, along with various dressings in which to cover the aforementioned ingredients. Cundus began to wonder how many islands it really did have in it.

Of course, along the way, the group had to defeat a great sea monster who sprang up from a whirling whirlpool out in the middle of the sea. It, of course, had tentacles and sharp fangs and was quite tough. Fortunately for our heroes, the great sea leviathan was allergic to roast beef. In a surprising turn of events, the Arby's sandwich The Red had consumed back in DubiDubi made a startling reappearance. The beast was stunned and sneezing. So, after that everyone celebrated by adding a little extra cheese and putting it down.

The rest of the journey was not quite as exciting, however, they did receive a mysterious phone call from The Green. He seemed to be losing service so they could barely make out what he said. The Black could have sworn he heard Bob Sagat's name in there somewhere though.
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Old 07-02-2006, 12:38 AM   #78
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Re: woot for road trips

Onward they Voyeured in the great and giant sea that was actually more like a small lake with a do not swim sign sticking up out of the middle. They had been going around in pentagons because The Black was at the till tipping the umbrella again. We all know how he likes to do that like he doesn't even know.

Suddenly salad, The Blue, who had been the official look out because of his lack of eyebrows, spotted something on the distant horizon....A WHALE!!!

The whale was not in water, rather it was above water, like it was frickin' floating above the fricken' water. "Frick" said The Blue, "There be whale(s) out there!!"

Everyone rushed to the poop deck. Log got there first and used all the toilet paper. The Red threatened to throw him over board, but instead they decapitated his 3 day old beard and threw it out into the water. Later, a dolphin swam by and used it for camoflage since it didn't have any shoes.

The whale approached from the stern (the side opposite opposite the stern). All the seagulls started relieving themselves all over the boat. The Black quivered anxiously like a porcupine getting a hair cut. He had once, as a little white baby, been attacked by a panda and this was like deja vu for him seeing this giant whale approaching above the limits of marindom. He had an accident in his pants and everyone else became wary of his resemblance to horseradish sauce.

Cundus yelled out "WHO DOTH BE THEE AND WHY DOETH THOUST HINDER US ON OUR WAY! WHY IS YOUR SKIN GREENISH VIOLET AND HOW MANY DOEST THOUST HAVEST YE? WHO GOES THERE FOR NAUGHT BUT TO HATH BEEN ABLE TO SAY HE VISITETH FROTH AFARDOM. DRINK AND BE MERRY YOU SNIVELLING SPOONERS". He was always the direct one.

The whale seemed to convey a look of astounded comprehension, as though someone finally understood him, but bEFORE THE WHALE COULD GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE, The Red held up his mighty Trident made of pure steel and powerful brawn, and pierced the great gravity defying whale right in the ovaries. The whale turned belly up like a dead guppy and used sign language to say " *(^ " which is to say "Damn it, right in the baby makers!" and deathed. Just like that. And the trident that was made exactly 400 years before time was first invented was gone forever. To make a new one, The Red had to lose 4,072 experience points. He has now returned to his larval state.

Later, a couple mermaids pulled up beside the ship and hooted at Log. Log instantly orgasmed and went below decks to have a ale and pizza. Cundus jumped onto the seahorse they were riding and proceded to have intercourse with them. Or at least tried, since they don't have legs to speak of, let alone anythin between their legs to not speak of/feel of and The Black summoned his Zord just for the heck of it. He then accidentally locked his keys inside and they had to call the locksmith. The locksmith stole the fuzzy dice that were hanging from the rear view mirror before anyone could say anything and poof he was gone. Some think he is still in Iowa, but no one knows for certain.

They continued on. The Blue received another mysterious phone call from The Green. It was collect so he didn't answer. Alot did they not suspect that Widget had stowed away on board inside the big Koolaid flagon. He was planning his sinister plans not very nicely and also without his brazier just for spite. He used to be a hippy.
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Old 07-03-2006, 10:58 AM   #79
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Re: woot for road trips

Widget continued to watch on from the flagon as everyone participated in the 7th Annual Three Eye-Browed Race. The Blue sat in the corner crying the entire time, for obvious reasons. Widget was equally depressed because he too could not participate also and either. As The Red squeezed out the last drop while Cundus did a little jiggish thing, Widget became increasingly effortless. He decided that it was time to make his move. He began casting an evil spell...

"HUMANAMAMANNSNSNMADasdfasdfasdfCUZITSREA!" chanted Widget, man. With this he burst out of the flagon, sending Strawberry-Kiwi goodness flying all over the ship and crew and the flashlight that was sitting near the flagon. The flashlight would never shine again.

The effects of Widget's spell were quickly obvious. Everyone's eyebrows began to disappear. Meanwhile, The Blue actually got negative two eyebrows. He was super pissed.

While everyone was stunned, Widget made a dash toward The Black in attempt to reach into his pocket and grab the Wet Stick. However, as he dashed, he tripped over Log who was curled up in a ball, crying over the loss of his well defined unibrow. This sent Widget flying into the air, where he was harassed by many a seagull. They tossed him about and sniffed his nether-regions. Widget was so embarassed he could have turned left.

As he was tossed back and forth, Cundus farted. He followed it up by casting a Spell of Greater and More-Centerished Conflagaration. Widget was sent flying out of the range of the seagulls and into a hot air balloon, which was very well conflagarated.

As the balloon floated off into the horizon with Widget in tow, the group decided to put their weight on it to celebrate their victory. They all knew that Widget would be back eventually, but for now they could relax a little and smell the perfumes and colognes and fragrances. They all listened to Kidz Bop 3 and worked on their senses, particularly olfactory. Later that night, in a stroke of genius, Cundus invented mayonnaise and many mayonnaise-based foods and dressings. Legend has it that this even included the fabled "Potato Salad," but this has never been confirmed by historians or even smallish zoo animals.

Fortunately, they were also able to work out a reversal to Widget's spell the next day. Strangely enough though, The Blue remained at negative two eyebrows. He was so enamored with this new thing Cundus called "Ranch Dressing" though that he didn't even really seem to mind, which was awfully strange. Ranch dressing would obviously prove to be a very powerful and mystical asset to the group.
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Old 07-03-2006, 12:44 PM   #80
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Re: woot for road trips

It was the Idea of March as they blasted Riding Dirty while they rode into the port. They had to move fast and there was no time for any sort of tom foolery. They paid their toll to park the ship and made their way into the nearish mountians to discuss Versizon wireless phone plans.

The merchant whom was working showed them the way into the Phone Palace. They currently had a promotion which required a two year contract. The Red hated cell phones and hated contracts even more so he killed some kittens. Log steped on puppies as well so he would not feel left out in the dark, cold, or even alone inside. They decided on a nation wide clear talk with roll over minutes. Gusto decided he liked the pink phone. The group snickered as they knew this all alone.

Cundus decided to go with a phone with Dale Earnhart Jr. racing on it. While all the contracts were being filled out and the anal rapage was beginning Log stumbled upon an hidden door and fell right though it to the other side! On the other side he found a seeing stone that was being used to communicate to some unknown source about the groups doings. Log knew the phone guy was a spy!

