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Old 03-02-2010, 12:00 PM   #1
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How's this story so far? any tips?

I'm planning on making it a book but... I don't know if It's good enough. I'm sticking with the dog's everything but you can suggest names for the people or compliment thanks any tips on what the next chapter should be (this is actually not a finnished chapter but it will be then next chapter, I need a place to stop) thanks

She walked down the road, wondering why in the world she even bothers going to school. She’d thought of a lot of reasons to go to school and a lot of reasons not to.
I can get a good job, She’d thought one day, if I go to school.
But I can just start a business doing what I want if I don’t go to school. She’d countered herself.
She always dragged during school nowadays. She was sixteen, had a lot of friends here, and looked good and healthy, but one day that all turned upside-down.
“You’ll love it in downtown Chicago.” She’d heard her father say to her mother.
“What about Lee? She’s going to have to start all over again. You know how hard it is for new teens to get into a group at this age. Marli won’t cope too well. You know that.” Her mother had said back.
“What are you talking about?” Marli had asked her parents after hearing her name.
“Nothing swee-” her mother started, looking up from her bowl of oatmeal.
Marli’s father had cut her off sharply “We’re thinking about moving to Chicago, Lee. What do you say?” He picked up the local Newspaper when Marli hesitated and read “Business Boom in Chicago, Chicago students start riot on Main Street to allow junk food machines in Harkin’s High School… Chicago…” he flips the pages quicker now “Chicago, Chicago, Chicago…” He stops and looks at his wife, then at his daughter
“It’s all over the News; you’ll practically be famous… Thing is… I got fired two days ago sweetie and I need to find a job. That’s why I read ‘Large Business Boom in Chicago.’ I’m sorry but I need to find somewhere that I can get a job.” Her father looked sympathetically at her.
“Jonathon…’ Her mother started
“I’m sorry Tory but it’s a must right now, you know that. I’m not thinking of myself at all. I’m thinking of what will happen to you guys if I don’t maintain a paycheck.”
It had been silent for about 10 minutes that morning when all of a sudden Marli’s father read the Business Boom article.
“Large Business Boom In Chicago: With over 20 new businesses opening downtown at once, options for jobs are high. Reporters, vets, haircutters, accountants, doctors, those are all some of the new job openings. Swimming instructors, dog handlers, cashiers, business partners, club bar-tenders...” He stopped reading for that morning and the rest of the morning had been silent as death.

Now as she walked down the road to catch her ride to school she thought it over. Fame… Friends, shopping, and downtown jobs… It was everything a teenage girl could ask for. She’d made up her mind. She’d go to Chicago with her parents and get a good job downtown. She’d be friends with the popular Chicago-ins. She’d brag about her new friends and clothes… Or would she be put out of the groups and kicked out of the school, un-liked on the streets of Chicago? She lived in Illinois State, but she was a suburb girl, a farmer girl… Not a big downtown street stripper or anything. She’d never even think about selling her body like that. She’d been downtown once and she wasn’t a big fan. In the year of 2018 Chicago was practically as big as New York was about 5 years ago.
Just then her ride pulled up. A nice little yellow 2012 mustang car, not new but it was something. Had a great engine, nice mufflers, it had pretty sweet tires, too. Her friend had thought about spinners, but she’d, thankfully, talked her out of that idea.
“Hop in Lee…” Taylor said. Taylor was a year older than Marli, and the two girls had been best friends since Marli was only five.
Marli opened the back door; Jaz was in the front already. He always took the passenger seat. He was hardly ever sick or missed the ride. Jaz was a good guy, not anything Marli liked in looks but he was a sweet guy. His full name was Jasper Altin Ziplane. His initials were J.A.Z and his first name was commonly shortened to Jaz, so he became Jaz JAZ to his friends and family. He even signed up with his name Jaz J.A.Z on contests, when he was called down to the office he was called, Jaz and everyone knew who it was.
Taylor secretly liked Jaz. But she thought that he liked Marli better than her, which wasn’t the case at all.
“Hey guys,” Marli started as she climbed into the crowded five seater, already eight people crammed in “, how’s it going?” She laughed as her foot got caught on her friend, Jaron’s, jean pocket. He laughed too as he pulled her foot out.
“We’re a mess!” Jaron yelled over the 80’s music playing at full volume in the crowded little car. He chuckled as Marli tried to squeeze between him and Karen and decided it’d be easier to sit on Jaron’s lap instead.
They started the long fifty minute drive to school. It was
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Old 03-02-2010, 12:16 PM   #2
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How's this story so far? any tips?

It's not something you can publish, but it's a good start, and if you have the ideas for a book, you should write one regardless of if it's good enough. For one, writing is a great outlet, and for another, you won't get better without practice. One day you might publish a book and dig this one out with some amusement. There is certainly room for improvement, though your writing is certainly not bad or unworkable. When I try to critique around here people mostly just get offended, so I don't bother anymore.
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Old 03-02-2010, 01:04 PM   #3
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How's this story so far? any tips?

sorry to tell I have no tips.But I think it is amazing
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Old 03-02-2010, 01:09 PM   #4
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How's this story so far? any tips?


You make the mistake, which I also make, of assuming that your character will automatically be liked and understood, that we would automatically care that she doesn't want to go to school. We know school's a bit dull, we don't need to read that.

Try and give us a feel for your character in your first few lines. Does she strut like a model? Wander aimlessly? Stumble clumsily?...
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Old 03-02-2010, 01:36 PM   #5
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How's this story so far? any tips?

Yeah, I agree with 'reignofcheese' (what a comical name). You write well, you just need to organize yourslef a little. Perhaps be more descriptive and elongate your sentences a bit. For example:

As she walked down the long road of lush houses and prefectly trimmed gardens, she thought to herself {italic}Why do I even bother to go to school? There were a multitude of pros and cons to weigh on the reasons for quitting or pursuing it. {italic} I can get a good job, no doubt about that, but I know that I can't just start up a business without a foundation. A foundation that required schooling. Great.

That's an example. For her thoughts, try to write them in Italics rather than remind the reader that she's conjuring a thought.

Overall, good so far. You can tweak it a bit but pretty good so far. Keep it up!
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