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Old 10-28-2003, 06:12 AM   #1
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Today's important thread

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".



Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down..!"
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Old 10-28-2003, 06:16 AM   #2
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WW on this one..

I got 59097

toilet game
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Old 10-28-2003, 06:19 AM   #3
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One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.

She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey's kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ***!"
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Old 10-28-2003, 06:20 AM   #4
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Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.



One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.



Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.



The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.



Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.



The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.



The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.



Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.



The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
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Old 10-28-2003, 06:23 AM   #5
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A former police officer sent this. If you have a weak stomach,then don't scroll down and look at the picture ... it is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper. Taken shortly after he landed, it shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders.
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Old 10-28-2003, 06:25 AM   #6
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A beautiful, well endowed, young lady goes into her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. She spots a box full of frogs.

The sign reads "Sex Frogs...only $20 each ! Money back guarantee ! (comes with complete instructions)

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions carefully:

1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy
4. Crawl into the bed and place the frog on the bed beside you

Following the instructions exactly, she quickly gets into bed with the frog,
nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset. She rereads the
instructions and notices at that the bottom of the paper, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

She calls and is told by the salesman, I've had some complaints earlier
today. I'll be right over. Within 5 minutes, he is ringing her doorbell and
is welcomed in.

"SEE, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing
just sits there." she says.

He picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and says "listen to me
froggy, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time !!!!"
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Old 10-28-2003, 06:29 AM   #7
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A government study found that beer has female hormones. Testing large quantities of beer on men proved it. Under the influence of these hormones, men talk excessively, become overly emotional, have a serious problem thinking rationally and logically, and cant drive well.
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Old 10-28-2003, 06:32 AM   #8
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This biker dude dies and goes to heaven and meets with St. Peter....

St. Peter claims there are no good marks by his name in the good book, and
asks if the biker ever did anything honorable in his life....

The biker says that once he went to Sturgis to the bike rally and there was a
gang of bikers picking on the chick and they were going to have their way
with her, so I stepped in.

He said he picked the biggest biker with the most tattoos and kicked his bike
over, then thumped him in the head and ripped out his nose ring and threw it
to the ground and I told the dude, if they wanted to mess with that chick,
they had to deal with me first.

St. Peter was amazed and asked when this happen!?

About 2 minutes ago.........
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Old 10-28-2003, 06:33 AM   #9
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Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin,
Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, Michigan, North
Dakota, and South Dakota; those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the
state:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going
to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it.
Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi.. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
little trout you fish for.............bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to
your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you
paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed.. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So,
you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and
caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two ways--Interstates 29 & 35 go the other
two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks
the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like
an idiot....his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit.

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Old 10-28-2003, 06:34 AM   #10
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ken you post more now, than you did as a moderator!
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Old 10-28-2003, 06:39 AM   #11
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lol.. Although it seems like it I had 1400+ moderator posts and only 200+ Regular person posts...


but my frequency is wayy up..



I can get away with goofing off now!
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Old 10-28-2003, 06:39 AM   #12
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FOR SALE



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Old 10-28-2003, 06:43 AM   #13
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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.

They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

The Moral:
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest Wells just by not stopping, never giving up. Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

O.K., that's enough of that B.S. ...

The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the ***** out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the ***** out of them too for helping.

The REAL Moral:
When you try to cover your a$$, it always comes back to get you.
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Old 10-28-2003, 08:03 AM   #14
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Is it OK to laugh at this one??

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Old 10-28-2003, 09:00 AM   #15
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A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......





BUMP...











BUMP...











BUMP... behind him



















Walking faster he looks back,

and makes out the image of an upright

coffin banging its way down the middle of the

street towards him









BUMP...











BUMP...











BUMP...











Terrified, the man begins to run towards

his home, the coffin bouncing

quickly behind him ...



faster...






faster...











BUMP...









BUMP....









BUMP.











He runs up to his door,

fumbles with his keys, opens the door,

rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. . .















However, the coffin crashes through his door,

with the lid of the coffin clapping ...











clappity-BUMP...





clappity-BUMP...







clappity-BUMP...







clappity-BUMP...











on the heels of the terrified man. . .








Rushing upstairs to the bathroom,

the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding; his head is reeling;

his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. . .










With a loud CRASH the coffin starts

breaking down the door.

Bumping and clapping towards him.









The man screams and reaches for

something heavy, anything ...

his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of

Robitussin.















Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as

hard as he can at the apparition.











the coffin stops.
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Old 10-28-2003, 09:13 AM   #16
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KEN = POST WHORE WITH BAD JOKES
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Old 10-28-2003, 09:48 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.

They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
Poor donkey! I hope he kicked that ungrateful farmer in the nads for trying to bury him alive!
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Old 10-28-2003, 10:21 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MusclesFromBrussels
KEN = POST WHORE WITH BAD JOKES
Hey, I resemble that remark!
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Old 10-28-2003, 11:33 AM   #19
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Man, ur awesome. You make my day every day.
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Old 10-28-2003, 01:01 PM   #20
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A father is showing his son his business and encouraging the son to eventually take over the business. The son is unfamiliar with sales so the father says, "Let me show you how to sell. The next customer that comes in the door, watch me, listen and learn." So the door opens and in walks a gentleman. Father says, "How can I help you sir?"

Customer: "I need to get some grass seeds."

Father: "Ahh yes, we have some right here. Can I also interest you in a lawn mower?"

Customer has a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Why?"

Father: "Well, this grass seed is so good and grows so fast that you'll need to have a good lawn mower to keep it's growth under control".

Customer: "Wow, then I'll buy a lawn mower too!"

