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Premium Member
1,350 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and
notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her.

He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the annual
Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He is CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to
him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!! "And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks.

"Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about

"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.

She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native Americans who own this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting....." the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.

"I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with
you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."

Premium Member
5,187 Posts
After a 11hr mission from the US to Iraq and back to the US a KC-10 tanker begins the process of air to air refueling the B-2 stealth bomber and the fighter escort that participated in the mission. The fighter pilots and bomber pilots have not left their seats in 11hrs and are hungry and tired. The boom operator is finishing up fueling the bombers and a conversation heats up on the radio between the boomer and a fighter pilot. here is how it goes

Boomer: Pull your crate up so I can fuel you.
Fighter :A crate humm!! this is a F-15 the baddest fighter in the world.
Boomer: Yeah OK what ever just pull up so I can fuel you!!!
Fighter: Whatever my ass!!! This aircraft is better than that hunk of metal you are in !!!
Boomer: Really how is that can you prove it !!!
Fighter: Sure as hell can!!! (note remember he is tired and hungry) and proceeds to do all sorts of acrobatics for the boomer to see!!
Fighter: See your aircraft could never do that could it !!!
Boomer: Wow that was great. Listen the rest of the crew wants to see you do that again but they are in the GALLEY EATING STEAK AND POTATO'S. WOULD YOU DO IT AGAIN WHEN THEY FINISH!!!!!
Fighter: dead silence

Premium Member
19,890 Posts
Haha, i just got around to reading all this. That's great

Premium Member
1,350 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Ok.. The first one..

The guy PRETENDED his name was Tonto Goldstein to get laid.

The second one..

The fighter pilot was in the seat for 11hrs.. Probably hungry, thirsty and sore. He probably had to take a piss and was out of piddle bags. He's bashing the tanker, and the tanker guy pretty much said, "yeah, you kick ass, now let me go relax in comfort while I dine on steak and get a french massage in my loser airplane while you are stuck in your uncomfortable hot-rod starving to death! :headbang: "


Premium Member
1,350 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take
the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to
the airport."

Premium Member
1,350 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

Premium Member
1,350 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"

Premium Member
1,350 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206".

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land." >

Premium Member
1,350 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little
Fokker in sight."

Premium Member
1,350 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
you lost the bloody war."

Premium Member
1,350 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get
it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally,
the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate

ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out
in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the
silence and keyed his microphone, asking: Wasn't I married to you once?"

Premium Member
1,350 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
As you are all aware, the airline industry has it's own unique set of terminology. The following are some of the most commonly used terms and their definitions.

PASSENGER -- A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually Found
in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple
and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures
collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is
usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species:
Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.

PRE-BOARD -- Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure

VOLUNTARY OVERSALE -- A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is
coming off the flight.

NO-RECORD -- Any passenger booked through a travel agency.

GROUP -- A large loud pack of passengers traveling together. The group
leader (who has the tickets) usually waits in the bar until the pre-board
time of five minutes before flight departure, or until there are no seats
left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited from
pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.

SIGN -- An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children.
Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the Airport
such as gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.

POSITION CLOSED -- This is a sign posted at various counter locations, Which
when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here!"

BAGGAGE CLAIM -- The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is
usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area."

CARRY ON BAG -- An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow Managed
to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what
the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items:
bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, tires, or wide screen projection

FLIGHT SCHEDULE -- An entertaining work of paperback fiction.

ON-TIME -- An obscure term, meaning unknown.

FOG -- A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an Airport
while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and
is used to delay flights.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL -- A game played by airline pilots and air traffic
controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played,
but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to
make connecting flights.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT -- A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the Herding
ability of an Australian sheepdog, the ESP abilities of Uri Geller, the
compassion of a psychoanalyst, and the tact of a diplomat. They have
mysterious abilities to control wind/ rain/ snow/ fog and all other weather

CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE -- They are capable of answering three
questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or
choking on their tongue. They also possess unique clairvoyant powers. In
later life they may be found in parks carrying on mysterious conversations
with themselves.

SUPERVISOR -- A position bestowed on those incapable of doing anything

Premium Member
19,890 Posts
Man, where do you get all these. Those are great
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