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Old 11-07-2003, 06:09 AM   #1
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11/7/03 ---> Today's Humor

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Crap, I missed." The nun told him to watch his language. On his next swing, he missed again. "Crap, I missed." "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the next tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed. The sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Crap, I missed." A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes the nun dead in her tracks. From the sky comes a booming voice, "Crap, I missed."
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Old 11-07-2003, 06:18 AM   #2
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yo, you double posted this thread
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Old 11-07-2003, 06:22 AM   #3
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HAHA somebody isn't awake yet!
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Old 11-07-2003, 06:28 AM   #4
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Man, I pulled a Jimmy!!!!!


Corey will come resuce it when he shows up this morning..
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Old 11-07-2003, 09:34 AM   #5
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife.

She was a very good looking woman, and determined to
keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a
ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the
other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it,
and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the
gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,
the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the
hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the
ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick
up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he
didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He
returned around two-thirty and upon entering the
room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She
quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her
boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes
in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down
and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you
ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on
the spot."
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Old 11-07-2003, 09:41 AM   #6
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ROFLMAO ---that's a twist I wasn't expecting!!
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Old 11-07-2003, 09:55 AM   #7
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Lol
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Old 11-07-2003, 09:55 AM   #8
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A highway patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"
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Old 11-07-2003, 09:55 AM   #9
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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Old 11-07-2003, 09:57 AM   #10
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Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is aspirin and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean, as is the rest of the house. Taking the aspirins he notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." In the kitchen is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3:00 a.m., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!'"
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Old 11-07-2003, 09:58 AM   #11
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A couple is attending an art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them taken aback. The picture depicts three black, naked men sitting on a park bench-two have a black penises, the one in the middle has a pink penis. As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it." The man says, "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have three black men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have black penises." The Irish artist says, "Oh, you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."
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Old 11-07-2003, 09:59 AM   #12
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A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this for a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

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Old 11-07-2003, 09:59 AM   #13
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A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," said the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
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Old 11-07-2003, 10:00 AM   #14
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A man walked up to a farmhouse and knocked on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same question. Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave. Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case the man returned. Sure enough, the next day, the man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?" "Good," said the man at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to stay the hell away from my wife!"
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Old 11-07-2003, 10:01 AM   #15
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Those are all great
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Old 11-07-2003, 10:39 AM   #16
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Those are all great
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Old 11-07-2003, 12:43 PM   #17
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ke, its still not 11/7/04 big guy its still 2003. You old timers dont even keep track of years anymore :no:
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Old 11-07-2003, 01:22 PM   #18
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Damn.. I guess I'm just thinking of my 2004 Jeep too much
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Old 11-07-2003, 01:24 PM   #19
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haha
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Old 11-07-2003, 04:21 PM   #20
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Damn.. I guess I'm just thinking of my 2004 Jeep too much
Yet more evidence that Jeeps mess with the brain.
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Old 11-09-2003, 09:43 PM   #21
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