The son watching this is amazed at his father's sales ablilities. He congratulates his father. In walks another gentleman and the son immediately says to his father, "My turn Dad."

Son: "Hello sir, what can I get for you today?"

Gentleman: "I need to get a box of Tampons for my girlfriend".

Son: "Oh we have those right over here. Can I interest you in a lawn mower?"

Gentleman: "A lawn mower? Why the hell would I need a lawn mower?"

Son: "Well you ain't gonna be doing much with her this weekend so you might as well cut the freakin' lawn!"
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Old 10-28-2003, 01:09 PM   #21
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Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the Windows XP New
Joisey Edition may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a
dese, youse may need some help unnerstanin da commands.

Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It
reads:

"Windas XP", wit a background pitcha a Hoboken. When youse start da
program, instead a da usual stringy like music, you hear a little
Springsteen.
It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

Please also note:

Recycle bin is labeled "Newark." My Computer is called "My Friggin'
Computa"

Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "Enhancin' da Family
Business" and will actually maximize da program instead a shuttin' it down.

Hard Drive is referred to as "Da Turnpike on Da Way to Da Shore"

Instead of an error message, "You Ain't Gonna Friggin' Believe Dis'"
pops up.

Changes in Terminology in Da Joisey Edition:
OK . . . . Sure ting
Cancel . . . . Fugetaboutit
Reset . . . . Start ova

You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

You gotta problem wit dat?
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Old 10-28-2003, 01:14 PM   #22
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Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. the wife is standing in
front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my *** is hanging out a mile, I've got fat legs.... and my arms are flabby"...

She turns to her husband and says.....
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself"

He thinks about it for a bit and then says
"Well......your eyesite is still 20/20....."
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Old 10-28-2003, 01:27 PM   #23
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WASHINGTON, DC -- Hang on to any of the new West Virginia quarters if you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The US Treasury announced it is recalling all of the West Virginia quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. The quarters are being issued in the order in which the various states joined the US. "We are recalling

all the new West Virginia quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." "The problem lies in a design flaw," Shackleford said. The winning design was submitted by a West Virginia University interior design student. "Apparently," Shackleford said, "the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
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Old 10-28-2003, 01:33 PM   #24
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Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake but hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed... Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was rebuilt. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.

About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him...
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Old 10-28-2003, 01:34 PM   #25
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John was a successful lawyer, hampered by incredible headaches.

"You have a rare condition," said the doctor. "It causes your testicles to press against the base of your spine. The pressure creates the headaches. The only solution is to remove your testicles."

So desperate, John elected to go under the knife.

Needing to cheer himself up after the operation, John went to buy a new suit.

The salesman sized him up. "Let's see, a size 44 long."

"How'd you know?" said John.

"Been in the business 30 years."

The suit was a perfect fit.

"How about a shirt?" said the salesman. "I'd say a 34 sleeve and a 16 neck."

"You're right!" said John.

After the shirt, "how about underwear," said the salesman. "I'd say a size 36."

"You're finally wrong!" laughed John. "I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head.

"You can't wear size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your spine and give you one heck of a headache."

Ooops!
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Old 10-28-2003, 01:37 PM   #26
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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know
which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. She

says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can
tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.
She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb.test
line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take
it." He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to
get her purse and farts.

At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he
could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the
only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is
$3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.

And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."
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Old 10-28-2003, 01:40 PM   #27
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Click
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V
LMAO!!!
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Old 10-28-2003, 01:43 PM   #28
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Boy Scout Training -- True Story

Thanks to the office of Rep. Edward Royce, California Republican, for sending
us the following excerpt from a local radio interview

The female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club

Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on
this adventure holiday?"

Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see why. They'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to
be teaching children?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper range discipline
before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one are
you?"
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Old 10-28-2003, 01:46 PM   #29
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California's Ex-Governor “Gray-out” Davis
has decided to try riding a motorcycle in his now “spare time”,
even though he has had no lessons or prior experience.
He mounts the motorcycle uninstructed, turns it on and it immediately roars into motion.
As it moves along faster and faster,
Gray begins to fall from the seat. In terror,
he grips tightly on the handlebars, but can't get a firm grip.
he tries to throw his arms around the motorcycle's gas tank,
but he slides down the side of the motorcycle anyway.
Finally giving up his frail grip, he tries to leap off the motorcycle
and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become
entangled in the exhaust pipes. He is now at the mercy of the motorcycle's roaring wheels.....
as his head is struck against the ground, over and over.
He is moments away from unconsciousness when,
to his great fortune, Wendell, the Wal-Mart greeter,


sees him and unplugs the motorcycle.
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Old 10-28-2003, 03:09 PM   #30
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Ken you should name your posts by the date that you post them.

I love reading them, but am dissappointed when I'm expecting a new one and it's one I've already read.

Keep up the good work.
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Parts for Sale VERY CHEAP!

SOLD - White Cobra rims, rear GT swaybar, ASP UD pulley, cleared headlights, full-length Densecharger, red calipers, MustangWorld billet grille, true dual exhaust w/ flowmaster 40's, MAC lowering springs (front), raised gas pedal, MSD 8.5mm spark plug wires, GT foglights, Steeda Tri-ax
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Old 10-28-2003, 07:43 PM   #31
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dude, where do you get these?
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Old 10-28-2003, 07:45 PM   #32
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ken, are you like on a joke rampage or something?
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Old 10-28-2003, 07:46 PM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heramb22
Ken you should name your posts by the date that you post them.

I love reading them, but am dissappointed when I'm expecting a new one and it's one I've already read.

Keep up the good work.
its not his fault you only check the thread like once a month, ooooooooohhhhhhhhh, just messin with ya dude
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