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Old 12-29-2003, 06:43 AM   #1
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Today's thread --> 12/29/03

Dealing with peace activists

With all of this talk about the war, many of us will encounter "Peace Activist" who will try to convince us that we must refrain from retaliating against ones who terrorized us all on September 11, 2001.

These activist may be alone or in a gathering....most of us don't know how to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette.

1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas. They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.

2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose.

3. When the person gets up off the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful.

4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them if they are really committed to a non-violent approach to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.

5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.

6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them much harder, square in the nose.

7. Repeat steps 2-6 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making.
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Old 12-29-2003, 06:44 AM   #2
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There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting victim or a group of terrorist attacking a nation of people. IT IS UNACCEPTABLE AND MUST BE DEALT WITH. Perhaps at high cost. We owe our military a huge debt for what they have done are about to do for us, and our children in the future. We must support them and our leaders at times like these. We have no choice. We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we will keep getting hit in the nose.
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Old 12-29-2003, 06:44 AM   #3
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Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King andQueen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth.
The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
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Old 12-29-2003, 06:47 AM   #4
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Old Chinese proverbs

"Virginity like bubble. . . One prick - all gone!"

"Man who run in front of car get tired"

"Man who run behind car get exhausted"

"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

"Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"

"Man with one chopstick go hungry."

"Man who scratches *** should not bite fingernails."

"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."

"Baseball is wrong. . . Man with four balls cannot walk!"

"Panties not best thing on earth. . . but next to it."

"War doesn't determine who's right . . . War determines who's left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."

"Man who fight with wife all day . . . get no piece at night!"

"It takes many nails to build crib . . . but one screw to fill it."

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement!"

"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."

"Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion."

"Crowded elevator smells different to midget."
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Old 12-29-2003, 06:48 AM   #5
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CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS - REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY JAN 15th . NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

(Note: this class meets at O'Malley's Brew Pub on 16th Street)

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday
7:00 PM.

Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at
7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost. Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing.

Class 12: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 13: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors
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Old 12-29-2003, 06:53 AM   #6
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An office manager was given the task of hiring an
individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes
he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to
call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would
determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference
room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know
of?"


Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man
replied, A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that
it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know
of."


"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now
you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see. A
blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."


"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an
eye...that's a very popular clichi for speed." He then
turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.


"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the
house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that
switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in
less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing
I can think of."


The interviewer was very impressed with the third
answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat
the speed of light" he said.


Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer
posed the same question.


The last man replied, "After hearing the three
previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is
DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the
interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the
other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom.
But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already S*&% my pants!"


HE GOT THE JOB
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Old 12-29-2003, 06:54 AM   #7
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Don't you just LOVE girls in thongs
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Old 12-29-2003, 06:56 AM   #8
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The Truth about Newspapers


1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country .... or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as theyare Democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
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Old 12-29-2003, 06:56 AM   #9
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The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute
that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he
would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the
bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed
the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would
put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and
took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the
bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."
He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag
rifle.
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against
a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went
to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a
shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to
get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your
hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced,
"Skunk, killed with an axe."
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Old 12-29-2003, 07:00 AM   #10
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This one pretty much speaks for itself
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Old 12-29-2003, 07:09 AM   #11
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The Strange Case of the Hanover High Shocker



In May of 2000, it was reported in the local paper that thirty-four students who had attended Hanover High School in Pennsylvania had had their pictures taken for the school yearbook giving an obscene gesture. The principal, John P. Cokefair, had sent a letter to the thirty-four students' parents explaining that because of the preponderance of this gesture in the photos, the offending photos would be re-taken, without the gesturing students, and these students would bear the cost of the re-shoot.
Additionally, the students were to recieve community service for a day, and seniors who did not show up would be denied their diplomas, while truant underclassmen would be given a three-day suspension.

An outsider who hears this story naturally asks the same question: How were thirty-four students able to give the finger and not get caught until it was necessary to replace the photos?

Therein lies the interesting fact of this event; the gesture in question was not the middle finger, but a gesture known in certain circles as "the shocker". Principal Cokefair explained in his letter that the reference was "so horrific" that some students could not even speak of it. His letter explained, "perhaps your child will elaborate when you have a talk about this matter."

In fact, the photos had been taken throughout the year, but were undetected as anything meaningful until some team photos were brought to the attention of the administration by a faculty member in the athletic department. Once the meaning was known, the yearbook had become a minefield of obscenity and deplorable references; the Principal had felt he must act.



