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44 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Is this part good? I'm 13 (turning 14) and I wrote this. Tell me what you think please. and this is not a chick-flick. haha... and sorry. Its long.

The light burned my eyes when I opened them. What time was it? I rolled over so I had a clear view of my alarm clock. It was seven-thirty A.M. I got out of bed and took a shower. After my shower, I got dressed in a black top with a white lace undershirt, and my skinny jeans.
I wobbled downstairs to make myself some breakfast. I grabbed a bowl and poured some cereal and milk in it.
After I was done I had nothing else to do.
“I’ll be around here then go to school.” I called out to anyone who heard. I grabbed my keys off of the kitchen table and walked outside into the rain.
“Dammit!” I whispered to myself.
Once I grabbed my jacket I continued to walk outside.
They keys slid into the ignition and my car roared to life. It was frigid out and my teeth where already chatting. My jacket’s too thin for this weather.
I drove into the parking lot and parked the car, slung my back pack on and walked to class.
“Mari!” A group of my friends yelled.
“Hi!” I smiled, even though they probably couldn’t see it through the tough rain.
“Mari! Don’t you ever put that book down?” Kevin asked.
“No,” I thought about it literally. “No, not really.”
“Oh… I read enough in Science class I don’t need to read another single word out of any book.” Kevin laughed.
“Now class, take a seat!” The teacher groaned.
I stumbled over to my chair and faced the teacher. Abby leaned across the desk and mumbled in my ear “We should get a few new outfits at the mall today.”
“Umm…” I don’t have anything else to do huh? Maybe I can make an excuse. I’m sick! No. Sprained toe on the way home…no. “Sure.” I sighed. I suck at lying anyways.
After school, I got home and I called Abby to see if she was still up to go with me to the mall with me a few blocks down. Please no.
“Hey, Abby”
“Yeah what’s up?”
“Are we still going to the mall?”
“Yeah. I’ll meet you in the movie theater. Okay?”
“Okay I’ll meet you.”
“See you there!” She squeeked.
“Sure… see you there.”
While I got ready, I thought if I should walk, drive, or ride my bike. Hmm…walking sounds better. As I stepped over the door matt to leave my house, my brother, Joshua, stopped me before I left; everyone just calls him Josh.
“Hey sis, where are you going?”
“Mall with Abby.”
“Oh… is Abby the one that kept talking about her hair and nails?”
“Yes, she is the really girly one.”
“Okay, do you want me to drive you to the mall… it’s a long walk…”
“What do you want out of it Josh?” I rolled my eyes. “I have a car.” I informed him on information he already knows.
“For you to tell the front office to switch my lunch period. I mean, you’re not in trouble right now so it might work!” His face lit up enthusiastically. “Come on sis, I have to eat lunch with a whole bunch of 10th and 11th graders when I‘m in 12th, also, my friends are in 12th grade! I think the school just wants to torture me.” His jaw set.
“Yeah… okay.” My dereliction to say, no way, is pathetic.
Josh was tall, brown hair, and blue eyes. He walked over to his car; he had a red Ford mustang GT. At school, he loved flaunting it and all the students longed to have it.
I started saving money for my car when I was fourteen years old, for two years I have been saving money and my parent’s money on top of that, they saved money for my car for five years, so I got a nicer car than Josh’s!
I bought myself a Corvette, used. However, my parents make me drive with Josh in his car to school.
He always envied me for my car.
I joined him and got in the passenger seat.
“But, under one condition…” I told him, I will not just let him go that easily.
“Stay with me and Abby.” I smirked and crossed my arms, I mean, it is only fair.
“Little sisters…uh!” He got frustrated and threw the keys in the ignition. We drove down the street and I mumbled,
“So are you?”
Josh stared at me and sighed.
“Yes…I’m happy you’re my little sis.” We stopped at a red light and he threw is hands up and ruffled my hair. I spent a while on it!
“So I can do that to you!” I laughed.
“Since I’m your little sister I can do whatever you do to me back… and more!” I grinned and messed up his hair. He laughed and looked up at the light, it was green and everyone started honking at us.
“Oh shut up!” I screamed.
“You shut up.” Josh said kidding around.
“Oh… I see how it is, use me to get you out of lunch, and then tell me to shut up?” I was being sarcastic.
“Here’s your stop.”
“No it isn’t, it’s our stop.” I got out of the car and ran over to his side.
“What are you doing?” Josh asked me while I opened his driver’s door.
“This.” I grabbed the sleeve of his shirt and pulled him out of the car. “You’re coming w

35 Posts
You write well, definitely.

The main thing you need to work on is which details to include and which ones just aren't interesting. Do we care that she rolled over to see the time? Is it significant to the story in any way? If all we need to know is that she woke up in the morning before school, just mention it in passing.

In fact, none of the before-school stuff seems important or particularly enjoyable to read. It would be fine as the background for some event in the story, but by itself, it's pointless.

Then you do the opposite when she gets to school - you don't say enough. She's walking towards people with her backpack, and suddenly you're mentioning a book? What book? Why do we care? When did she pick it up and why?

Why doesn't she want to go to the mall with Abby?

Why is she arguing with her brother?

Where's the story in all this?

But you're not inept. I'm not being nice - you really do have potential.
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