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Old 02-21-2007, 08:51 AM   #1
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Joke Posting Thread

I dont know if we have one of these. It self explanitory..

A rude New Yorker and his girlfriend were driving across the desert
when they had a flat tire on the car.

Getting out, the boyfriend was about to start changing it
when he spotted a cowboy sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke.

He told his girlfriend that he would make the cowboy change the tire and
for her just to wait there.

"Hey, parrrrtner," he mocked,
"Hows about you get down off of that horse and come over here and change this tire."

The cowboy continued to roll the smoke and ignored him.

"Hey, ****head,I told you to get over here and change this tire
or I'm going to kick your ***."

The cowboy looked at him and then said,
"I'll tell you what, fella. I'm going to finish my smoke.
Then I'm going to get down off my horse,
kick your *** and make you change that tire.
Then while I screw your girlfriend
I'm gonna make you hold my balls up out of the hot sand."

Later, as they were driving on across the desert, the girlfriend says,
"That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn't he, baby?"

"Naw, he wasn't so tough," said the guy.
"Did you see him flinch everytime I dropped his balls in the sand?"
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Old 02-21-2007, 02:53 PM   #2
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
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Old 02-21-2007, 02:54 PM   #3
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
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Old 02-21-2007, 02:55 PM   #4
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'
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Old 02-21-2007, 04:03 PM   #5
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving.. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom
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Old 02-21-2007, 04:05 PM   #6
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking,
but they only had $2.00 between them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and
spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."


They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered
two double shots of Jack Daniels.

Bob said, "Now you've lost it!
Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile," Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get

on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth bar, Bob said,
"Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore.

My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel?

I lost the sausage at the third bar!"
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Old 02-21-2007, 04:06 PM   #7
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else---a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
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Old 02-21-2007, 04:22 PM   #8
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

/\ Can't remember where I read that one before.
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Old 02-22-2007, 12:52 PM   #9
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!
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Old 02-22-2007, 12:58 PM   #10
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Old 02-22-2007, 01:01 PM   #11
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
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Old 02-22-2007, 01:06 PM   #12
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ?Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
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Old 02-22-2007, 01:29 PM   #13
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

rofl.. justin u got some damn good jokes.
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Old 02-22-2007, 05:03 PM   #14
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Justin View Post
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ?Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
For everything else there's mastercard. It's funny, but the commercial spoof is HILARIOUS.
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Old 02-22-2007, 05:08 PM   #15
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

I hope Mark doesn't see this thread....

Damn, I bet he'll see it now.

HEY MARK!!! FOR EVERYTHING ELSE THERE'S MASTERCARD!!!

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Old 02-22-2007, 05:13 PM   #16
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by bbunt302 View Post
I hope Mark doesn't see this thread....

Damn, I bet he'll see it now.

HEY MARK!!! FOR EVERYTHING ELSE THERE'S MASTERCARD!!!

I thought the exact same thing
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Old 02-22-2007, 05:19 PM   #17
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by bbunt302 View Post
I hope Mark doesn't see this thread....

Damn, I bet he'll see it now.

HEY MARK!!! FOR EVERYTHING ELSE THERE'S MASTERCARD!!!

bout to bump up that thread on just mastercard references in it haha
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Old 02-22-2007, 08:33 PM   #18
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Mark Mangino was just getting back from a recruiting trip and got lost in Kansas City. He pulled over to a convenience store to ask for some directions... pulled up to the nearest quick shop and asked the attendant "How would I get to 435"? The attendant kind of looked at him for a second and replied with "I'd start with diet and exercise"

If you dont know who mangino is, he's KU's football coach and he's freakin huge.
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Old 02-23-2007, 09:40 AM   #19
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Old 02-23-2007, 10:13 AM   #20
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Don and Amy are at home, and Don is watching a football game.

Amy walks into the room and asks Don to fix the kitchen light that had been flickering for weeks.

Don replies, "Fix the light? Do I have GENERAL ELECTRIC written on my forehead? I don't think so."

So Amy tries again and asks that Don fix the fridge door as it isn't closing right.

Don replies," Fix the fridge door? Do I have WESTINGHOUSE written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"OK," says Amy. "Could you at least fix the front steps? Someone's going to trip."

Don screams, "Does it look like I have HOME DEPOT written on my forehead? I don't think so. I'm going to the bar."