It would be best at this juncture to assist the unknowing (feel no embarassment) as to the formation and reference of "the shocker". Let's start with your outstretched hand, palm up. Take your ring finger (next to the pinky) and touch it to your thumb. It is as if you're making an "OK" symbol with the wrong finger. Now, flatten your finger and thumb a bit, while your first, second and pinky fingers remain straight up. Rotate your hand a little, so your straightened fingers are pointing somewhat sideways.

Congratulations, you are now making "The Shocker".

It is a gesture meant to indicate a sexual act, wherein the first and second fingers enter a vagina, while the errant pinky plunges into the anus; hence the "shock". The gesture, the province of minds quite filthy in nature, has taken on other, more explicit names: "Two in the pink and one in the stink", "two in the coot and one in the boot", "going to town with one in the brown". Yes, quite rude, quite crude... but a minimal impact, considering its relative obscurity and difficult explanation. You can imagine Cokefair's eyes tearing up with anger as he flipped through the photographs; smiling faces, blushing with youth and vitality, innocently holding up a signal representing digital sodomy and sexual manipulation. The despair in the room, the struggle to decide what to do, must have been palpable.

For their own part, students claimed several defenses to the local press; that some didn't know what the meaning of the gesture was (quite likely), that it had been done in previous yearbooks with no punishment (and it had), and that the punishment was, after all, inherently cruel.

A parents' meeting was quickly announced by the school board for the following tuesday, allowing the parents to vent their anger or sound their agreement with the chosen punishment.



One hundred parents and students showed up. One hundred! The tone was obvious, the intent soon laid out: removal of the photos was not the answer. This tone found a voice in one Kate Klunk, the lone student representative on the school board. That night had been bittersweet for her; while this debate raged on, she had also been awarded a certificate for two years of service on the board. But she saw through the fog of anger and spoke. And her words held weight and meaning.

"The yearbook is designed as a documentary, memorial or historical book," she said. "No person or persons" should be permitted to remove photographs; it was tantamount, she said, to removing mentions of slavery from history books because "it makes America look bad."

Why not simply airbrush out the gestures themselves, a cost which the offenders could bear, and which could be done without sacrificing the many photographs that had been taken? Ms. Klunk concluded with her brilliant offered comprimise and gave back the floor.

Then rose Steve Sheppard. A parent and self-described "representative of the parent community", he proceeded to read Cokefair's letter to the attendees of the room, because not all had had the opportunity to read it. He dismissed the idea that the children were "innocent babes", but questioned why their silly joke must cause such revisionism in the yearbook. He refuted the idea of making the students drive back from Senior Week to do community service, questioning the safety of such a request. He pointed out that the plan as stated by the Cokefair letter was that not only would the students be not allowed in the re-taken photographs, but their names would cease to appear next to them, even under a "missing" header. In other words, as he put it, the school district would "destroy a piece of our history".



Sheppard's speech was interspersed with applause at several points, and upon conclusion he was given a standing ovation.

No doubt, Cokefair saw the writing on the wall as the applause faded.

By June, the board had spoken. The students were not to be given community service, and the photos would not be replaced (although in some cases new photographs had been taken in anticipation). Instead, Klunk's suggestion ruled the day: the students' obscene gestures would be airbrushed from the photos, artistic siphoning of the horrifying incident. The students would also recieve six hours of after-school detention.

What happened next is, like all back-room intrigue, up to interpretation. Fingers were pointed, accusations made, numerous angry calls and conferences between the administrators of the school. To the outside world, and even the parents, things seemed to die down.

Until July.

His authority questioned, his declarations anulled, and his good name now inextricably linked with this digital obscenity, John Cokefair did what any self-respecting man would do. He resigned.

In the heat of the Hanover summer, Cokefair submitted a letter to school district authorities and officials, citing the Shocker incident, and the ensuing fiasco, as reason enough to seek employment elsewhere. Cry not for him, for he found solace and waiting arms in his previous employer, the Williamsport High School, three restful hours away. His pay would be nearly the same, although he would be one of several co-principals, no longer the single lord and renovating spirit he had been at Hanover. No doubt, this was a tough sword to self-administer at age 50, a time when your days should be spent walking the hallways, assisting the problem students, disciplining the bad eggs, making the inspiring speeches at pep rallies.



And as for whether he was jumped or pushed, Cokefair claimed he had been given a gag order (an accusation which the school board denied) and refused to discuss details other than to intimate to the local paper about the event: "That probably was the most shining example of the lack of respect I was receiving....it was a crowning star and I sincerely hope that Dr. Bortner (the new superintendent Michele Bortner) is able to convince the board to respect their principals."

Even now, in this future age, when the events have settled into history and the decisions and battles are now trapped in the amber of lore, it is best to realize how even the littlest fights can erupt into life-changing battles, with collateral damage to careers and reputations, driving men and their families from a community, never to return.

Surely, that is the greatest "shocker" of all.
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