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Old 10-29-2003, 06:11 AM   #1
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10/29/03 ---> Today's Post

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"






The driver says, "'Bout what?"
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Old 10-29-2003, 06:11 AM   #2
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Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.

When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"


"Jes' some chickens."


"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"



"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "


OK. Ummmmm...five?"
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Old 10-29-2003, 06:11 AM   #3
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An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"
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Old 10-29-2003, 06:12 AM   #4
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Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.


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Old 10-29-2003, 06:12 AM   #5
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Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
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Old 10-29-2003, 06:13 AM   #6
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Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

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Old 10-29-2003, 06:13 AM   #7
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What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?




























Documentaries
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Old 10-29-2003, 06:13 AM   #8
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Where was the toothbrush invented?



















Arkansas.


If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
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Old 10-29-2003, 06:13 AM   #9
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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
















The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

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Old 10-29-2003, 06:14 AM   #10
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A new law was recently passed in South Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
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Old 10-29-2003, 06:14 AM   #11
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What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?















No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
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Old 10-29-2003, 06:14 AM   #12
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How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?












When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead.
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Old 10-29-2003, 06:16 AM   #13
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A GIRL'S PRAYER

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a'twitchin,
In the hall, in the garden and in the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen.
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Old 10-29-2003, 06:17 AM   #14
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A GUY'S PRAYER


Lord, I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and likes to fish.


Amen.
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Old 10-29-2003, 06:19 AM   #15
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Newspaper headlines Year 2035



Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops &livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be im ported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.



Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.
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Old 10-29-2003, 06:29 AM   #16
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Mental Capacity Test

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional".

Scroll down for each answer.




The questions are not that difficult.









Questions:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator door, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.

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2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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Wrong Answer:
Open the refrigerator door, put in the elephant and close the
refrigerator.

Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and
close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your
actions.

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3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend except one.
Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer:
The Elephant.
The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first
three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show
your abilities.
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4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by
crocodiles. How do you manage it?
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Correct Answer:
You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal
Meeting.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong.
But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
AndersonConsulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that
most professionals have the brains of a four year old.



So how did you guys do
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Old 10-29-2003, 07:17 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?


















No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
People always hatin on Alabama
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Old 10-29-2003, 07:38 AM   #18
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Quote:
People always hatin on Alabama


Well when you think about it Brent it is the HOMO, green party, liberal ***, anti gun, PETA members, veggitarian, atheist from the North East and the west coast that say stuff about Alabama. Which is good because we dont need there Liberal gay asses in the south BY GOD!!!!

They have done a really good job of F&%*ing up their own states and want to F*&% ours up now!!!!!

I say they should just remember Bubba's have guns and we use them

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Old 10-29-2003, 07:51 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
A new law was recently passed in South Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

/\
|
|

Corey is noticeably silent!
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Old 10-29-2003, 07:52 AM   #20
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Well Ken I am from Alabama I just happen to live in Incest South Carolina
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Old 10-29-2003, 07:56 AM   #21
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Hey.. I used to live in LA... both of them.. The one on the west coast, and Lower Alabama.. Although they called it Ft. Walton Beach Florida.
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Old 10-29-2003, 08:12 AM   #22
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A woman went into a pet store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive, she told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, bud didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well" said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog that has been trained to give blowjobs".

"Blowjobs???" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven, but we have sold over 30 this month"

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what it it is true...NO more blowjobs for her to perform. She bought the frog.

When she explained the froggy's abilities to her husband, he was skeptical and laughted it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never have to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere making hellacious banging and crashing sounds everywhere. She ran down stairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog looking at cookbooks. "What are the two of you doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied "If I can teach this frog to cook, you are OUTTAHERE!"
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Old 10-29-2003, 08:13 AM   #23
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While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 MPH over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the Jeep and asked me "What's the hurry?"


I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah", said the cop. "What do you do?",

"I'm a rectum stretcher", I responded

The cop said, "What?....A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher do?

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. THen I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 ft wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot *** hole?",

I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."

BAIL: $100.00
TICKET: $95.00
LOOK ON COP'S FACE: PRICELESS !
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Old 10-29-2003, 08:14 AM   #24
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One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked,
"Got anything smaller?"
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Old 10-29-2003, 08:15 AM   #25
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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,..........
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,.........

"You have exactly 1586 sheep".

"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal ?"

"OK, why not" answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.

"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog".
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Old 10-29-2003, 08:16 AM   #26
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I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
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Old 10-29-2003, 08:17 AM   #27
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I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just ********.
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Old 10-29-2003, 08:17 AM   #28
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I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
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Old 10-29-2003, 08:17 AM   #29
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I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
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Old 10-29-2003, 08:17 AM   #30
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I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they are more screwed up than you think.
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Old 10-29-2003, 08:17 AM   #31
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I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
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Old 10-29-2003, 08:17 AM   #32
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I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
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Old 10-29-2003, 08:18 AM   #33
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I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
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Old 10-29-2003, 08:18 AM   #34
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I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
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Old 10-29-2003, 09:19 AM   #35
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God these are all awesome. I love it man, keep them coming.
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