After several hours of dedicated drinking, guilt starts to overcome him, so he returns home.

As he is about to enter the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Upon walking through the kitchen, the light is no longer flickering. And when he goes to the fridge to get a beer, the door opens and closes properly.

"Amy," he asks, "how did all this get fixed?"

"Well," Amy replies. I went out and sat on the steps when you left and just cried. A nice young man came by and asked what was wrong. I told him. He offered to fix everything if I would bake him a cake. Or, if I wanted to, we could have sex instead.
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Old 02-23-2007, 10:44 AM   #21
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

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"Well," Amy replies. I went out and sat on the steps when you left and just cried. A nice young man came by and asked what was wrong. I told him. He offered to fix everything if I would bake him a cake. Or, if I wanted to, we could have sex instead.
I believe it's...

"Well," Amy replies. I went out and sat on the steps when you left and just cried. A nice young man came by and asked what was wrong. I told him. He offered to fix everything if I would bake him a cake or have sex with him.

Don replied, "What kind of cake did you bake him?"

Amy smiled and said. "Does it look like I have BETTY CROCKER written on my forehead"
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Old 02-23-2007, 10:57 AM   #22
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Eh, copy and paste owned me, lol...
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Old 02-23-2007, 11:25 AM   #23
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
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Old 02-23-2007, 12:19 PM   #24
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Nice Midnight
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Old 02-23-2007, 12:22 PM   #25
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

You know you're a redneck when:

• You ask for change at a charity drive.
• You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
• Your mother doesn't put on shoes to go grocery shopping.
• You've ever been blacklisted in a bowling alley.
• Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
• You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
• You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
• Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
• You owe a taxidermist more than yuour monthly income.
• You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
• You have a hefty bag for a passenger-side window.
• You've ever hollered "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
• You ever cut your grass and found a car.
• You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
• Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
• You burn your yard rather than mow it.
• Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
• You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
• Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
• Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
• You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
• You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
• Your school fight song has "Dueling Banjos".
• You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
• You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
• You clean your fingernails with a stick.
• Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
• You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
• You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
• Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
• You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
• There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
• The Home Shopping operator recognized your voice.
• There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
• You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
• You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
• You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
• Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
• The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
• You've ever bought a used cap.
• Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
• You pick your teeth from a catalog.
• You've ever financed a tattoo.
• You've ever stolen toilet paper.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
• People hear your car a long time before they see it.
• The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
• You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
• You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
• You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
• You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
• You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
• You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
• You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
• MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
• You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
• You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
• Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ***.
• Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
• You own a denim leisure suit.
• You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
• Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
• You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
• Your family tree does not fork.
• You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
• You have a rag for a gas cap.
• The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
• You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
• You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
• You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
• You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call..."
• You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
• Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
• You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
• After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
• Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
• All of your four letter words are two syllables.
• You've ever been too drunk to fish.
• You cut your toenails in front of company.
• You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
• Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
• Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
• You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
• Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• You can spit without opening your mouth.
• You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
• You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
• You have grease under your toenails.
• Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
• You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
• You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
• The directions to your house say "Turn off the paved road."
• You think a family reunion is a good place to meet chicks.
• You miss your sister's wedding because your best bowling shirt is at the cleaners.
• Your front porch collapses and more than 2 hound dogs are killed.
• Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
• You've ever yelled "squeal like a piggy" when making love.
• You've been on TV more than once describing what the tornado sounded like.
• You don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
• You've ever stabbed the back of someone's hand while they were reaching for the last piece of chicken.
• When packing for vacation, your biggest decision is whether to use paper or plastic.
• You think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped.
• You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
• You think the "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much it will hold.
• You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
• You know you're a redneck if your name consists of more names than you have members of your family.
• you have trouble with people parking under your truck also, if you see the height clearance on a bridge and turn your 4WD pickup around.
• you've ever driven across a pond.
• You know you're a red-neck when you get a gun for your wife and think you've made a good trade.
• In addition, you are a red-neck if you paid more for the tatoo on your wife's right arm than you did for the ring on her left hand.
• your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said... "Y'all come look at this before I flush it"
• you go to your family reunion to meet women.
• your dog passes gas and you claim it.
• you've ever been on TV more than three times describing what the tornado sounded like.
• the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
• going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
• you've ever made change in the offering plate.
• your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
• More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
• You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
• Fewer than half of your cars run.
• You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
• Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sport event.
• The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
• The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
• Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
• Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
• The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
• You prominently display a gift you bought a Graceland.
• You use the term "over yonder" more than once a month.
• The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, ****head?".
• Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
• you've ever used lard in bed.
• you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
• you've ever spraypainted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
• your high school annual is now a mug shot book for the police.
• the highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut.
• you've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
• there is a stuffed 'possum mounted anywhere in your home.
• you consider a six-pack of beer and a bug-zapper entertainment.
• your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand.
• you PREFER to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hemn them.
• someone asks to see your i.d. and you show them your belt buckle.
• less than half of the cars you own run.
• your junior-senior prom had a day-care center.
• You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
• You ever cut your grass and found a car.
• You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
• You think the stock market has a fence around it.
• Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
• Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
• You burn your yard rather than mow it.
• Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
• You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
• Birds are attracted to your beard.
• Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
• You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
• You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
• You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
• Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
• You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
• You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
• You clean your fingernails with a stick.
• Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
• You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
• Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
• You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
• There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.
• The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
• There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
• You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
• You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
• You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
• Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
• The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
• You've ever bought a used cap.
• Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
• You pick your teeth from a catalog.
• You've ever financed a tattoo.
• You've ever stolen toilet paper.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
• People hear your car a long time before they see it.
• The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
• You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
• You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
• You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
• You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
• You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
• You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
• You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
• you have ever used lard in bed.
• you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
• you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
• you consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper entertainment.
• your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
• the primary color of your car is bondo.
• URA Redneck if: directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
• your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
• you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
• you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
• Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.
• your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
• you see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.
• you consider the fifth grade you senior year.
• you have a rag for a gas cap.
• the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
• you have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.
• you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
• your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
• Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
• you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
• your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
• you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
• your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
• your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
• the main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.
• you mow the front yard and find a car.
• your other truck is made by John Deere.
• you think suspenders are a type of shirt.
• going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.
• you keep a spit cup on the ironing board.
• you ever got too drunk to fish
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Old 02-23-2007, 12:26 PM   #26
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

