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Old 11-12-2003, 06:07 AM   #1
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Product Reviews!



Potted Meat Food Product

There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, "food." Already not a good sign.

The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with "MECHANICALLY SEPARATED CHICKEN." Oddly enough, I'm about to be separated from my lunch, and I haven't even opened the can yet.

Other ingredients include BEEF TRIPE, BEEF HEARTS, AND "PARTIALLY DE-FATTED COOKED PORK FATTY TISSUE" How does one de-fat fat? Bizarre. God knows what else is in here.

Okay, I'm going to go try it now. If i'm not back in ten minutes, call Poison Control...




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I'm back. Oofah.

Okay, here we go-- Pulling back the lid (not recommended) lets loose an odor that punches you in the nose like a stinky fist. If you've ever smelled a can of dog food, it's just like that. Only imagine you are opening the can while your head is wedged in a horse's ***.

Inside is a smooth, oddly pink meat paste. So smooth, in fact, I dare call it "creamy." (I actually got a little gaggy just typing that.) Surprisingly, it was a little spicier than I expected. Although, that sensation may have been a by-product of my tastebuds dying.

The can shows a serving suggestion of the Potted Meat being served on squares of toast. I would also suggest squares of toilet paper. Or maybe a nice diaper.

All I can tell you is, I survived , and I have to admit it may have even been a little educational. I know I learned at least one thing from "Ralph's Potted Meat"-- Ralph is a ****ing dick.

Not surprisingly, I've come up with a little slogan the peeps who handle Potted Meat Marketing can use (no charge, as always): POTTED MEAT FOOD PRODUCT: Made By, For, And With ********.
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Old 11-12-2003, 06:12 AM   #2
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Pickled Pork Rinds



While perusing the "I May Throw Up In My Mouth" section of the supermarket, I came across the atrocity known as Dolores Brand Pickled Pork Rinds. These are not the crunchy pork rinds you'll often see over by the chips. These are their grosser, soggier, botulism-ier cousins.

The label says "Ready to Eat." They left off "By Dumb-Asses."

There is also a red starburst proudly proclaiming "Nuevo Envase de Vidrio Reusable". Not knowing much Spanish, I could only assume that meant
"Oh Crap -- A Jar of Skin!"

I was wrong. It means: "New Reusable Glass Container" which I think is their subtle way of saying you can also use the jar to puke in.

Okay. I'm going to go consume. If I don't make it back to finish this review, tell my wife I love her. And not to eat the pork rinds.



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I'm back. First off, I would like to say to Dolores, I am sorry. I don't know what it is I did to you, but you have gotten me back and we're even.

I knew I was in trouble as soon as I opened the jar, and heard no reassuring vacuum seal. I must admit that made me nervous, but what are the odds of a dusty jar of warm pig skin going bad, right?

Lifting the lid revealed a weird sour smell, something akin to mild vinegar and stale meat. I almost want to say it was like a freshly ******d pork chop. But I won't. Why? Because I'm a ****ing gentleman.

As I attempted to fish out a "good one," I couldn't help notice the alarming skin texture. For all those times I wondered what it would be like to gnaw on my grandmother's thigh, I was about to find out.

Taking a bite, I quickly realized the swatch of fat wasn't chewy at all. In fact, it was eerily soft, not unlike my own swatches of fat. This was a blessing because less chewing meant less actual contact with my mouth. I think it's fair to say it was everything you'd expect from a sliver of briney fat. It was also the only time in my life my brain formed the sentence: "I have a mouth full of cellulite."



While I cannot endorse the eating of Pickled Pork Rinds, I do endorse playing with it like a puzzle. I did have some fun trying to put the pig back together, but eventually that got boring as I lost the will to live.

I have a feeling Dolores and I are not done. As long as she continues to market such treats as (click if you don't believe me) Pickled Pork Lips and the bewildering Chili Brick, I have no doubt she and I will do battle again.
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Old 11-12-2003, 06:14 AM   #3
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TRIPE = The Stomach of a ruminant animal prepared for food; Rubbish (F. = entrails)



Wow that sounds tasty Ken I will take some spread on some toast on a stick

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA!!!
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Old 11-12-2003, 06:16 AM   #4
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Beggin Strips

Beggin' Strips are bacon-shaped, bacon-flavored treats for dogs. In the commercial a dog runs around the house like a maniac shouting BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON! It's weird, because I do the exact same thing.

Beggin' Strips slogan is "Dog's don't know it's not bacon!" Newsflash: Dogs are retarded. Mine used to eat his own vomit, and wag his tail while he did it. I'll be the one to decide if this stuff tastes like bacon or not.

