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Old 04-08-2010, 08:15 PM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 56
Is my story good so far?

I'm working on this story, here is the beginning of it. Please if you have anything like advice^^ to give please do.

Here it is-

I was stupid and forgot to at least put my hair up before getting on my motorcycle and driving at about ninety miles per hour. The wind is blowing my hair everywhere; luckily I was wearing shades or my hair would be blinding my eyes. It felt like there was street lights everywhere but really I was just going so fast down the streets and passing every damn car and the street lights were probably actually forty feet apart from one another.
A red car decided not to stop at a red light and drove right across from me. I almost hit it but I have sharp reflexes and I turned and skid almost falling off my motorcycle. I turned back noticing the car ran into a black mustang.
"that's why we have stop lights" I muttered to myself and went from twenty miles per hour back to ninety.

I arrived at the saint Peterson hotel just in time; finding a women in the lobby at gun point. As soon as I walked in the guy with the gun turned the gun on me. Of course I wasn't afraid of no ******** gun I just laughed at the dude.
"what's with the laugh?" he grinned "don't think I won't shoot a girl" he laughed
I shrugged " Well shooting a girl yeah you probably would" I looked him straight in the eye and and grinned "what about a vampire that could rip you to shreds?"
He looked at me like I was crazy. I'm guessing he hasn't heard or didn't believe in vampires. Not that I wouldn't blame him for not believing it is kinda unbelievable I guess.
" What you don't believe me" I laugh " well I guess I do have a big imagination" He blinked and I was in front of him before he could even open his eyelids. The man almost fell backwards. The women he had at gun point already left from behind him and was behind a couch that sat in the hotel lobby. "now do you believe me." I laughed even more " you must not watch the news" the next thing he knows I'm punching him as hard as I can in the jaw. He fell to the ground and held his hands on his left jaw and was agonizing in pain.
"ahhh!!" he yelled in pain. I bent down and smiled at him. I grabbed his bloody black shirt with my hands curled in fist and raised him to his feet;
"threatening me with a gun was a bad ******** mistake" blood from his mouth ran down his body. Tell the truth I didn't mean to hit him so hard. "now holding a women at gun point isn't very nice. Look she is scared to death." I look at her feeling bad. She has tears running down her face. " She probably has children and a husband. Your a sick b*****d!" I practically yelled it in his ear.
Police and the SWAT team started coming in. I let the man fall to the ground and walked up to the women.


auley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-2010, 08:31 PM   #2
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 30
Is my story good so far?

The plot seems really good, very interesting. Definitely something I would read. You play around with the verb tenses a lot, though. Like, "I was" and then, "the wind is". I couldn't tell whether it was supposed to be in present tense, or past tense. I like the descriptions, though!
xavier is offline   Reply With Quote

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