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Old 01-29-2004, 07:02 PM   #1
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Today's thread

Where's the rake??
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Old 01-29-2004, 07:04 PM   #2
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:rofl:
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Old 01-29-2004, 07:05 PM   #3
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Supposedly a true story, set in Britain...

This fellow was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. He said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He had a look, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.

He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to send out immediately. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again. "Hello. I just rang you a minute ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars out the front, an Armed Response unit, - the full works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policeman said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them? "He replied, "I thought you said there was no-one available?"
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Old 01-29-2004, 07:06 PM   #4
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A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses. "The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
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Old 01-29-2004, 07:06 PM   #5
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a cop pulls over a guy for crossing the center line several times. he says to the driver, "you're eyes are watery, have you been drinking liquor?". the driver says to the cop, "you're eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?".
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Old 01-29-2004, 07:07 PM   #6
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10. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

9. Ted Walsh -Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

8. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique,
except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

7. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

6. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

5. Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

4. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

3. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

2. Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian **** is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven **** on the field."

and the number one dumbass comment ever made by a commentator:

1. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?!"
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Old 01-29-2004, 11:03 PM   #7
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haha awesome
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