Log also found some marshmellows for secret eating. He snuck back out to the group carefully. They were finally done and had wicked awsome ring tones. Log riped the cell phone guys head clean off three times then he died. He told the group why before they freaked out. They laughed and they did some queer three musketeers hand shake group hug thing.

As they left the phone store The Red burned it down with a container of Ogre Musk he had been saving for just such an occasion. They now had to decide which group would go to which location. The Blue was going to lead team "Yetti Sack" consisting of Cundus and Log. The Black would head up the second team named "Keep it in the Family" consisting of The Red and Gusto.

They parted ways at their perspective ships. Log wouldnt stop crying, but Gusto huged him very inappropriatly. This seemed to comfort Log. They tested out their phones and after all that crap they climbed aboard and set sale into the sunset. The Blue headed North toward Chester Opossum Mountians. The Black headed East North East toward The Pass Of Alberterstone. Log ment to tame him one of those wild opossums for his own. He hoped to teach it to play the three string banjo and dance for dollars. It would also be able to do many amazing things when told to in German.

They were sad as they were now split up into two teams. They had watched as the wise scrolls fortold this event and knew that it had not been wrong yet. That only ment that Oprah would come to power and rule the world. This would be far after their deaths so they didnt care. They both put their weight on it as they saled out of sight. Cundus prank called The Blue and he took it hook line and sinker. Cundus now has The Blues credit card info and The Blue will never get the agreed upon eye brow serum that will make his brows grow back. They had only days before they were at their destinations so they had to level up like no ones business. Both teams nestled down for the night. At this time each group was visted by ghosts from the beyond.

These ghosts had horrid evil things to share with the group that they could NOT share with the other group else the world would most certianly be doomed forever. It was very scary as to be visited while you are sleeping and have your mind probed and talked to. After the visitors left each group woke up and decided to discuss the things that were discussed to them by the visotors/ghosts/cheerleaders.
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Old 07-03-2006, 04:20 PM   #81
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Re: woot for road trips

After the harrowing nights visitations, both gropes pressed on toward their destinations.

Team Yetti Sack stopped ashore for a few moments at a conveniently located yacht club. There was even a guy with a pet munkee that would play any song at request and a few stoners. They all sat down and had a few hits of cologne and shortly, the munkee visited them at their table. The munkee did some sort of magnanamus dance and proceeded to dip it's testicles into Log's drinking cologne. Log anxiously told the owner that he did not want to catch pregnancy and that the munkee "has his balls in my glass". The owner told Log that he did not know that song but might could remember it if he hummed a few bars. Log tried to hum "bars" but was unsuccessful, The Blue on the other hand.....

Cundus tried to invent origami but some little chinese dude found his plans and ran away with them!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Team Keep it in the Family knew that their night's revelations had indicated that they were all bound to sail off the end of the world, fall off into space, go through a few different dimensions, and end up exactly back where they were by default. This was a little troubling because the ship was only water tight and not really all that space worthy.

Later, The Black was able to catch and eat the same seagull a total of 15 times. This greatly helped the supply of provisions because he had been sneaking out with some of the cottage cheese every night they had been out so far (1).

Gusto played a awesome joke on The Red with his masterful use of his voice change recorder. He pretended to be that walrus that wanted to have relations with him at the last port.

The group decided to stop at a desert island because they knew somehow that they were ahead of the other group. The Red thought it was because The Blue had sent a text message to The Black but he became confused at this and gave up and had a sock party.

On the Island, The Black found and domesticated a wild house cat by speaking to it in English. That was interesting because the cat was obviously American but still understood the foreign language. The Red, in order to get back at Gusto dug/digged a hole in the ground and releived himself. He then told Gusto that he had found a well. Gusto drank heartily, but The Black said he had some lavender onboard ship so he was fine and dandy.

Gusto said the water tasted a little bitter was otherwise some of the best water he had ever had, for an island.
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Old 07-03-2006, 04:59 PM   #82
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Re: woot for road trips

Team Yetti Sack decided they needed to get a move on so they grabed Log, who was passed out drunk and probably on the verge of a massive blood/alcohol death. They let out all his blood and replaced it with V8 juice, it looked the same. They paid their tab and got back on the ship and set sail for Three Ring Island. This isthmus is the key entrance to their journey's destination. They finally passed by a cell tower and made contact with the other team.

The Black recieved the call and was rather relieved as he had a nightmare that he ate all of the other team over a game of barigton darts. He felt it was a dream as they normally were not all floating heads underwater playing darts while eating with chop stix. They did some cool global positioning stuff and made sure they were both on course and on time.

The Keep it in the Family group had an obsticle comming up. They would have to manuver the level 5 rapids known as lucifers ****. The ship was braced with magic smurf madens straped to tempered steel to absorb the impacts of the jagged rocks.
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Old 07-13-2006, 01:38 PM   #83
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Re: woot for road trips

As each team reached the outermost edge of their obstacle the server they were on crashed and everything slamed to a screeching halt. They decided to halt the journey as they were moving to a new server in the next few days. The server transition went rather well. They are not set to resume their journey tomorrow morning.
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Old 07-19-2006, 08:09 PM   #84
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Re: woot for road trips

While the group's server was down however... other servers were not. Something foul and sinister was taking place while The Black was moving the entire MySQL database over to the new server. It wasn't pretty.

"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" yelled The Green in pain as he sharted all over the floor slightly left of his right foot. Another episode of Full House was coming on. For over a week now he had been strapped sitting upright in a bed at the Holiday Inn Express in Winchester. He had been forced to watch Full House marathons the entire time... one after another after another. His right arm had begun to twitch incessantly, and he feared that it may require amputation.

Little did he know that he would soon very much miss the comfort of his king bed (despite the fishing line) and the sweetness of the little Olsen twins.

You see his captors were a group of war mongers from a dying race known as the Seabisuites. This particular tribe was short (only around 5 feet tall) and their skin was a greyish/greenish/ogre looking color. They were also very ill tempered. There were three of them: Ish, Ash and Osh. Ish was a female Seabisuite and had the stereotypical enlarged left breast, she was so fat she squeezed lard from her pores as she flexed abound. She was slightly fat, yet mostly just a total lard ***. The other two weren't quite as intimidating, yet they reeked of moth balls and bologna.

This day, however, they would not be so congenial. Ish's MasterCard had been maxed out from their week stay. And unfortunately, the vending machines would not take American Express. With the threat of no more Cheese Nips, Ish stormed into the hotel room in a rage. She ripped The Green out of the fishing line with brute force and somehow threw him into a dark and dank cave.

The three mongers of war swept him up from the floor of the cave and began carrying him deep into the depths. The Green complained about the lack of jokes non-stop, which eventually led to him being drugged and beaten within an inch of his life. They made him to bend in odd positions at a very feverish pace. When The Green had no more energy, he collapsed.

The next couple of days went by in a sort of daze. He slipped in and out of consciousness often. As a result, he missed left hand yellow and lost Twister! Due to this loss, his arms were swapped back and forth several times until he eventually forgot which way was right. They even began to change to shades other than green but nobody really noticed that right off the bat. Once his captors did, however, they covered his entire body in bondo. As gruesome as this sounds, do not fear, for they wet sanded 99% of it off with some 400 grit.

