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Old 04-30-2004, 12:08 PM   #1
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The Miracle of Toilet Paper

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will
this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, may even
walk again.
Stupid, stupid man
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Old 04-30-2004, 12:15 PM   #2
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A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
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Old 04-30-2004, 12:16 PM   #3
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A guy broke down on an old country road one evening.
Had to walk miles from his truck, tired and hungry, and finally reached an old farmhouse which he hoped had a telephone he could use to call a buddy. As he approached the porch and knocked on the door, he saw
an old beagle nearby casually gnawing on a bone.
Soon a little old lady opened the door. He explained his dilemma and asked to borrow her phone. She kindly invited him in and he called a friend to come get him. An hour passed, still his friend had not
arrived, and he was getting hungrier. He couldn't bring himself to ask the poor lady for some food since he felt he was imposing on her somewhat already. There was a bowl of peanuts on the coffee
table that looked mighty good to him. Finally she asked if he was thirsty, "Oh yes, thanks- water, tea, anything cold." As she went into the kitchen, he grabbed some peanuts and thought how delicious
they were, and grabbed several more handfuls. Then she reappeared with the water and he felt embarrassed for getting caught gobbling them. "Oh, no," she said, "You go on right ahead and eat all a'
them you can, 'cause I ain't got no teef an' all I can do is suck the chocolate off of 'em."
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Old 04-30-2004, 12:20 PM   #4
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A man walks into a bar and immediately called out, "Who is the
owner of that Saint Bernard tied up outside?"

A man replied, "It's mine. Why do you ask?" The first man walked
up to him and said, "I'm sorry, but my dog just killed your dog."

The owner of the Saint Bernard was shocked, "Are you kidding
me? That dog is huge. He's bigger than my car."

The first guy explained, "Well, he choked on my Chihuahua."
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Old 04-30-2004, 12:21 PM   #5
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice
ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who
could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the
money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters,
longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky
voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said
OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the
man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell
into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and
asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you
a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"


The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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Old 04-30-2004, 12:24 PM   #6
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Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Letís make a hockey team, eh?

Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.

Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.

Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.

Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.

Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.

Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.

Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Jehovahís Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.

Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.

Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.
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Old 04-30-2004, 07:09 PM   #7
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Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull


^sounds familiar, doesn't it
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Old 05-01-2004, 12:48 AM   #8
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lol
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