NAME: John Kerry
RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including Washington, DC, worth multimillions.
EXPERIENCE: LAW ENFORCEMENT: I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and
defense bill in my career as a US Senator. I ordered Boston to remove a fire
hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of
MILITARY: I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the
military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I then
returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted
returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby
killers. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My
Vietnam Veterans Against the War- The New Soldier shows how I truly feel about
COLLEGE: I graduated from Yale University with a low C= average. Unlike my
counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to
Harvard nor graduate with an MBA.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE: I ran for US Congress and have been there ever since. I
have no real world experience except marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz
vicariously through my wife Teresa.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS: As a US Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting
record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently
failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting
our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I
am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal
piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise
taxes significantly if I am elected. My wealth so far exceeds that of my
counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make no or little
charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes
in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million.
I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the US in places like
Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor
in those countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out
of country. Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted
Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard, as it might
spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise by on our yachts.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES: None.
PERSONAL: I ride a Serotta Bike. My Gulfstream V Jet I call The Flying Squirrel.
I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche." I am
fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture. I own
several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though
I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the
energy problems. PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.