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Old 09-08-2006, 07:40 AM   #1
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George Carlin's new Rules for 2007



New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's
a reason you don't talk to people for 10 years.
Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football
team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than
a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these
kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of
your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the
top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
*** hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *** hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing
that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab.Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't
want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I
didn't really care in the first place.

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Old 09-08-2006, 07:49 AM   #2
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Re: George Carlin's new Rules for 2007

that was freakin awesome
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Old 09-08-2006, 08:42 AM   #3
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Re: George Carlin's new Rules for 2007

hahaha good stuff!
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Old 09-08-2006, 08:43 AM   #4
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Re: George Carlin's new Rules for 2007

There were a couple of those that had me lolling at work.
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Old 09-08-2006, 08:44 AM   #5
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Re: George Carlin's new Rules for 2007

george carlin is awesome
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Old 09-08-2006, 08:47 AM   #6
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Re: George Carlin's new Rules for 2007

lol
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Old 09-08-2006, 07:17 PM   #7
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Re: George Carlin's new Rules for 2007

haha nice
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Old 09-08-2006, 07:34 PM   #8
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Re: George Carlin's new Rules for 2007

Damn Right!
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Old 09-08-2006, 08:40 PM   #9
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Re: George Carlin's new Rules for 2007

Quote:
Originally Posted by Herbstang View Post
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't
want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
This one is so true that it's not even funny. I went to a strip club in Dallas a couple weeks back and they had a freakin' bathroom attendant. I dunno about you guys... but where I'm from, you don't exactly expect to see a bathroom attendant in a ****in' strip club. :dunno:
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Old 09-08-2006, 08:45 PM   #10
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Re: George Carlin's new Rules for 2007

Quote:
Originally Posted by bbunt302 View Post
This one is so true that it's not even funny. I went to a strip club in Dallas a couple weeks back and they had a freakin' bathroom attendant. I dunno about you guys... but where I'm from, you don't exactly expect to see a bathroom attendant in a ****in' strip club. :dunno:
Musta been one a dem fancy high class strip joints.
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Old 09-08-2006, 09:04 PM   #11
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Re: George Carlin's new Rules for 2007

Quote:
Originally Posted by bbunt302 View Post
I dunno about you guys... but where I'm from, you don't exactly expect to see a bathroom attendant in a ****in' strip club. :dunno:
It was a gay cowboy
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Old 09-08-2006, 09:09 PM   #12
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Re: George Carlin's new Rules for 2007

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Old 09-09-2006, 07:45 AM   #13
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Re: George Carlin's new Rules for 2007

where did you get that thread?

It dosent sound like carlin... well a few of them do, but it sounds like something on myspace that someone made and people added to it.

If carlin did it, there would be MUCH more profanity and sarcasm.
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