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Old 04-30-2004, 12:06 PM   #1
Ken
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You're too drunk when.......

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence???

9. Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT's a drinking problem!

10. You can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved when you were in the bar.

12. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

13. You fall off the floor...

14. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

15. "Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"

16. The glass keeps missing your mouth.

17. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

18. Vampires and mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

19. At AA meetings you begin with: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

20. Your idea of cutting back means less salt.

21. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

22. The whole bar says "HI!" when you come in.

23. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

24. "Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."

25. "I'm not drunk, you're just sober"

26. Roseanne looks good.

27. You don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

28. "That damned pink elephant followed me home again."

29. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

30. "I'm as jober as a sudge."

31. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

32. You've fallen and you can't get up.

33. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.

34. "Beertender! Get me another bar!"

35. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

36. Your name is Ted Kennedy.

37. Foster Brooks appears sober to you.
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Old 04-30-2004, 12:19 PM   #2
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1. Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.?????
A. A cherry float.





2. Q. What did the sign on the door of the
whorehouse say?
A. Beat IT - we're closed.


3. Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.


4. A. Incontinence Hotline...
Q. Can you hold, please?


5. Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


6. Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.


7. Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.


8. Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.


9. Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy
box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"


10. Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


11. Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the
outside?
A. K9P.


12. Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough


13. Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his
pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.


14. Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence


15. Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.


16. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out
of bed?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.


17. Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.


18. Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


19. Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


20. Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.


21. Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in
common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.


22. Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.


23. Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A. You fill it with gas.


24. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer.


25. Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
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Old 04-30-2004, 09:12 PM   #3
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Old 04-30-2004, 09:20 PM   #4
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Quote:
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
LMAO
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Old 04-30-2004, 09:29 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. Mike

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Mike

3. Job interfering with your drinking. Mike

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. One day... Mike

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. Not Mike

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Mike

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. Oh god... Mike

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence??? Mike

9. Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT's a drinking problem! Mike

10. You can focus better with one eye closed. Mike

11. The parking lot seems to have moved when you were in the bar. Mike

12. Every woman you see has an exact twin. Triplets - Mike

13. You fall off the floor... Mike

14. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Soon to be Mike

15. "Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!" Mike

16. The glass keeps missing your mouth. Mike

17. Bill Clinton starts to make sense. Not there yet Mike

18. Vampires and mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. Mike

19. At AA meetings you begin with: "Hi, my name is... uh..." If he went....

20. Your idea of cutting back means less salt. Mike

21. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. MIKE

22. The whole bar says "HI!" when you come in. <--- Mike

23. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. Or your roomate.... Mike

24. "Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol." Uh Mike

25. "I'm not drunk, you're just sober" Mike

26. Roseanne looks good. I dont know if he will ever be that drunk

27. You don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass. One day man one day...

28. "That damned pink elephant followed me home again." Mike

29. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store. Uh they deliver to Mike

30. "I'm as jober as a sudge." Mike

31. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki. Not yet

32. You've fallen and you can't get up. Mike

33. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle. haha Mike

34. "Beertender! Get me another bar!" Mike

35. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering. bahaha Mike

36. Your name is Ted Kennedy. Not unless you change your name while drunk one night

37. Foster Brooks appears sober to you. Mike
I see a pattern
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Old 04-30-2004, 09:33 PM   #6
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hahahahahahhahaha so funny
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Old 04-30-2004, 09:35 PM   #7
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Old 05-01-2004, 12:47 AM   #8
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Old 05-01-2004, 09:44 AM   #9
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Quote:
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
Quote:
13. You fall off the floor...
Quote:
16. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Quote:
21. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
that happens and i dont even drink!
Quote:
15. Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
You can sleep with a hard on...just just acts like a kick stand when you go to roll over
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Old 05-01-2004, 12:08 PM   #10
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someof those applied to me last night. i havne' tbeen that messed up insce problaly last year!!a
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