What holiday do black kids get confused?
Father's day
________

What's the difference between a naked white woman and a naked black woman?
One is on the cover of playboy, the other is on the cover of national geographic
_____________

Okay, so this black kid is riding his bike down the street, but he gets tired and rides slower, and slower. A guy driving a truck full of bowling balls sees the tired young boy, and offers him a ride. The young black boy hops in the back of the truck with all the bowling balls.
Just a mile or so down the road, a car pulls out in front of this truck, and there is an accident. The back of the truck flies open, and bowling balls are all over the road. The black boy decides to hop down and continue riding his bike.
Now, a man is witness to the accident, and frantically calls 9-1-1. He says "You gotta get someone down here right away.... A truck full of niggAr eggs just crashed... one of them already hatched and stole a bike!
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ARAB
What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Afghanistan?
A Map

When is the only time you can spit on a Persian Womans face?
When her mustache is on fire.

GAY
What does one *** say to another *** that is going on vacation?
Can I help you pack your ****?

Whats the most common pickup line in a gay bar?
May I push your stool in?

ASIAN
How do you blindfold an asian?
Dental Floss

INDIAN
How do you keep and indian out of your back yard?
Move the trash cans to the front

What do you call an indian without a casino?
A mexican

JEWISH
Whats the difference between a jew and a canoe?
A canoe tips

What is a jews biggest dilemma?
Free Pork

AFRICAN AMERICAN
Why did the mexican family move out of the outhouse?
because the black family downstairs made too much noise

What do you call a black guy with a peg leg?
**** on a stick

HISPANIC
What do you call a little mexican?
A paragraph cause he's not quite an "essay"

What do you call a building full of Latino's?
A Jail

CAUCASIAN
What do you call an imbred?
Maryjo Cussin

This hillbilly guy is hunched over and doing his sister when he says" Hey Sis, guess what ?", she says " what ?", he says "ya do it as good as mom does!" she says "really?, thats the same thing Dad said!"

What does a Redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
No matter what somebody's losing trailer

How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw
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Old 02-23-2007, 12:32 PM   #27
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Where do jews go to improve their thinking skills?
Concentration Camp.
___

why did the mexican girl get pregnant?
because the teacher told her to go home and do an essay over the weekend.
___

why do jews have big noses

because air is free
___

What do you call two black people standing in a field?

