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Premium Member
1,350 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
One day Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell where the devil is waiting
for him.

"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you right
now. You definitely have to stay here though, so I'll
tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of
folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let
one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let you decide who leaves."

Clinton thought that sounded like the best deal he was
going to get and agreed, so the devil opened the first
room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of
water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed.
Over and over and over. This was his fate in hell.

"No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day

The next room the devil led him to was one that had
Newt Gingrich swinging a sledge hammer in a room full
of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time
after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all
day long," commented Bill.

So the devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw
Jesse Jackson, lying on the floor stark naked, with
his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinski,
doing what she does best.

Clinton stared in happy disbelief and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this one."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to

Premium Member
1,350 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
A father walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son.
The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the
wrong moment and the coin goes straight into the boy's mouth and lodges in
his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad
starts panicking, shouting for help.

At that moment a well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but
serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the
market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of
the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer,
neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up
her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.

Having reached the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent
piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy,
the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the
coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before; it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I'm a Divorce Attorney".
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