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Old 01-13-2004, 06:49 AM   #1
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Today's Thread --> 1/13/04

1. Only in America.......can a pizza get to your
house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there
handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.

7. Only in America......do we use
answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word
'politics' to describe the process so well:
'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and
'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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Old 01-13-2004, 06:49 AM   #2
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EVER WONDER:

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long! word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

! If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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Old 01-13-2004, 06:50 AM   #3
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marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake,"

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
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Old 01-13-2004, 07:24 AM   #4
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A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible
sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the
blonde driver for some I.D.
the blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police
officer tells her "Itís that thing with your picture on it." The
blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her
compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the
compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking into the compact the blonde cop rolls
her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver
and says,
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first
pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing !
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Old 01-13-2004, 07:41 AM   #5
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BAJAJAJAJA @ all of those
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