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Old 06-12-2006, 02:17 PM   #1
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To: All former Floridians, current Floridians, future Floridians, and/or


We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some
radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological
points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our experiences, we recommend you follow this simple three-step
hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

So we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as
long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built , and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they
got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will
charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of
your house. And, at any moment, this company can drop you like used
dental floss.


SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,
all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages.

(1) Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they will fall off.

(2) Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once
you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

(3) Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to
use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.


HURRICANE PROOFING Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution,
throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming
pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane
winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
low-lying area, look at your driver's license -- if it says "Florida",
you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation
route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits.
Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles
from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as
a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. But don't buy them now! Florida tradition requires that
you wait until the last possible minute, and only then do you go to the
supermarket so you can join in vicious fights with strangers over who
gets the last can of Spam.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

(1) 23 flashlights.

(2) At least $167 worth of batteries (which will turn out, when the
power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights).

(3) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows
what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)

(4) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

(5) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless
in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

(6) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)

(7) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation
by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers standing right next to the ocean who will tell you, over an d
over, how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the
ocean.

Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise!

Those of you who aren't here yet -- you should come. Really!


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Old 06-12-2006, 02:44 PM   #2
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Re: To: All former Floridians, current Floridians, future Floridians, and/or

yeah... I remember having to go through that every year.. fighting for that last can of spam is actually kinda fun. I need to get aholt of all my folks in Gainesville, and make sure they're doin alright...
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Old 06-12-2006, 02:53 PM   #3
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Re: To: All former Floridians, current Floridians, future Floridians, and/or

old people cant leave very fast and 99% of the population of florida is old people the other .78 percent is teenagers on break from school, the final left overs are people who live with old people but are unable to leave florida for what ever reason (age, money, etc)
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Old 06-12-2006, 03:02 PM   #4
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Re: To: All former Floridians, current Floridians, future Floridians, and/or

Damn that was cold
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Old 06-12-2006, 03:04 PM   #5
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Re: To: All former Floridians, current Floridians, future Floridians, and/or

that was a little cold, I have updated my previous reply see if that makes it better.
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Old 06-12-2006, 03:11 PM   #6
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Re: To: All former Floridians, current Floridians, future Floridians, and/or

Much Better :thumbs2:
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