I know these snacks aren't made for human consumption, but while I was in the store the ingredients list looked pretty tame so I wasn't too concerned. Somehow I had missed one extremely dubious word sitting there all by itself. "MEAT". That's all it says... meat.



Meat is a pretty large umbrella. Beef is meat. Pork is meat. Horses, monkeys, and allegedly Arby's roast beef are meat. Even Rosie O'Donnell's ball sack is meat. Okay, maybe I've gone too far. I have no idea what that is they are serving at Arby's, but you get my point.

Alas, there is no turning back now. Despite the fact that I am a grown man with children, I'm off to go eat dog food. And what better way to have Beggin' Strips than in a Beggin', Lettuce, and Tomato Sammich!




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I'm back. And I'm sad to report that I did not run around the house yelling "Bacon!" I did, however, run around the house yelling "Call 911!"

GodDAMN these are foul.

While they were a little too artificially colored red to pass for real bacon, I was pleased to see they were not all the same shape. Similar to slices of real bacon, they each have their own curvy and shriveled identity. (Just like my aunts and uncles.)

And somehow these Beggin' Strips also managed to smell just like bacon. Oopsie. Typo. I meant to say "the smoky puke of a thousand maniacs."

To put it simply, this is the devil's bacon. Even a healthy dose of bread, mayo, lettuce and tomato couldn't come close to masking the evil. The bitter nastiness literally got worse with every chew, and I was overcome by the urge to go in the backyard and eat grass until it was out of me.

The following is a message to all dogs who read this: First, sit. Sit! Good boy. Now listen to me. Beggin' Strips do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT TASTE LIKE BACON. You are all being played for chumps! Alright, now give me your paw. Okay, roll over! Good boy! Now go take a steamy dump in your master's shoe. Go on! Get!

In closing, the only silver lining to this dark dark cloud is I have figured out why so many dogs lick their own ********. They are trying to kill the taste of Beggin' Strips. (By the way, it doesn't work.)
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Old 11-12-2003, 06:34 AM   #5
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I think Dolores is a cannibal
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Old 11-12-2003, 08:46 PM   #6
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Ok.

The obvious response is :

The obvious question is "Why?"

Consider this thread responded and questioned.
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Old 11-12-2003, 10:11 PM   #7
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lol potted meat. Holy discusting.
Do people acutally eat that! ewww!
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Old 11-12-2003, 10:19 PM   #8
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Ha ha, it's good when you are sick or something and can't taste a thing you eat. The problem is that when you open it you get sick all over again from the sight.
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Old 11-12-2003, 10:24 PM   #9
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ewwwwwww, some of that **** look too gnarly for me
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Old 11-12-2003, 10:29 PM   #10
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perhaps this thread needs a stomach warning (*SW*)
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Old 11-12-2003, 10:58 PM   #11
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that would be *SWW* not *SW*
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Old 11-12-2003, 11:17 PM   #12
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y sww?
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Old 11-12-2003, 11:22 PM   #13
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stomach work warning
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Old 11-13-2003, 09:40 AM   #14
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there are no stomachs at work in this one.....
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Old 11-13-2003, 09:48 AM   #15
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Potted meat is nothing more than mashed bologna, liverworst, hotdogs, spice luncheon meat, Spam. Come on guys I know you goobers eat some of this. But I DONT KNOW ANYONE WHO EATS Pickled Pork Rinds That is just the nastiest looking crap I have ever seen :no: :no: :no:

And if you eat Beggin Strips you are just a Friggin GOOF BALL

BROTHER COREY SAYS IF YOU EAT PICKLED PORK RINDS ""YOU ARE THE DEVIL""
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Old 11-13-2003, 09:53 AM   #16
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Why does Brother Corey use double quotation marks?
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Old 11-13-2003, 09:53 AM   #17
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Oh, and Cousin Donkey says we need a better Stick-the-tongue-out smiley
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Old 11-13-2003, 10:01 AM   #18
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Is that Dolores lady for real? Pig lips??? I thought that kinda crap went in the 59 cents package of "meat" hot dogs......God that is gross. Do people really eat this **** enough that Dolores has a web site to describe this odd crap : Uncooked (or so it appears) pig skin - yup, cannibal -does- come to mind
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Old 11-13-2003, 10:23 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueDonkey
Why does Brother Corey use double quotation marks?

BROTHER COREY likes double quotations, they show a high level of importance

BROTHER COREY SAYS The Cousin Donkey things is ""lamo""
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Old 11-13-2003, 10:30 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ZimStang
stomach work warning
ok im a fockin idiot
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Old 11-13-2003, 11:29 PM   #21
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BROTHER COREY SAYS The Cousin Donkey things is ""lamo""
Oh, go heal some neon
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