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Discussion Starter #1
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".



Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down..!"
 

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Discussion Starter #3
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.

She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey's kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!"
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.



One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.



Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.



The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.



Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.



The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.



The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.



Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.



The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
 

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Discussion Starter #5
A former police officer sent this. If you have a weak stomach,then don't scroll down and look at the picture ... it is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper. Taken shortly after he landed, it shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders.
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Discussion Starter #6
A beautiful, well endowed, young lady goes into her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. She spots a box full of frogs.

The sign reads "Sex Frogs...only $20 each ! Money back guarantee ! (comes with complete instructions)

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions carefully:

1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy
4. Crawl into the bed and place the frog on the bed beside you

Following the instructions exactly, she quickly gets into bed with the frog,
nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset. She rereads the
instructions and notices at that the bottom of the paper, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

She calls and is told by the salesman, I've had some complaints earlier
today. I'll be right over. Within 5 minutes, he is ringing her doorbell and
is welcomed in.

"SEE, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing
just sits there." she says.

He picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and says "listen to me
froggy, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time !!!!"
_________________
 

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Discussion Starter #7
A government study found that beer has female hormones. Testing large quantities of beer on men proved it. Under the influence of these hormones, men talk excessively, become overly emotional, have a serious problem thinking rationally and logically, and cant drive well.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
This biker dude dies and goes to heaven and meets with St. Peter....

St. Peter claims there are no good marks by his name in the good book, and
asks if the biker ever did anything honorable in his life....

The biker says that once he went to Sturgis to the bike rally and there was a
gang of bikers picking on the chick and they were going to have their way
with her, so I stepped in.

He said he picked the biggest biker with the most tattoos and kicked his bike
over, then thumped him in the head and ripped out his nose ring and threw it
to the ground and I told the dude, if they wanted to mess with that chick,
they had to deal with me first.

St. Peter was amazed and asked when this happen!?

About 2 minutes ago.........
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin,
Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, Michigan, North
Dakota, and South Dakota; those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the
state:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going
to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it.
Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi.. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
little trout you fish for.............bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to
your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you
paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed.. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So,
you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and
caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two ways--Interstates 29 & 35 go the other
two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks
the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like
an idiot....his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit.

:D
 

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Discussion Starter #11
lol.. Although it seems like it I had 1400+ moderator posts and only 200+ Regular person posts...


but my frequency is wayy up..

:-? :rolleyes: :headbang:

I can get away with goofing off now! :D
 

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Discussion Starter #13
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.

They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

The Moral:
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest Wells just by not stopping, never giving up. Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

O.K., that's enough of that B.S. ...

The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the $hit out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the $hit out of them too for helping.

The REAL Moral:
When you try to cover your a$$, it always comes back to get you.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......





BUMP...











BUMP...











BUMP... behind him



















Walking faster he looks back,

and makes out the image of an upright

coffin banging its way down the middle of the

street towards him









BUMP...











BUMP...











BUMP...











Terrified, the man begins to run towards

his home, the coffin bouncing

quickly behind him ...



faster...






faster...











BUMP...









BUMP....









BUMP.











He runs up to his door,

fumbles with his keys, opens the door,

rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. . .















However, the coffin crashes through his door,

with the lid of the coffin clapping ...











clappity-BUMP...





clappity-BUMP...







clappity-BUMP...







clappity-BUMP...











on the heels of the terrified man. . .








Rushing upstairs to the bathroom,

the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding; his head is reeling;

his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. . .










With a loud CRASH the coffin starts

breaking down the door.

Bumping and clapping towards him.









The man screams and reaches for

something heavy, anything ...

his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of

Robitussin.















Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as

hard as he can at the apparition.











the coffin stops.
 
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KEN = POST WHORE WITH BAD JOKES :D
 

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Ken said:
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.

They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
Poor donkey! I hope he kicked that ungrateful farmer in the nads for trying to bury him alive! :D
 

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Man, ur awesome. You make my day every day.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
A father is showing his son his business and encouraging the son to eventually take over the business. The son is unfamiliar with sales so the father says, "Let me show you how to sell. The next customer that comes in the door, watch me, listen and learn." So the door opens and in walks a gentleman. Father says, "How can I help you sir?"

Customer: "I need to get some grass seeds."

Father: "Ahh yes, we have some right here. Can I also interest you in a lawn mower?"

Customer has a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Why?"

Father: "Well, this grass seed is so good and grows so fast that you'll need to have a good lawn mower to keep it's growth under control".

Customer: "Wow, then I'll buy a lawn mower too!"

The son watching this is amazed at his father's sales ablilities. He congratulates his father. In walks another gentleman and the son immediately says to his father, "My turn Dad."

Son: "Hello sir, what can I get for you today?"

Gentleman: "I need to get a box of Tampons for my girlfriend".

Son: "Oh we have those right over here. Can I interest you in a lawn mower?"

Gentleman: "A lawn mower? Why the hell would I need a lawn mower?"

Son: "Well you ain't gonna be doing much with her this weekend so you might as well cut the freakin' lawn!"
 
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