As The Green began to come back to reality, he wrote a novel. It would be called "Gone With The Wind" and eventually sold fairly well. By the time he was done, they had progressed very deep into the bowels of Earth. This was evident by the rumbling, smell of sulfur and the GPS which came with The Green's new RAZR.

Unfortunately, the worst was yet to come.
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Old 07-20-2006, 02:24 AM   #85
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Re: woot for road trips

Far away, in a treeless wood, there is a log cabin made up entirely of brick. The inhabitant of this house has a great power, a power that will no doubt greatly aid The Prefontain in her quest to return the Minor Q to it's pedestal in Queensland. However, he does not know this yet, as he has never even been born.....

***The above was a unpaid advertisement for "Cooking Secrets of Cali Park" by Randolph Vancanini. We now return you to the **** you were hoping to avoid***

Entirely unaware of The Green's impending hard ships, both teams now came to a union of meetings at 3 Ring Island. It it now called 4 Ring Island as the land lord had chosen to sub-let another ring to a foreign family trying to open a mini mart. It is at this time that both groups realized that they could have saved on gas and phone bills had they just gone in the same ship. But The Black comforted everyone in the knowledge that they were all better "people" for the indiviuality of their personal and public hardships. Except for Log that is, he was just s.o.o.l.

They made land, literally, and gathered up all their belongings. Ancient prochecies that Gusto had read on the back of a Cracker Jack box told of a mystical portal at the heart of the island that would lead them to the place where they needed to go (wherever that is). The Black said he never trusted crackers.

The Blue made a handsome quality sand castle at a point to the right of where they first set foot on the sacred island to commemorate their land fall. Cundus ran up and kicked it over. The Blue became so angry that he proceeded to rape, without permission, all the local trees. These trees have since been known as "The Trees of Contamination" and have been directly related to many statistics including condom robbery and public indecency.

After a few needless days of searching (the island was only 15 feet long) and leveling up, they knew it was time....they didn't know for what, just that it was time. Upon this revelation, Cundus decided the world was ready for his next invention: The oval. Football could now be played properly. This cut down on a lot of player injuries as the sport had been previously played with triangular shaped balls.

The Black said "It is now". The group realized the truth of this statement and could not say anything in return. The Black loved doing things like this and he let them revel for a moment at his brilliance. He then crooned "We are ready, we have maxed out our levels, we have filled our satchels with goods and our bellies with victuals. We stand as the last hope for our 'hood. We must not let our countrymen down, they depend on us, much like old men depend on Depends. We must go throught (yes throught) the portal and either begin peace talks, or just kill the **** out of what waits on the other side!!". Everyone knew that The Black meant business now becasue of his use of a double "!!".

Log was elected to go through first. He was picked because he was the least needed of the group, and if the portal didn't work as predicted, the group would actually be better off. For the most part Log agreed. They told him to step through, and if it didn't work and he was killed, he was to come right back and tell them so. Otherwise, they would just assume that he was fine and then the rest would go through. With furrowed brow and tender hips, he stepped through the portal....almost, The Red tripped him, and only his upper parts made it through! He shimmied up and, to everyone's amusement, he was now 2 parts! His head was still attached in an unattached sort of way that can best be desribed as undescribable!

The Black decided that everything was fine since Log's head hadn't exploded as he had hoped and they all began to step through just as a giant cloud appeared from no where (it is normal for things to appear from nothing in that world). They normally would have brushed it off as a weather baloon just like last time except that a door opened in the cloud, a rather ornate door at that. And out stepped a......WOMAN! The Blue had never seen one of these before and asked if it was edible. Log didn't know what edible means but said that "woman" was decidedly not good for eating.

The being spaked "I am Fuschia! Lady of the Glade, Mistress of the Mavens, Queen of the Imbalance, and I have come to rock you all night long! I have been watching since before you ended your journey 3 years ago, and I knew that you simps would not be able to rid the world of The Wet Stick without a helluva lot of help. I spent the last 3 years training and meditating on how to go beyond level 30 and achieve the level of Super Saiyan. For this is the only power that will be a match for the great evil Lord that protects the only place the Stick of Wetness can be destroyed. I have succeeded, and I can teach this great power to all of you. Except maybe The Black (she was racist)."

Most everyone had fallen asleep through this monologue and now The Fuschia was super pissed. She turned them all into Canadians for punishment. This might have been a little extreme, but that is just how she rolls.
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Old 07-20-2006, 01:16 PM   #86
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Re: woot for road trips

They gathered up their heavy items and treated The Blue for the Recticularitis he had been fighting. The Fuschia chanted and opened up a portal to speed them on their way. They walked though the portal and emerged on the southern most tip of Fiddlebraken. They had only north to go for their final destination. They entered the forest near their transport location and began their hike. The forest was alive almost with the sound of music. The leaves were sticky and clingy. The forest had many a foul smell, but nothing as bad as Log... he had eaten four bean burritos earlier, thus this was a welcome even to keep their mind off of the stench.

They proceeded though the humid forest that seemed to be losing color and fading to gray. The Black proclaimed, "When you near evil the plant life turns kind of gray no one knows why." Gusto attempted to explain why, but we know he really didnt have a clue, "Its all to do with them berrys, they absorb evil and turn it gray..." No one cared so thats when they stoped listening.

The Red stumbled upon a pine cone! "I have found a pine cone! The likes of which I have not seen in nearly 587 moons!" Pine cones are known for their magical attributes so they took this as a good sign and place the pine cone in thier magic box for safe keeping. The Fuschia proclaimed, "You are the worst group of idiots ever, most of you will die of being stupid before this mission is over." They all laughed, inside more than not.

Just then the group heard an evil call much like that of a murder of raven... but more sinister if you can believe it. As they continued on it seemed to get louder and more high pitched. It also seemed to come from many locations all around them. Log noticed a few quickly shifting shadows but said noting as he was super pissed, its his time of the month. The Red discovered a small race of tiny people living in the forest. He was astounded. "This is amazing, I could rule these people and make them my slaves!" The Black was humbled, "We can not rule creatures like this, you know better The Red." They both agreed but it really didnt matter as Log and Gusto was pissing all over the people and stomping on them. They thought it was funny, the tiny creatures did not like it. They attempted to fight back with their feeble spears and canon balls. This did little as they had no canons and could not throw their spears very hard.

The Blue decided to beat on some of them with a stick as he had always been told to do when confronting small alien races of the unknown. The little people were horrified and slaughtered. Many tried to run only to smashed by the many dangers the team was bestowing upon them. The Clan elder vowed to have his revenge on the team! "How will you do this with my **** in your mouth," said Log. Before an answer could be given The Fuschia returned from her trip to the bathroom and cast a spell to seal Logs "business" up she also beat the living crap out of everyone she could get a grip on and appologized for the near extinction of their race to the people. They tried to make amends by showing the people magic tricks, this seemed to help a little.

