Big Project Coming Up: Need to borrow some tools
Anyone have one of these tools I can borrow??
DRILL PRESS; a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room splattering it against that freshly painted car part
WIRE WHEEL; cleans paint and rust off of bolts and then throws them some place under the workbench at the speed of light, Also removes, finger prints, band-aids, and deposits small sharp wires in your shirt.
HAND DRILL; Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS; used to round bolt heads off. Also useful for giving your palm blood blisters.
HACKSAW: Part of a entire group of tools built on the chaos theory. It transforms human energy into a crooked,unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence its course the more dismal the cut becomes.
VISE GRIPS; used to round off bolts heads. Can be used to hold objects while welding, transferring the intense heat to your palm.
OXY/ACETYLENE TORCH; Used for cutting metal that is always 1/8" thicker then the tip you have. Very good tool for lighting everything in your shop on fire. Well known for the magic characteristics of the oxygen bottle always being empty no matter how much you re-fill it.
METRIC SOCKETS; used for beating onto the heads of the bolts you rounded off with the pliers and vise grips
FLOOR JACK: A 4 foot long metal pipe on wheels that is used for removing the skin from you shins. Also can be can be used for raising your car 1 inch lower then the height of the transmission your removing.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut fuel and vacuum line 1" shorter then needed. Used in conjunction with the tape measure to confirm that the line is 1" to short.
HAMMER; Originally used as a weapon of war, now known for the ability of its handle to stop the tool box drawer from opening. Also useful for making blood squirt form under you fingernail.
ENGINE HOIST; A basic lever on wheels known for its ability to travel in the direct opposite direction of where you are pushing it. Employs divining rod characteristics to find the edge of the floor where the stone driveway starts. Also A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.
QUARTZ LIGHT; Very useful tool for keeping you feet warm in the winter. Known for its ability to melt anything that comes in contact with it in less then a second, including your forehead. Will always shine the light into your eyes, but will keep the working area dark.
IMPACT WRENCH; Uses compressed air to twist off any bolt that you need to keep, and change the temperature of a junk nut from 68 degrees to 500 degrees in 1/2" distance of thread, burning your fingers as you attempt to throw it in the trash.
PRY BAR; Comes in many different shapes, sizes and lengths. Most are straight blade but occasionally they come in Phillips also.
OIL DRAIN PAN; A container used to collect oil drainings. No matter what size you buy it will always be 1" shorter then the distance between the drain plug and the oil filter.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
"When I know more, I'll be forthcoming. Or I won't be forthcoming, and I'll be honestly deceptive." - Les Miles