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Old 04-22-2004, 01:42 PM   #1
Ken
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Something to do when you are bored

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just
need to take it out on someone - don't take it out on someone you know, take
it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying,
"Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hannifin, could I please speak with
Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't
believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had
transposed the last two digits of her phone number.)

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an *******!" and I
hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word '*******' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '*******'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is
John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're
familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!"

So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a
parking spot. Some kid in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been
waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had
his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW *******,
too.

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the
black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an
*******!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ******** to call. But after several months of
calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea:

I called ******* #1. "Hello"

"You're an *******!" (but I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you? " he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"*******, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my
black BMW parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******."

Then I called ******* # 2:

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello *******," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ***," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West
34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St.

There, I saw two ******** beating the crap out of each other in front
of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.

Now, I feel better...
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Old 04-22-2004, 01:47 PM   #2
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LMAO that is awsome
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Old 04-22-2004, 02:00 PM   #3
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I read that awhile back, pretty funny, still to this day.
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Old 04-22-2004, 02:10 PM   #4
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A bus load of Senior citizens are traveling from Marquette, Mi. to
the Island Resort and Casino in Bark River, Mi. Halfway into the trip,
a little old lady walks up to the front of the bus and tells the driver they
have a pervert on the bus.

The driver tells her he will check it out at the casino. So she
goes back to her seat and sits down.

Five minutes later, a second little old lady walks to the front of
the bus and tells the driver they have a pervert on the bus. Being that
this is the second complaint in five minutes, he thinks he had better check it
out.

He pulls the bus to the side of the road and walks to the back of
the bus. There he finds a bald headed old man crawling around on his hands
and knees.

The driver asks, "What the hell are you doing down there?"

The bald headed old man looks up and says, "I lost my toupee and am
trying to find it. I thought I had it twice, but mine is parted on the
side .
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Old 04-22-2004, 02:15 PM   #5
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A French college student joins his American roommate for Spring break in Miami for a week of partying and beautiful women on the beach.

At the beach, the Frenchman notices that his American roommate is constantly surrounded by mobs of the most gorgeous women he has ever seen. Meanwhile, the Frenchman can’t even get a second look from any woman.

That night at dinner, the Frenchman said to his roommate “I don’t understand it, I come from France where we are known for our lovemaking, a marvelous accent, but still women they ignore me…what is your secret, hmmm?”

The American roommate counters…”alright, I’ll let you in on the secret, but it takes some work on your part…first, go get an instant tan and lose that white pasty skin tone, second get some hair gel and slick your hair back and throw on a pair of shades to be mysterious, and last but not least, get yourself a potato and stuff it into your speedo and strut up and down the beach like you’ve got something to show.

The next morning at the beach, the American roommate watched as his French protégé emerged strutting into the crowd of partying beachgoers. It appears that the Frenchman listened to the advice of his American roommate; however, now instead of women ignoring the Frenchman, they are laughing, pointing, and running away from him.

With the crowd’s reaction, the Frenchman approaches his roommate angrily and says…”what is this, I do all you say, I get instant tan, slick my hair, and wear the shades and strut like I’ve got something to show…what gives?”

To which his American roommate says…”I guess I should have been more specific about the placement of the potato in your speedo—it’s supposed to go in the front!”
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Old 04-22-2004, 02:32 PM   #6
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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall
so he called in a famous artist. Describing what he wanted,
the billionaire said, "As a history buff, I would like
you to paint your interpretation of the last thing that
went through General Custer's mind before he died in the
Indian attack at Little Big Horn. I am going out of town
on business for a week, and when I return, I'd like you
to have it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to
examine the new mural. To his surprise, what he found
was a painting of a cow with a halo, surrounded by
hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions
of making love.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?"
screamed the billionaire. "Why, that's exactly what you
asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked
for was your interpretation of the last thing that went
through Custer's mind."
"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it
'Holy Cow, Look at all those ****ing Indians' "
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Old 04-22-2004, 02:39 PM   #7
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One day God appears before a man and grants him a wish. Anything in the world he would like and it would be done. The man says to God, I really would like to go to Hawaii, but I hate boats and airplanes. So, he asked God to created a bridge to Hawaii from California. God responded, "Do you realize the weather extremes such a bridge would endure and how long that would be? A bridge of that size would require all of the worlds concrete and steel for a year to build. No, that is impossible. You must choose something else for your wish." The man reluctantly agreed and began to think of a new wish. Finally after a very long silence the man then asked God, "I have never understood what it is women want. I could never read their feelings or make any woman truly happy. Therefore, I would like to understand all that makes up a woman and how a woman thinks."



A long silence follwed the mans request.










Finally God spoke, "Do you want that bridge 2 or 4 lanes?"
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Old 04-22-2004, 03:29 PM   #8
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LMAO, Ken those are great!!! I really liked the one about the "********"
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Old 04-22-2004, 04:46 PM   #9
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Where do you come up with these things Ken? They're great, lol.
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Old 04-22-2004, 05:07 PM   #10
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god that ******* one was awesome...

ken, even though youre a lesbian jeep driver, i still love you lol
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