They made camp at the base of a huge mountian they had just traversed to rest. As they were geting relaxed and the jinga board was setup they were ambushed by dark cloaked figures holding four pronged tridents. They rushed the camp site and went for the jugulars. The team defended their location. The Fuschia created a whirling vortex of death that transported a good many of the creatures to plane zenu where they would die of starvation. The Blue yelled for backup, "Cover me you idiots I have to chant!" Log jumped in front of The Blue and knocked down at least three of them. The Blue reached into his robe and pulled out a box of Captian Crunch. He sprinkled it on the ground and within a matter of seconds the peices of fiber enriched cerial became evil plant vines and encased the group from the enemys. It also grabed onto the creatures and squeezed them feverishly. They grabed what they had to have and made a dash for the valley ahead of them.

The horde was to much for vines alone to take down and The Red could only muster three balroom dancers to slow their progress. It was a masacre. They group ran and ran. They ran until they were cornered at the edge of a waterfall. The Black grabed Log and tossed him over. He didnt die, much, so the rest of them made a leap and fell, they had no choice. They fell for what seemed like seconds before they hit the bottom.

As they flashed the creatures and yelled slang at them they noticed a horrific site. Gusto was captured by the horde. There was nothing they could do. They ravaged him and ate him alive. The team was heart broken but knew there was no time for such things. They wished it had been Log but no one admited it openly. They turned and go on their way and The Black yelled, "Look that isnt Gusto that is only a rabbit!" He was right, but this happiness was only short lived as they soon found Gusto dead on the rocks at the bottom of the falls, he had missed the water by a good 10 feet.

They took the path less traveled with really want a path at all just trees. The Blue said that this was indeed a path they had just put trees on it to keep people from taking it. They were only three days outside of the last outpost, the last city.
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Old 07-20-2006, 08:32 PM   #87
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Re: woot for road trips

The group was beginning to get a little tired. So in an effort to encourage weight savings, The Black decreed that they would have to leave all their statues behind. Cundus was particularly affected by this, for he had grown quite close to his "Dog on a Leaf" sculpture. After much shedding of tears and a little swinging of what The Red liked to call "The Big Hammer," the group continued on their way.

Twas not long before the group came afoot in a swamp of un-ending marshes and bogs. The air was thick and dense and smelled of stale Cheetos, which didn't make much sense, but anyway. This particular swamp was even worse than your average, every-day swamp due to the especially foul creatures that inhabited it. You see, not long ago, in this very swamp... L. Ron Hubbard had invented scientology. Many of his followers still remained: their bodies grotesquely deformed by the years of self inflicted torture. They were pretty crazy.

As the group waded through the marsh, with Log out in front to deflect any forking attempts, they were suddenly surrounded by a group of these heathens. There were at least sixish of them, all male. They had in years past ripped off their own male genitalia and were flailing them about the air madly in attempt to cast some sort of spell/summoning.

The Blue had seen enough however. He lept into the air and did a sweet somersault. Everyone was pretty impressed, except of course for the insane, penis wielding madmen. They attacked.

Log was quickly overcome by the swinging of their wood. He fell to the ground viciously. He was once again dead'd. But would be revived only moments later. During his death, he invented croquet and other "English ball" games.

Cundus decided he had also seen enough and began to wave his penis around too (only not above his head). The scientologists quickly took notice and offered him membership (of course, only after paying the low, low price of $454583490 for the entry fee). Cundus, however, didn't really care for collards and began to strike them one after another. The Black was too busy studying his map to really notice what was happening, but anyone who has ever actually met The Black would be quick to assure you that had he saw it, he would have been quite impressed.

"That was quite impressive!" said The Black to Cundus. "You single handedly defeated the scientologists! Now we can continue on in safety."

So The Blue and The Red interrupted their game of hop-scotch and hoisted Cundus in the air. They then threw him into a near by hole, which was dusty and a little rocky. Everyone pointed and laughed. When they realized he was unconscious though, it got even funnier. They kicked him a couple times and then poored marmalade all over his bruised body. He quickly felt much better and began referring to himself as The Orange again.

The Green called not long after this incident. He reported that he was deep in a cave and being imprisoned by Seabisuites. So... The Red laughed, screamed "April Fools!!!" and hung up.
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Old 07-22-2006, 04:26 PM   #88
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Re: woot for road trips

As the party continued toward the town of Kurast, their worst fears had begun to come true. The Blue had become lactose intolerant. The Red had lost his magic bean. Meanwhile, The Orange had begun to induce vomitting after every meal. He was down to a measely 340 pounds and looked like a friggin' stick. Because of this, Log gave him a furry hat with pointy ears and began calling him "Fergus". After this gift, Log could only walk if he was currently maintaining a full erection. Historians have studied this subject in great detail, but no one has ever determined a true cause.

The Black however remained as mad ******ish as always. He was constantly drinking 40 oz bottles of malt liquor and slapping Log around. Gusto had still not come back to life, which was really quite strange considering previous events. The group just assumed he was working on something important, perhaps a script for an episode of Sanford & Son. The side-effects were endless. The Fuschia didn't really show any side-effects other than the bleeding from her *** for 5 days straight.

As the group continued, the marsh became less marshy and more jungley. They started to see monkeys and orangatans and other jungle life. The orangatans were particularly bothersome because of their habit of flinging their feces at Fergus. Of course, everyone thought it was great, except for poor Fergus. He began to smell like shoe-polish rather quickly and constantly told stories about his grandmother and some kind of empty plate. It didn't really make much sense, but everyone still laughed because he was covered in monkey poo.

The further the group got into the forest, the trees seemed to grow more tall and dense. Even during broad daylight, the forest floor was as dark as noon. It was in this darkness that their worst fears (even worst than their previous worst fears) came to fruition. Snakes. That's right, I wrote it: Snakes. With EARS.

The snakes were large, slipperish, and had huge friggin' ears. I'm talkin' human ears on friggin' snakes. One of them even looked exactly like Dick Cheney. Well... that's if Dick Cheney was just a head with a long serpentine body. It even wore glasses, and bifocals at that.

The snakes were incessant. They didn't try to bite... they weren't that kind of snake. No... these were much worse. They sold "discount" cell phones and computer equipment. Day and night, non-stop. "Nokia 756-R! Only $120! Compaq Laptop with 2.0 GHz P4! Only $750!!!"

What was worse is that each member had put themselves on the national "Do Not Call" list. Unfortunately, this did not apply to traveling, snake salesmen in the jungle.

After days of this torture, The Red finally came up with a plan. He had noticed that the serpentine salesmen never seemed to approach The Black. He asked The Black to give them all a 40 and some bling. Everyone let their belts loose so that their pantaloons hung down to their knees. They drunk the malt liquor and tried to dance little jigs. The snakes were shocked. AND pissed. So they left and did a special for VH1. The group never saw them again.

With the snakes gone, the group began to rapidly approach the town of Kurast. However, before they could enter... they must devise a plan. So the party set up camp about a mile outside the gates and ate some hot dogs with some chili and chips and beer and even had little party favors, like balloons and kazoos. After all, they couldn't just bust up in there without a plan of action. Everyone realized how important this was. Fergus even made a pact with the spirit of an ancient Druid to increase his ability to digest certain plant life. Overall, it was a pretty good bargain. As part of the deal, he got to be the one to give a name to a particular species of nut. He called it the "almond". To this day, we still use that gay-*** word.
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Old 07-22-2006, 05:04 PM   #89
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Re: woot for road trips

After having a few winks, whatever the heck that crap means, they entered Kurast. The town was so named because it's cheif export is petroleum jelly. If you knew previously what their export was, the name would of course have been obvious.

