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Old 03-07-2010, 08:15 AM   #1
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How do you like my story so far? Need opinion.?

Chapter 1
“Hello?” I ask. Someone, apparently Kodi called me but I’m not sure if it’s his father with bad news.
“Hey, Lizzie. Did I wake you?” Kodi replies.
“Kinda, wait, you called with bad news, but you’re not gonna dump me. What is it?”
I don’t know how I knew it, maybe it was from a dream. I have fulfilled my dreams before. But I was not really ready for his reply.
“Yes, it’s bad news. But don’t get all worry-wart on me.” Great, just what people want to be called when their about to hear bad news.
“I’m gonna go worry-wart if you don’t tell me.” Over emphasizing the “don’t.” “Tell me. Now.”
“Fine, I’ll tell you. It has to do with me and my family.” Wait, I knew this. Let me think and I’ll guess. He’s got cancer. Oh, no!!! “Lizzie, I have cancer.”
“I knew you were gonna say that, somehow. Weird, huh?”
“Got that right.”
That was the worst night of my life. After that, I couldn’t sleep or anything. At school, I was a ***** to everyone. I cried, like, 24/7. How could this happen? I found myself thinking of ways to kill myself if he were to die. But I also prayed every waking millisecond. Kodi called every night and we talked for hours at a time, neither one of us wanted to sleep. So one night I finally said that I was gonna run away to see him.
“No you’re not. I don’t care if you miss me and are way too worried about me. I don’t want you to die.” Sure, he says that, but he totally wants to see me.
“I’m packing my backpack right as we speak. Don’t worry about me. I’m eight months older than you and I can take care of myself.” I had to see him. I was dieing thanks to my worry. I could feel it. “I need to see you, sooner than Cammie’s birthday party.” Cammie is our cousin. Or at least my cousin, I don’t know about Kodi. “I don’t have a driver’s license yet, but oh well. I can drive.” Well, to say the truth, no I can’t really drive, but I’m learning since I’m 16. Just to inform you, Kodi’s 15. “Hey, gotta go, need to sneak out of the school.”
You see, I go to Gallahather School for Exceptional Young Women. A spy school for girls. Just girls. But still, I am nicknamed Chameleon, and I break the rules on a weekly or daily basis. So I won’t really be missed. And Kodi lives not far from Farmquington. He lives like, half an hour away. Who cares. I can sneak out undetected.
“Elizabeth Shae Cagle, I am not letting you disobey the law.” He knows I have my own car, thanks to my dad, who got me one for my birthday. It’s a green Mustang convertible. But Kodi used my full name. He’s serious. I don’t care, I have to see him. “Lizzie, please don’t. If something bad happened to you, I would never forgive myself.”
“How do you think I feel? I have to see you, tonight. You won’t die, but you will be weak.” How did I know that! I may be a spy, but the school doesn’t teach things like seeing the future. “But I may be wrong. You may die. My aunt Grace died because she didn’t fully recover.”

Chapter 2
I was well on my way there when Kodi called me again.
“Hey Lizzie, you’re not still coming, are you? I mean, were you serious?” Yep, that’s what he said.
“Yes, of course I was serious. I’m almost there now.” I was. I was, like, half a mile away. I said that I was a master at this. The sneaking out.
“Okay, Lizzie, I’ll be waiting for you outside.” What! No, he can’t!
“But Kodi, are you sure?” He said he was. And then guess what? My car broke down. “Kodi, there’s been a delay, my car broke down.

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Old 03-07-2010, 08:19 AM   #2
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How do you like my story so far? Need opinion.?

its ok story

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Old 03-07-2010, 09:18 AM   #3
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How do you like my story so far? Need opinion.?

You copied the spy school for exceptional women thing from "I'd tell you I love you but then I'd have to kill you" by ally carter.
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Old 03-07-2010, 10:11 AM   #4
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How do you like my story so far? Need opinion.?

Um, you don't really understand tact, do you? The mood of your writing should change when he says he has cancer.

Quite frankly, the characters annoy me. I'm not sure how old they're supposed to be; they sound about 9.
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