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Old 10-23-2003, 06:10 AM   #1
Ken
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Side Splitting Humor

What kind of streets to Zombies like to walk down??

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Dead Ends
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Old 10-23-2003, 06:11 AM   #2
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What did one Ghost ask another Ghost?

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Do you believe in People??
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Old 10-23-2003, 06:44 AM   #3
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:no: I loved em!
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Old 10-23-2003, 06:54 AM   #4
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A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City,came to a dead halt in traffic, and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual." He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade, and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline, and set herself on fire. She says her husband is running around on her more than ever, and the Democrats told her to forget about running for president in 2004 &2008. So we're taking up a collection for her."


The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?"





The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
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Old 10-23-2003, 06:55 AM   #5
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Hate your job???



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When you have an "I hate my job" day try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson." Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very
comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the
material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that
in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by
Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now close your eyes & repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not
work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company"

Have a laugh and a nice day folks. Remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.
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Old 10-23-2003, 06:59 AM   #6
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Rednecks! Corey ---> This one's for you!


Who Says Rednecks Aren't Bright?



Redneck: "Hello, is this the FBI?"

Agent: "Yes. What do you want?"

Redneck: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

Agent: "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

Redneck: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

Billy Bob: "Yeah!"

Redneck: "Did they chop your firewood?"

Billy Bob: "Yep."

Redneck: "Happy Birthday, buddy."

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Old 10-23-2003, 07:12 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
Rednecks! Corey ---> This one's for you!


Who Says Rednecks Aren't Bright?



Redneck: "Hello, is this the FBI?"

Agent: "Yes. What do you want?"

Redneck: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He is hiding ######### inside his firewood!"

Agent: "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no #########.
They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

Redneck: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

Billy Bob: "Yeah!"

Redneck: "Did they chop your firewood?"

Billy Bob: "Yep."

Redneck: "Happy Birthday, buddy."

lol
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Old 10-23-2003, 07:34 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
Hate your job???

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson." Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very
comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the
material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that
in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by
Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now close your eyes & repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not
work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company"

Have a laugh and a nice day folks. Remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.


BAJAJAJ!
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Old 10-23-2003, 08:50 AM   #9
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Old 10-23-2003, 03:46 PM   #10
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Old 10-24-2003, 05:30 AM   #11
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There are a lot of folks who can't understand
how we came to have an oil shortage here in
America

Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil..

We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.

All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California,
and Oklahoma.




All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
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Old 10-24-2003, 07:43 AM   #12
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Forgot the rimshot for that last one
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Old 10-24-2003, 07:43 AM   #13
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Here it is!


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Old 10-24-2003, 12:15 PM   #14
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next able. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replies.........







(Wait for it...)









(It's coming.............)











(The suspense is killing you ........)








"You just happened to catch my eye."
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Old 10-27-2003, 08:11 AM   #15
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One day a man, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop - dead - gorgeous woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh Man! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"




With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
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