The gate was guarded dilligently by 4 and a half guards (statistically). They managed to bribe them rather quickly with balloon animals and left over kazoos. One of the guards proclaimed that he had never seen a Kazoo used the way it had been used by Furgus and complained somewhat of the strange smell it had emanating from it. That one half of a guard though wouldn't be bribed so easily. Because The Fuschia doesn't mess around, she threatened to give Log the guard's address so that the 2 could become pen pals. The guard didn't even know Log and ran away in sheer terror leaving behind several different forms of excrememt.

Log started to ravage the town, but was snafued by a little old ladie's watch Bunny. This was one frickin' fierce Bunny! He even had a bad *** looking GameBoy that he used to challenge The Blue to Duke Nuke 'Em with. The Blue, of course lost because he doesn't have eye brows. He even has negative eyebrows for that matter.

Later, The Red complained of being parched so they went to a tea shop. They all ordered the weak stuff because they were all ******* that don't have any chest hair. Well, except Log he had too much chest hair so he still didn't get anything stronger than water that had been heated up a little. Fergus said "Dude! My tea tastes like weed!". they all started fighting over Fergus' tea and Log went to a try out for Most Extreme Celebrity Toga Dancing.

Fergus admitted that he had actually pissed a little in his tea and that is why his tasted like weed...

Meanwhile The Fuschia was in a state of extreme meditation. She had had a vision of something terrible that was about to happen. Something....horrible....a vision of death by mastication and she new it was almost time for The Red to reach puberty.

Before leaving town, they decided they had better seek guidance from the best person available at the little podunk: a palm reading Minanite. The palm reader read the Black's palm and said that he would eventually die of OD'ing on Iron supplements, or spontaneous human combustion. She tried to read Log's palm but could not because of his sweaty palms disorder. She next read the Blue's palm. She said that he would die a virgin. Feeling sorry for him, she cast a spell on him! The spell of multiplication of -1! Since he had -1 eyebrows before, he now has eyebrows. But he also now has -2 balls. The entire group realized at once why The Blue would die a virgin now and everyone laughed heartly at the irony of the situation.

After posing for Girls Gone Wild: Bad Teacher Fantasies of Kurast, they right town*.

*Denotes the use of "right" for the word that we know today as "left". In the 12th Clitury BC (BeCause) right and left were reversed.
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Old 07-22-2006, 05:05 PM   #90
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Re: woot for road trips

They packed their bags and rounded up the chickens. They exited the town in the wrong direction and had to turn back after a week. They were super pissed but it was kind of funny. The Blue knew this all along but said nothing. The Fuschia yelled a good bit, as females tend to do, and they headed back the other way. They finally made it back to the gates of Kurast where The Red gave the same spill about eating his feces and the group fell for it yet again. It was funny. Log knew better but didnt wast to pass up a taste.

They obtained donkeys yet again and hoped they would not have the same out come as the last donkeys they rented. They headed out and down a small pass that was cut deep into the the valley that two mountians formed. The pass was only 5 feed wide at most narrowing to only 3 feet at given locations. The top of the valley was at least 500 feet so and was prone to rocks falling. The didnt speak much as they knew was lay ahead. The pass of Domsdon was an evil trecherous one.
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Old 07-22-2006, 10:59 PM   #91
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Re: woot for road trips

Before they entered the Pass of Domsdon, the group decided to put their weight on it. They bought the latest edition of Kidz Bop and kicked it with all their homies. Of course, they poured out a couple of fifths for their homies down the river (which at this time still included Gusto). They drank a lot of liquor and scored with a lot of totally hot honeys. They even took pictures of one of them laying in The Black's lap and posted them on teh Internet. Some people were slightly disappointed with the results, but they were probably retarded and didn't even know.

As the sun set, another rose. It was quite beautiful and made everyone question their mortality and stuff. A peaceful moment was had by all. Except of course, for The Green... who was still currently in a world of pain and even more stuff, which most people could not even comprehend, even on the anniversaries of their birth.
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Old 08-16-2006, 06:13 PM   #92
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Re: woot for road trips

A great deal of time had passed. During this time, time had stopped. So, really... it never really passed. There was foul play afoot and the air smelled fishy (tuna fishy even). The Red closed his legs and the smell went away.

It was during this time (if you even want to call it that) that Gusto made his triumphant return. He came from the skies. On the Seventh Dawn of the Fourteenth Day of the Year of the Magi (The Year of the Arcanian Magi, not to be confused with The Year of the Asparagi), Gusto came down from the heavens, riding on a winged (pronounced win-gud) horse. The horsed was covered in gold trinkets and such, maybe even a little blown glass around the collar. He let out a neigh and stuff.

Everyone thougt Gusto was super cool now, well excpet for The Blue. You see, Gusto now had seven, that's right, seven. Count 'em. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Whoa too far, back one. Seven ****in' eyebrows. The Blue lost his composure, but the group would later find it at the bottom of a lake.

With all things being said, and some of them even being done, the group entered the Pass of Domsdon, which since our last visit, had been conveniently renamed to the Pass of Drysdale. It was even scarier than previously, due to the "rys" sound in the name.

The first beast the group encountered upon entering the Pass was an ogre. He had large arms. His face looked kinda like Freddy Mercury. They defeated him easily with some fishing line and a little peanut butter. Of course, the ingenuity and cunning in battle didn't hurt. After the battle, they forgot what they were doing and decided to drink some apple cider. Unfortunately, they weren't sure where it came from, and it began to seem very questionable. It's warmth was particularly disheartening. No one cared though, because they were all sporting white t-shirts.
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Old 08-21-2006, 08:21 PM   #93
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They had been wandering for what seemed like ten days, they really couldn't tell as the sun didn't set around evil normally. They tried to throw rocks, as was another accurate method. This was worthless. They wandered upon the pass of Kroger, a thron ridden pass. They began to bleed from the thrones ripping into their flesh deep and painfully. The Blue looked ahead with his look' ahead glasses. "Look a book on a pedistal!" The Black thought about the evil short elf mages that took over mutant frogs and made them do their dirty work during this great war, as their skeletal remains were still ridden abound greatly.

The Red leaps ahead rather gayish to inspect the book for booby traps, he got super pissed almost ninja like when he found none so he punched he **** out of Gusto to make up for it. The Black grabbed the book and turned to page 4538 as is standard book turning practice as outlined in "Standard Magic Book Opening Practices vol 5" listed on pages H43 section 3, page 10. They felt they had enough of this Frugal land, yes the land of the Frugals.... ansestors to the Fragils we all know and love, the were once evil sadistic killers who drank blood, who would have known.

He began to read about a journey identical to theirs in all aspects accept one word was misspelled with the letter "T" in place of an "R" This is why to this day the saying fit to a "T" has such meaning. They were all quiet, very quiet. They pressed onward as The Black digested the book he has picked up, he actually ate it. This is how The Black's get their information.

