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Old 11-06-2003, 06:32 AM   #1
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11/6/03 ---> Today's humor

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a
sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to his wife,
"Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a
sermon about horseback riding!"

She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!"

He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just
about every other subject I can think of."

The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can't believe
that you're insisting on doing this! You know, if you're going to give that
silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service."

He said, "OK, then, suit yourself!", so, she stayed in the car. Entering
church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and
gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX that just had the congregation in awe.

As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the members saw his
wife sitting in the car and approached her window. One of them said,
"Wow! You just missed the best sermon your husband has ever given!"


She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but he's
only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and once after,
and he fell off both times!"
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Old 11-06-2003, 06:32 AM   #2
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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!!
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Old 11-06-2003, 10:49 AM   #3
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There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." "Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions."























"This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you **** on its head."
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Old 11-06-2003, 11:38 AM   #4
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Old 11-06-2003, 12:34 PM   #5
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A man approaches a beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asks, "I've lost my girlfriend. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Sure, but I don't understand how that would help," the well-endowed beauty says. "Well," says the man, "every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."
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Old 11-06-2003, 12:40 PM   #6
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WHAT TIGER WOULD DO
A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods," replies his wife.

"Tiger Woods the golfer? Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh, yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's exhausted. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.


The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"


"No, I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."
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Old 11-06-2003, 01:07 PM   #7
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The new town pastor walked into a neighborhood pub, and stood quietly for a moment, watching everyone dancing in the place, which was hopping with music. Every once in a while the lights would go out and the whole place would erupt into cheers. After a few moments, though, the revelers caught sight of the pastor, and the room went dead silent. He walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "Well, there is life-sized statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way." So, the clergyman proceeded to the restroom. The dancing and rowdiness resumed, and when the lights went out again, the crowd cheered even more wildly than before. After a few minutes, the preacher came back out. The crowd stopped dancing just long enough to give him an enthusiastic round of applause. The pastor went to the bartender and said, "I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us!" said the bartender. "I'm afraid I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on that statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place."
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Old 11-06-2003, 01:44 PM   #8
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I want more
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Old 11-06-2003, 02:46 PM   #9
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hahahaha, blue donkey that one is AWESOME
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Old 11-06-2003, 09:08 PM   #10
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Grandpa Donkey sent it to me
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Old 11-06-2003, 09:15 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueDonkey
Grandpa Donkey sent it to me
grandpa donkey must be a cool guy.
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Old 11-06-2003, 09:17 PM   #12
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Most donkeys are. Just don't sneak up on us from behind, or you will have hoofprints a foot deep.
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Old 11-06-2003, 09:21 PM   #13
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lol, that would suck
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Old 11-06-2003, 09:25 PM   #14
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yeah, hemmhoraging and internal bleeding = sux0r
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Old 11-08-2003, 09:08 PM   #15
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