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Old 03-26-2010, 07:15 AM   #1
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Teens:what do you think about my story so far?

Shaundi sat in her room thinking of
something for her and her boyfriend ,Ash Tray, to do this weekend besides skateboarding. Ash Tray's really name as Ashton Huntley Young but was called Ash Tray because he was an excessive smoker. He was obsessed with skateboarding ever since he was six and got Shaundi into it on her tenth birthday. Shaundi never disliked skating just disliked Ash Tray's favorite skate park. She never went on a real first date with him. I guess thats what you get for dating your best friend. Their first date was at a skate park with him and his 4 close friends. Which Shaundi only call emo kid,skater boy,ollie, and wanna be.
Shaundi was the average nothing special girl. She had black hair and dark brown eyes. She wasn't really tall nor really short about 5'5mm She wasn't popular. She wasn't the type that stood out in crowd. The only time she stood out was when their was a camera in front of her. Other then that she was really shy.
Suddenly Shaundi thought of an idea. They should go to the movies. It was something that his skate competitions couldn't get In the way of. Shaundi got so excited that she begin to pick out her outfit. She grab her hot pink coogi shirt and black skinny jeans. She dug threw her shoe closet to find her black and hot pink chucks. She laid her clothes on her dresser. Then she got a call from Ash Tray.
"Hey you wanna come skating with me and my crew"
"Not really you wanna go to the movies tonight."
"Well I got a competition sunday but I guess I could make time for you"
"Kewl um just me and you k"
Okay you sure you don't wanna come skating"
"You know what I kinda wanna come"
"Okay I be by to pick you up soon oh and Erin and Brett are coming too."
"K see ya soon"
"Ash Tray out!"
Shaundi put her phone in her pocket and grabbed her black and white zoo yorks. She walked downstairs and made herself something to eat and sat down at the table alone. She was used being alone because her parent were work-a-holics and she was an only child. Shaundi heard Ash Tray pull up outside. She grabbed her hoodie and skateboard then ran outside and got in his car. It was a black ford mustang 05 with two blue strips. In the back were Ash Tray younger siblings Erin and Brett. Erin was a high class stuck up blonde that thought she knew everything. Brett was the guy that always stood in the back that hated to talk to strangers.
When they got to the park Shaundi and Ash Tray grabbed their skateboards as Erin and Brett met up with the crew.
"Um Shaundi"
What Tre"
"I was thinking that tonight we go see something scary"
"Kewl why not"
"Oh and ill pick you up around eleven tonight"
K come on let's skate."
They stayed at the park and stayed there until it close at 9pm. They dropped Erin and Brett off then went to Shaundi's house and amazingly her mom was home. They walked in and she was sitting on the couch and the first thing Ash Tray said was "hey mom" he had been doing that for the whole 3 years they have been together but it still makes her mad. They walked up to shaundi's room. They sat on the bed and watched tv until 10:40 then shaundi got ready to go to the movies.
When they got to the first thing they noticed that there were no good scary movies out. So they decide to just chill at the movies. They hang out in the game room for not even ten minutes before they ran into shaundi ex-boyfriend. Not only was he stronger then Ash Tray but he had he's goons to back him. Ash Tray wasn't looking for a fight but if it came down to it he had a knife in his pocket. He never left home with out his knife.
"Shaundi, why this loser over me"
"Kris, its been three years grow up and get over it"
"You're telling me to grow up your the one that needs to grow up"
"Leave her alone"
"Back off you little emo punk you wanna take this outside"
"Who do you think you are the black bruce lee?"
They walked outside behind the movies. Back there was kris's car.
Three words stopped shaundi's heart that day "get da choppers". That's the only thing she heard before kris throw her in the car and the rounds went off. shaundi will never forget the night the man she thought she loved was killed right in front of her very eyes and the murderer walked free.
5 Months Later
Shaundi was watching the news and found out Kris was shot in gang related violence. Shaundi decided since the murderer is dead and there's now way to bring Ash Tray back she's going to move on. Her sixteenth birthday was in three weeks so she decide to try to get a new boyfriend not to replace Ash Tray but to help her move on.
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Old 03-26-2010, 07:35 AM   #2
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Teens:what do you think about my story so far?

K I'm gonna be honest that was crap. What age are you? It's not interesting at all.
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Old 03-26-2010, 08:06 AM   #3
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Teens:what do you think about my story so far?

ok, i couldn't even finish half of it. it takes forever to get to the point and it doesn't seem to have one anyway. and the names are kinda silly. Ash Tray? emo kid?? thats just weird
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Old 03-26-2010, 08:49 AM   #4
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Teens:what do you think about my story so far?

I read half-way through your story I say its PROBABLY interesting because I didn't read all of it but, That is TOO LONG 2 READ!!!
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Old 03-26-2010, 09:04 AM   #5
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Teens:what do you think about my story so far?

Work on grammar. proofread it several times. I only read like a paragraph and most of the grammar was incorrect.
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Old 03-26-2010, 09:16 AM   #6
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Teens:what do you think about my story so far?

Sorry but i got to Ash Tray and started to laugh
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Old 03-26-2010, 10:06 AM   #7
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Teens:what do you think about my story so far?

Sorry but its too... *yawn*
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Old 03-26-2010, 10:12 AM   #8
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Teens:what do you think about my story so far?

too long to read
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Old 03-26-2010, 10:36 AM   #9
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Teens:what do you think about my story so far?

Add more to it
To make it a GOOD story.
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Old 03-26-2010, 10:44 AM   #10
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Teens:what do you think about my story so far?

i read it all.....and so far it is really good
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Old 03-26-2010, 11:22 AM   #11
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Teens:what do you think about my story so far?

I'm not going to be mean but I have to say that story reminded me so much of how I used to write in the past. And trust me in the past my writing wasn't so good.

The thing that helped me to improve was writing stories in different forms and reading books that not only inspired me but also helped me with my writing.

By the way don't let these people bring you down even the best authors were put down and still are. Like Stephenie Meyers some people put down her book and say crap about even though her book was made into a film.
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Old 03-26-2010, 12:10 PM   #12
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Teens:what do you think about my story so far?

That was incredibly stupid and boring.
There was way too many pointless details. I don't care that the car had two blue stripes..I really don't.
The plot was uninteresting and there really was no climax.
You need to make the murder scene more detailed. You need to make me feel like I'm there watching. You need to describe how Shaundi is feeling, what she sees, and what she is thinking.
Make that the middle. Get rid of most of the beginning. Make the ending describe what happened to Kris and Shaundi.
Maybe have police trying to track down Kris or something.
You need to make the reader want more!
And that wasn't it.
Work on grammar as well.
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Old 03-26-2010, 12:37 PM   #13
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Teens:what do you think about my story so far?

You could make a good story out of the idea if you could maybe write a bit better and correct the grammar
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Old 03-26-2010, 12:59 PM   #14
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Teens:what do you think about my story so far?

Well I have to say Dustin The Rebel....to put it nicely that story lacked in certain departments. Too much straight forwardness in your sentences such as--Erin was a high class stuck up blonde that thought she knew everything. Brett was the guy that always stood in the back that hated to talk to strangers.-- You probably could've of written it such as--With the turned up nose sat Erin in disgust next to Brett who was cowering in the edge of his seat--Not very good b/c i'm just skimming and it does seem very long with pointless details in it.
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