Up ahead The Orange had a strange feeling, much like the A-Team gets. He tried to ward The Blue but he was far to cocky to even care to listen as he was jamming to hid gay *** IPOD. They finally reached the edge of this old battle ground from thousands of years ago. As they started to go down the steep mountain they felt eyes watching them.... even Gusto couldn't take a **** as he has a shy bladder.
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Old 08-21-2006, 08:44 PM   #94
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Re: woot for road trips

The ancient battle ground was covered in dried up blood and haunted by the thousands of spirits who had died there. They threw chocolate covered raisins and peanuts at the group from across the dimensional boundaries that kept them from throwing anything more effective. Alas, for their poor souls, a chocolate covered peanut was just about as much as they could throw. Because of this, they wailed and screamed and generally just *****ed, pissed and moaned. This got on The Black's nerves pretty quickly so he called the Ghostbusters. Only Dan Akroyd showed up, but he still had them ****ers outta there in no time.

With the ghosts gone, Gusto could finally relieve himself. The result was impressive. As far as the East Indies, the smell could be smelt. He even got into the Guiness World Record book for the World's Largest Caterpillar (he found it while on the throne, it was pretty sweet).

Unfortunately, things didn't go this well for too much longer. You see, they were in a place of great evil. And great evil for some reason has a way of screwing things up, especially when you are legendary and powerful adventurers on a journey to save the world from a great and mystical evil (i.e a Wet Stick). Sad times were soom to come...
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Old 08-21-2006, 11:32 PM   #95
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Re: woot for road trips

And sad times did indeed come. By the empty garbage bag fulls.

The Red had a feeling that one gets when one feels as though something "feelful" should be felt...ish. He told the others of this feeling, and they all laughed. Except for The Blue, he was playing at Etcha-Sketch.

Cundus almost invented gravity, but upon testing, he realized that God had beaten him to it. "Damn omniscience! How can I compete with that?" he said with a great quivering slopyness. He was trying to learn ebonics.
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Old 08-22-2006, 01:18 PM   #96
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The Blue had a dream that night about ball bearings, he invented them later on due to this dream. They would be used many places, even featured in movies. They awoke and decided they would soon be fighting things left and right so they would do calisthenics.

They made sandwiches, and by sandwiches I mean peices of old wood. Gusto made everyone laugh by showing them a festering green pus bag he had on him. The Black read some of the magic book they found a few days back.

"The wood would come to life with the sound of music. They would dance by the fire and hold orchard ceremonies to subdue the evil bone dragons that were part krager that they worshiped. Many felt metal was an evil so they buried it. They especially buried gold.... Large griffins sweep the land picking up lamas and other goat like creatures to take back to their layers and eat....Fig's were picked like berries and distributed to the masses, they ate them and then ran off cliffs it was a timely tradition that didn't last long as they all died."

The group knew that this information would be priceless if they wanted to stay alive. There was many things that would soon come to pass many of which wont even happen. The Green bent over with pain and anger the spice had gotten to him, never go to late night drive in's.

The Blue spoke few wise words to comfort the group, "The tenth day was a trivial time in the lands of Hasmunda. They knew back then things we know more of now. They tried as they might but could only do basic magic. They would soon learn a great truth about their indulgences. I killed them all because I didn't want any more magical beings than there already were around. I would kill any of you as well if I could get by with it. I have been saving a bag of special treats for us all, let us partake in them to ease our minds of the stress and perhaps join in a friendly game of jingoism / cersnaps."

They traveled only 10 miles this day but the air is so thick they would have to wipe away the sludge after only a few breaths. The Red decided to carry a bag he made of rope and a sheep stomach. He called it a "purse" the group called him names as it didn't look mannish to carry such a thing. He didn't care due to there were no ladies to impress in the group accept for that one that has not done anything in quite some time. It also made feel more important and proper.

As the day closed they all felt ever weaker, they had been wading though marshes for what seemed like forever. They had to sleep on lily pads to keep out of the water. During the night a cave troll, odd due to there are no caves here that they know of, came out of a cave and ran though their camp grabbing The Blue and The Orange before they knew what had happened. He then left like a puma and grabed a vine with his third arm and swung off into the distance, everyone wanted to go after their missing friends but they wanted to sleep in even more. They decided to sleep and just poored out a bit of Gin for their missing hommies.

The Blue was still a bit messed up as he was just now managing to grasp the severity of the situation that had fallen them. The Orange just thought it was super cool. From what The Blue could tell the cave troll was heading toward the crest of a mountain, which is odd for cave trolls to do. He insinuated that the troll, whos name is Bobby, was enchanted by an evil spell to do this evil task. The Orange finally came to grips with reality and soiled himself. The troll, Bobby, took it as a sign of gratitude.

The Blue would soon make a move to break the curse if possible. He might make situations worse or better, only time will tell.
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Old 08-22-2006, 03:15 PM   #97
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Re: woot for road trips

Just after The Blue and The Orange were taken Gusto decided they were probably dead and stole all of The Blue's material posessions for his own. Gusto was shocked to find a pair of old eye brows that obviously were The Blue's origional eye brows. He did'nt know what to think.

As the group tried to sleep that night they kept feeling like many people, but not enough, were watching them and perhaps reading about their journey. The Red said aloud, "I best step it up. Those whom ever they are will wind up making me sound like a fruit loop who paints easter eggs or something. Anything in text is liable."
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Old 08-22-2006, 08:33 PM   #98
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Re: woot for road trips

During the night, two mysterious figures slipped into the camp, covered by the veil of darkness. 'Twas a moonless night, and the sky showed nary a moon. These beings seemed to blend with the landscape just like the shadows. You could even go as far as to say that they were very "shadowy", which due to modern laziness is now known as "shady". That "ow" is particular hard to type. Especially For People Who Capitalize Every Single Pillow-Biting, Hershey's Stained Word.

With them they carried huge neon signs bearing their names. One read "The Blue", while the other simply said "Cundus" (yes, he was up to that **** again). The glow from the signs lit up the camp even more than the full moon which hung overhead. The two creatures of the night slowly made their way to the groups supplies. They began opening all the Beanie Weenies and totally ravaging them without thought, or care, or compassion, or any other qualities that separate humans from animals.

After the feast, the two remembered their true goal: to recover the eyebrows. They made their way toward Gusto's sleeping bag, which they had been watching under the moonlight for some time now (a good 15 minutes at least). Unfortunately for the two, they didn't realize The Green had magically (pronounced magickally in those ancient days) returned from his enslavement deep below the earth. They both tripped over his prone figure and stumbled face-first into a half-empty (and now cold) mug of marshalade. The noise was half-heartedly loud. The Black immediately sprung from his slumber and began a game of Charades. The Red won the game by 16 points.

After the game was over, the group began to question why Cundus and The Blue had been sneaking around so stealthily. After all, they had been worried that the two had been taken by the cave troll and demoralized/forced to watch the Bernstein Bear cartoons and even read a couple of the books.

The Blue explained dolefully. "Listen, I didn't want to tell you guys this because I have AIDS and cancer. But... well... my eyebrows aren't just any old eyebrows..."

"What do you mean?" questioned The Red, obviously intrigued by the cancerish aspects of the conversation. He was an avid cancerologist on the weekends. He even tried to catch it one time by flying his kite too high.

"What he means is this..." said Cundus, who was obviously in on the whole thing OMG. "Those eyebrows are the only thing that can harness the power of the Wet Stick."

