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Old 10-22-2003, 02:18 PM   #1
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I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:18 PM   #2
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The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:18 PM   #3
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As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:18 PM   #4
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Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:18 PM   #5
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Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:18 PM   #6
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If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:19 PM   #7
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Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:19 PM   #8
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It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:19 PM   #9
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The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:19 PM   #10
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If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:19 PM   #11
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When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:20 PM   #12
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Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:20 PM   #13
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Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:20 PM   #14
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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:20 PM   #15
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Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:20 PM   #16
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Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:22 PM   #17
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:22 PM   #18
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Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:22 PM   #19
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OK. ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:22 PM   #20
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:22 PM   #21
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There are three religious truths:
* Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
* Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
* Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:22 PM   #22
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:22 PM   #23
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Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:22 PM   #24
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:23 PM   #25
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Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:23 PM   #26
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what is all of this?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:23 PM   #27
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:23 PM   #28
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:23 PM   #29
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:23 PM   #30
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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:23 PM   #31
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Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:24 PM   #32
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:24 PM   #33
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for
their final exam.
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:24 PM   #34
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:24 PM   #35
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures
on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they
deliver the mail?
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