What do I need to change in this letter? - Mustang Evolution

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Old 03-13-2010, 10:30 PM   #1
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What do I need to change in this letter?

==PLEASE GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS IF I NEED TO CHAGE ANYTHING! THIS IS A THANK YOU LETTER TO THE PLACE I INTERNED AT.==

Dear Trinity;

Before if you asked me what a SQL server was I would probably say “HUH??” if you asked me was it possible to connect two separate buildings and be able to recognize their own IP address’s I wouldn’t have known the answer to it. If you asked me what Shelby was I would more then likely say “It’s the name of a sweet Ford Mustang??”

I know some of the people who read this will wonder “Who is this guy? And why is he in my news letter?” My name is Matt Myers and I was an intern under Ryan Vanover working with a mentorship program from my high school Holt high school. At Trinity Church as an IT Systems Administrator, I started in October 2008 and met with Ryan every Tuesday and Wednesday for a couple hours a day learning what it was like to be an IT Administrator. I helped Ryan with a lot of daily problems like backing up a Server, changing server tapes, repairing a CD drive and my personal favorite! Wiring a wireless router 15 feet off the ground, between a projector and a server.

I thank all the staff I was able to meet at Trinity Church, every one has shown me great kindness and respect I don’t get that often because of my age and considering I am a “Young punk trying to learn everything about computers”. I felt like I was appreciated with everything I did at the Church either a computer related problem or something different such as setting up some chairs for a meeting later on that night. The amount of things I learned at Trinity from both the computer category and the business category will help me improve my chances of getting a job in today’s job market.

The personal skills I learned at Trinity are invaluable to my career goal, the people I met where very great people to work with, and the memories of Trinity Church will stick with me until I forget them when I am older.

Thank you to all the staff at Trinity Church, you helped me grow up a little bit more every time I came in through those double set of doors.

Matt Myers
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Old 03-13-2010, 10:45 PM   #2
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What do I need to change in this letter?

It's a great letter and does not need to be grammatically perfect to get the message across, which you have done very well. I'm sure anyone who reads it will not only remember you but will appreciate your comments and the obvious sincerity behind them.
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Old 03-13-2010, 11:18 PM   #3
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What do I need to change in this letter?

If I was reading this I feel it would flow better if you started with paragraph 3 followed by paragraph 2 but delete the first two sentences followed by the first paragraph and the forth paragraph finishing with the thank you - hope this helps - having said all that - this letter reflects your personal feelings so sending it as is will be perfectly fine too - good luck with your career - best wishes
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