"No..." said The Black. "You mean it's true? The great prophecy isn't just lies?"

"No, it's all true," said The Blue. "I removed my eyebrows my self to keep them safe. They must be hidden and kept safe at all times. That's why I kept them in a small baggy in a hidden pocket in my old ****-and-*** (censored for the kids)-boxers. I can't believe you found them Gusto... you sick, sick bastard."

"Hey, what can I say? I likes me some *** (Once again kids, please don't ask what this means. You don't want to know.)," replied Gusto with an awkward smile on his face that implied he would one day run for President of Azerbaijan.

"Well... this certainly changes things..." said The Black. So he decided to read another passage from the magical book they had previously found.

"And there will come a time in which the *** will reveal a secret. Under the starry sky moonless sky, mystical creatures shall dance in the moonlight and revere in it's glory. And in this moment, they shall understand that which is not meant to be understood. They will harness the power and glory that only the pixies once knew of. Oh, the pixies. The magnificent, wonderful pixies. Leaders of men and participants in Playboy. The forrests shall echo with their voices and the earth shall tremble under their might. What was said shall come to be, and what was thought of shall turn left."

After the passage was read, everyone was kinda bored so they watched the last few hundred laps of the Daytona 500. No one really knew why, but it kinda makes sense when you think about it.
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Old 08-24-2006, 11:15 AM   #99
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Re: woot for road trips

They decided they had best beef for added security after the previous night's activities. They swaggered into a local tegertandom and searched for what would be useful. The Green noticed a sale on Imaginary Friends and decided to capitalize on it. The entire group picked up Imaginary Friends, some of course better than others... beggers cant be choosers.

After this wise purchase that only cost the group 4,277,71 Groupluks they nearly had a possy! They will now consider themselves a possy regardless of their slight lack of being authentically a possy. To read more about possy's refer to "The Big Possy Book" perferably chapters 4 though 5 (Putting your weight on it with added possy's and Over-extending your possy.) This book can be found in The Delgart Magic Library Institute for Higher Learning CCL.

Now that they felt more secure they increased their Boldgarity (boldness) towards their traveling nature. This may very well be a big mistake on their part as Imaginary Friends are rather hard to see, much less anything else. Nearby a group of Degado Tusks were roving and overheard their one sided odd conversations the group was partaking with their imaginary friends. The murder (name for a group of Degado Tusks) arranged an ambush!
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Re: woot for road trips

As the sun began to set that day, the possy held a Tetris tournament. People came from miles around to watch. Before the final round there was a parade through the nearby canyon. Charlie Murphy was the grand marshall, so there was a lot of racial jokes and everyone generally had a good time. Unfortunately, just as Cundus had The Black on the ropes in the final round, the Degado Tusks made their move.

They ripped their way through the crowd, implaing people with their tusks and just generally raising some hell. 2,074 people died that day at the hands/nads of the Degados. It was horrible. The canyon ran blue with the blood of the dead.

After all of the non-mystical creatures had been slain (Except for Charlie Murphy of course. The Degados were big fans of his brother's work in "Beverly Hills Cop"), the Tuskices surrounded the possy. You could smell the fear in the air. However, at this point in time something very magical happened. The possy's imaginary types began to merge into a single being, very reminiscent of the Power Rangers/Captain Planet.

With their powers combined, they formed a Supreme Being: They were now known as James Denton. James Denton quickly squashed the entire murder of Degados with a single flick of his left eardrum. After that, he gathered up the souls of all who died and carried them onward to Zion. The Red couldn't help but chuckle a little, except for all the crying he did or something.

After this the group was a little downtrodden. They knew that someone out there must be watching them and sent the Tuskices to kill them. Not only that, but they now no longer had enough members to refer to themselves as a possy. This pissed The Blue off terribly (he was quite find of possies), so he recruited some ants and a rather large grasshopper. According to Wikipedia, this meant that they could refer to themselves as a possy once again, however, they could not receive the usual possy tax credits. It seemed fair enough, so they wrote it in their blood and moved on.
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Old 08-28-2006, 04:31 PM   #101
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They moved though the nearby canyons and over a few trecherous pointy rocks to a path that lay some what hidden behind two bushes. They had purchased this information from a shady dealer and hoped it was accurate. By shady I mean dead and by dealer I mean dead corpse with this sort of information on it. The Blue took the lead as he had a walking stick that is supposed to tell him of dangerous areas along any paths they travel.

Little did The Blue know that The Red pawned the real magic stick for some Jelly Bean type candy and The Blue was really holding an old peice of cow dung shaped into a stick like shape. Every time The Blue would lick his magic stick the group would cringe or turn green in the face, perhaps throw up a tiny bit. He could not figure out why. "It is standard path walking practice to lick your walking stick so you can correctly track the wind movments," said The Blue.

The Green became side tracked as he was super bored. He wandered off the path a bit to hunt for berries or alcoholic beverages to consume. The Black kept the group content by telling stories of odd adventures he had been a part of long before even tad poles knew what they were. "One time a long time ago I was mascarading as a Gwark Salesman in a small area of the globe called Twindle-De Twart... I remember when I traveled to one of our seven Moon's it was fantastic.... If you take a rock and mash it into dust then eat it you could die..." No one really believed him or cared. They eventually punched him in the stomach / throat, this is common practice when someone wont shut up.

Just then The Green, who had scouted ahead of the group by a good 300 yards let out a yell, "Hey I see some Ogres or perhaps big ugly rocks, not sure." The team was rather scared as they had heard about the reputations of Ogres, and what made it even worse was they didnt hear the word "rocks" clearly from The Green due to his massive distance. They instead heard him say "Deadly sword wielding *****es with magic horse demons that spit acid." They didnt care for this much at all.

They ran off down the side of a nearby mountian leaving The Green to defend for himself. They wanted to escape sure death and go around the cavern if at all possible. About half way down the shortcut they were attempting to take The Red ran smack dab into a mountian goblin and three goats. He triped over one of the goats and knocked himself out on a rather large rock. The Blue quickly swated the goblin square across the nose with his magic walking stick, this broke the stick in twain and released an awful fecal smell, the goblin tried to eat it.

The Black pushed the goblin off the mountian with only a half mouth full of "food" he tumbled for what seemed like forever until finally disappearing down the raveen. They let out a sigh of relief and laughed at The Red as they dusted off their cloaks. The Red has a rather large gash on his head, but nothing a little "magic" couldnt cure, by magic I mean illegal drugs.

Just then they heard a large rumbling comming from the ground, The Black placed his head on a rock and became very pale with fear. Just then The Green finally caught up and said "Why did you run, it turned out to just be a cat" The Black interrupted with, "Dear Lord an army is comming for us! No more than had he said the final word did they see an army of goblins crest over the hill the poor fellow only seconds ago tumbled down. They wailed spears that wized past their heads. They all ran for it, The Black of course taking the lead as his cloak was longer than the others. Poor Gusto was still hurt and could not run so he was over taken very quickly. The Blue wanted to stop and fight to save him but decided that would probably get him killed so he let be what was. The Green cast a spell of increased mobility on the team and that seemed to help a little. The front line goblins were riding pigs from the looks of it so they were rather spunky. A few arrows managed to hit Cundus in the rear area it hurt bad as you can imagine. The good part of this is that goblins are very stupid, thus many forgot to sharpen their arrows or even shoot arrows at all.