Antique farm equipment.
___

Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we killed the only one who had a dream.
___

How come black people are tall?
Because their knee grows
___

Whats the difference between a black man and a pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four.
___

Whats the difference between a black man and batman?
Batman can go to the store without robin
___

how was the first copper wire invented?

two jews fighting over a penny
____

Why are Gorillas angry all the time?

Cause they know in a million years they gonna evolve into Blacks.
___

what’s the difference between a pizza and a Jew?

pizza wont scream when its put in a oven
___

One day, God gave a black baby a set of wings.
The black baby asked God, "God, does this make me an angel?"
No child, God replied.
"It makes you a bat"
___

Q: How many Jews can you fit in a VW Bug?
A: All of them if you put them in the ash tray.
___

Why do Mexicans drive low-riders?

So they can pick strawberries
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Old 02-23-2007, 12:39 PM   #28
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

What word that starts with N and ends with R that you don't wanna say to a black person?????

neighbour
___

Why are there no Mexicans on Star Trek.
Even in the future they don't work
___

Why are prescription painkillers white?
Because you want them to work.
____

Why are over the counter painkillers usually brown?
You want them to work for cheap.
___

A black lady and her daughter get on a small plane with a family of KKK's. In mid flight the pilot gets on the intercom and says "Folks we just lost an engine, we are going to need some of you to jump off to save weight. We'll start alpabetically, when I call your group, please jump off. Will all African American people jump off." The black lady doesn't move. The pilot goes "Alright, will all black people jump off." Same thing, black lady doesn't move. The KKK family is wondering wtf they didn't jump. The pilot then goes "Ok, will all colored people jump off." Again, the black lady just stares straight ahead. Finally, the little black girl says "Momma, aint we part of those groups?" The mother says "Naw baby, today we niggArs and the K's come before the N's"
___

How do you starve a black man to death?
Put his food stamps in his work boots
_____

A black man and a Mexican are in a car.

Who's driving?

The cop!
___

why was the white boy crying on his birthday?
because i stole his bicycle
why didn't his dad chase after me?
because black guys can kick white dads asses
___

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?

i dunno, It depends on how many try to jump in the back of your truck at the 7-11
___

how do you know when you're a wedding in west virginia?

when everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
___

why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?

because all the mexicans that can run jump and swim are already in the US
___

Why do gays like ribbed condoms so much?
Because it gives them traction in the mud
___

what do you call a ***'s ball sack?
mud flap
___

Why don't blacks and mexicans marry each other?

Because their kids would grow up to be too lazy to steal...
___

what's the difference between a *** and a refridgerator?
a refridgerator won't fart when you pull the meat out.
___

what do you call 4 black guys in a car?
tinted windows
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Old 02-23-2007, 12:44 PM   #29
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluemustang View Post
Why don't blacks and mexicans marry each other?

Because their kids would grow up to be too lazy to steal...
I haven't heard that one before, and my friends like to tell me a lot of hispanic jokes.
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Old 02-23-2007, 12:52 PM   #30
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by MidnightSpeed View Post
I haven't heard that one before, and my friends like to tell me a lot of hispanic jokes.
same here I thought that one was funny too
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Old 02-23-2007, 01:08 PM   #31
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear.
She said, ''Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!'' The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, ''Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!'' This time, he figured he'd better look into it.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him. ''Excuse me sir, could I help you?''

The elderly man looked up and said, ''Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..."

The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!''

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats available, except for one at a table that was occupied by a man, and she decides to take it.
He said, "Hello, my name is Jim Snow, what's yours?"

The women replied, "June."

She went to get a drink and Jim Snow sat there smiling at her. When she came back he still sat there smiling.

June was a little embarrassed, so she bashfully said, "Why are you smiling at me like that?"

Jim answered, "Well, just imagine having 6 inches of Snow in June!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning
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Old 03-05-2007, 02:49 PM   #32
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Four doctors were talking shop one day...

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We took an ******* out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country was looking for work the next day!"
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Old 03-05-2007, 03:20 PM   #33
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
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Old 03-05-2007, 03:21 PM   #34
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
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Old 03-05-2007, 03:24 PM   #35
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Re: Joke Posting Thread

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
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