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Old 03-06-2008, 11:35 AM   #1
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The brith of liberalism

emailed to me at work. Got a good chuckle out of it.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer and Scotch, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to
the beer and Scotch

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives

Once beer and Scotch were discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them
to be invented, they just stayed close to the breweries. That's how villages
were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night
while they were drinking beer and Scotch. This was the beginning of what is
known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting
to decide how to divide the meat, beer and Scotch that conservatives

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added) and blended Scotch
(conservatives like single malt), but most prefer white wine or imported
bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu,
and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer and single malt. They eat red meat and
still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who
works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for

Here ends today's lesson in world history....... It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth
of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers and to more liberals just to [make them angry]....
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