The team came very quickly to a cliff leading down to a huge waterfall. They had to jump they had no choice. They all made the leap hoping they wouldnt perish. As The Blue took the initial leap from the ledge to ensure he would clear the many sinister looking rocks he triped and bounced off many. The Wet Stick made its way out of its hiding place and snarled at The Blue as. He tried to grasp it only to be slamed brown eye'ed down into a rock knocked unconcious. The rest of the team saw this unfortunate accident and lept forth to try and grab the evil stick. They obviously didnt understand the basic laws of physics as they couldnt fall faster than the stick was already falling, plus evil falls faster. Evil has more gravity due to it being evil. You can read more about Evil and its gravity in "Evil is Heavy" by Ratchet Longhorn.

The Wet Stick disappeared in the mist of the fall and shortly after did the rest of the team. Many a Goblin tried to jump off after them but they were to stupid so they only ran into trees or forgot how to breath. Just before the group was taken over by the massive waves created by the waterfall The Green got a chant off, right before they disappeared a spell was cast. It might not have been enough to save them, only time will tell what the spell was and if it worked.
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Old 08-30-2006, 08:30 PM   #102
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Re: woot for road trips

As they finished off their burritos, they were definitely thankful for The Green's quick thinking. Sure, they were still about to drown, but at least they had some tasty burritos first. Finally... they went over the edge.

They fell for at least 2.839 meters before crashing into the pool below. Having just eaten burrtios, being in the water would surely kill them. If only they had eaten them 30 minutes earlier. Just as the invictitus set in (sort of like itis, only much more deadly), something peculiar happened. The water turned to beer. They all began to drank heavily... it was their only hope to survive. They drank and drank and drank like water bisons until the pool was eventually shallow enough for them to stand in without getting their ankles too wet.

It looked like everything would be ok... until they realized. The Wet Stick was gone. Suddenly they heard a very evil sound, more evilerest than the depths of hell themselves. There before them stood a strange man, cloacked in a plum color cape-like thingy. He was wearing a beanie too. He was quite intimidating, possibly even a little gay (as denoted by his women's shoes). He laughed an evil laugh and began to speak.

"You silly, silly fools... The Wet Stick is now mine!!! And now you are all way too drunk to chase me down!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

This evil laugh sounded oddly familiar and the possy began to realize that his words were true. They all tried to stumble toward him, but they were incredibly drunk. They bumped into each other and eventually began spraying one another with bottles of silly string. The evil being's plan had worked.

The plum-cloaked bastard hopped on his electric scooter and took off, Wet Stick in tow. As he headed off into the dark forest nearby, The Red fashioned a noose out of some of the silly string and attempted to hang himself from a tree. Luckily all he did was fall straight to the ground. Everyone laughed horrendously, despite their grave situation.
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Old 08-30-2006, 09:07 PM   #103
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Re: woot for road trips

this thread's still going? :shrugs:
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Old 09-14-2006, 03:45 PM   #104
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Re: woot for road trips

Nearly 4 hours passed before they were sober enough to continue on in their journey. They vashioned a raft and let the current of the now returning non-beer river guide them. They followed the tracks of the scooter to the best of their abilities. Sadly only an hour into the boat ride The Green's imaginary friend fell overboard and was eaten alive by paranas. The Blue tried to save him if you consider pushing him back into the water three times attempts at saving.

The Black began to feel uneasy like they were being followed and watched. They laughed at him due to he always felt like this. The Blue began to sing some goofy song he said was really old and obviously not popular as it sucked. Just then some sort of creature swung right in front of them all the way across the river on some sort of tree vine. It was rather scary. The Red quickly threw a rock that he somehow managed to find on an all wood boat and hit the poor creature in the head. It feel and everyone laughed.

They didnt laugh for long as its mother, a 18,580 lb 80ft tall fully grown swinging tree creature burst out of the woods and knocked the **** out of the boat. The group went flying for nearly 10 miles up stream and slightly to the right. The Blue quickly fashioned a set of wings for everyone accept Gusto as he owed him money.

They glided toward the base of the close by Allegro Mountians. They landed in a super dense fog and were somewhat separated by the rocky conditions of the mountianous region they landed at.
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Old 10-19-2006, 08:48 PM   #105
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Re: woot for road trips

After reaching the Allegro Mountains (or Mountians as it was spelled, ever so cleverly, back in those good ol' days of yore), the group decided to have a contest. The rules were simple: whoever could go the longest without masterbating wins. This also meant they could not have sexual contact with any other being either, but none of 'em really got any before anyway. This, of course, is not including Gusto's afair with the old lady down at the pharmacy.

Unfortunately, this put great emotional strain on them all... so they decided it best to put their journey on a temporary hold. Sure, getting back the Wet Stick before "Plum-Beanie Guy" (they had yet to learn his real name was Johnny Escroe) destroyed the world was a very important task.

However, everyone knows what makes a real hero. The one thing that truly separates your everyday average Joe, from the men and women of legend and lore. The one "ability" that can make or break a person. The one skill that could one day save humanity from the depths of despair and lead to a new day where all can live in peace as one.

Yes... the ability to resist the urge to masterbate.

It was this skill that the group put to a test for over a month. Needless to say, the posse (Could they still be called that? Historians aruge this terminology to this very day.) did not play fair. They took one another out to titty bars. They put copies of Reader's Digest in one another's sleeping bags. The Red even went as far as to bring a shaved goat into camp in an attempt to break The Black's will. It worked beautifully.

One by one, the group bowed to temptation and pulled one off. This continued until eventually there were only two warriors left: The Blue and Gusto. These two were already at each other's throat over the "The Blue killed Gusto's Grandma" thing. This only made it worse.

For days, the two were constantly mocking one another. The Blue said Gusto couldn't masterbate because he couldn't find his dick. Gusto replied by saying that The Blue couldn't masterbate because he had no eyebrows. Although The Blue tried to play it off, The Black could tell that this comment really hurt him. Finally, The Black had enough and decided to bring the foolishness to an end.

That night, he made arrangements for a special visitor. Knowing of the love the two shared for watching lesbian sex, The Black called up an old friend.

That night everyone in camp was awoken to the sounds of moaning and just general outright humping/slurping/blowing on titty balls. As they stumbled out of their tents, they were treated to quite a site.

There in the middle of camp were two of the ugliest lesbians they had ever seen. They were having sex on the hood of a Jeep. They quickly recognized the fat one to be Rosie O'Donnell. The other one they really couldn't make out too well... all they could see was a pretty much flattened cowboy hat.

Immediately, Gusto and The Blue both gave in, pretty much simultaneously.

The animals and flowers and such rejoiced, even though it was so late at night. After some arguments, the contest was judged a draw. Unfortunately, the Russian judge had to be slain before the decision could be reached. But hey, that's the price you pay to see a good No Masterbation contest.

With the battle finally over, everyone could finally sleep peacefully. They planned to awake at dawn the next day to play a game of Yahtzee (and possibly celebrate with a circle jerk) and then head off once again in search of the Wet Stick.
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