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Old 02-05-2004, 06:12 AM   #36
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Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named
FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:


"Recently I was honored to be selected as an
outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge
at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to
do it. Also the original person called in sick at
the last moment, and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway with it.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I
had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3
extra beers when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.


Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb.
***** is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear-waste I'm eating.


Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer
focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined
to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to
wipe my *** with a snow cone!


Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a freaking grenade in my mouth,
pull the freaking pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn
thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my
freaking mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ****
to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the freaking 4inch hole in my
stomach.


Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough
to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced
chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was
unable to report)
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Old 02-05-2004, 06:13 AM   #37
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A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, she went home, got down on her hands & knees - started blowing into her
tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The 1st blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into
the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said......
"HELLLLLLLOWWW ............you gotta roll up the windows."
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Old 02-05-2004, 08:02 AM   #38
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good lord, where do you get these

lol

good stuff
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Old 05-08-2005, 12:07 AM   #39
I liek gramer
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haha, I found this while looking for something else, but quite hilarious.
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Old 05-08-2005, 12:17 AM   #40
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I was gonna say, this must be an old post. Gravedigger!!!
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Old 05-08-2005, 12:21 AM   #41
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wow! what a ****ing post whore
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Old 05-08-2005, 06:20 AM   #42
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
^refer to "austin powers: goldmember"
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Old 05-08-2005, 06:35 AM   #43
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Ken was such a post whore
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Old 05-08-2005, 10:02 AM   #44
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NA¤VE
i never really understood the concept of paying so much for bottled water


"yeah i know i can get water free from any faucet, but i'd rather pay for it. just curious, you got any air back there i can buy?"
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Old 05-08-2005, 10:08 AM   #45
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thats some serious post-whorage

but... if a quiz is quizical, what is a test?
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Old 05-08-2005, 10:09 AM   #46
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thats some serious post-whorage

but... if a quiz is quizical, what is a test?

HAHAHAHAH TESTICAL!!!!!!
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Old 05-08-2005, 11:58 AM   #47
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Ba dunk PISHHHHHHHHH
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Old 05-08-2005, 06:32 PM   #48
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Haha, and Nick brings a thread back from the dead
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Old 05-08-2005, 11:10 PM   #49
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Yep, good old Ken. Who still comes around. But not much.
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Old 05-09-2005, 04:40 PM   #50
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chips
wow! what a ****ing post whore
your a noob

This was very typical posting from Ken :yup:

I miss these type of post from Ken sometimes :yup:
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Old 05-09-2005, 04:56 PM   #51
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So why do we drive on a parkway and park on a drive way. Also why do we call them apartments when they are so close together
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Old 05-10-2005, 10:43 AM   #52
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If you are in Canada, do you ask for canadian bacon or just bacon?
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Old 05-10-2005, 01:41 PM   #53
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wow lol
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Old 05-10-2005, 01:44 PM   #54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by V6STANG007
If you are in Canada, do you ask for canadian bacon or just bacon?
Actually...I believe just order ham...lol (was married to a canadian once)
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Old 05-10-2005, 03:54 PM   #55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by V6STANG007
If you are in Canada, do you ask for canadian bacon or just bacon?
Funny thing that actually happened to me I was like bacon and they were giving me what ham is so I asked for ham they gave me bacon.

Canadians

I still to this day cant believe they didnt know what CrackerJacks were when I went to a Blue Jays game in Toronto
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